I write and rewrite and delete and write again, finally convincing myself that it's worth it, even if my familh and friends see, even if whatever other excuse, and I spend and hour and it tells me "session expired" what the heck does that mean?!?! I'm still signed in! I'm sick of this!
I'm depressed as it is, and supposed to be somewhere and I haven't even left the house yet because I"m depressed and not willing to bring myself to leave the house and I"m going to get into big trouble for it and I just dont' care, and finally I come to do something about it and at least tell my story ont his webiste and it deletes it forever. Btw I'm using an iphone, that's all I have , and that' sthe whole problem.....my apartment is a mess (I live alone) and I don't have the strength to do antyhing.....nothing works!
I try getting anotoher phone, it's locked to the previous owner. I CHANGE CARRIERS so that I can use another phone I find in my house, and I don't have a friggin charger for it. I try to get a filter, non exists for my situation....NOTHING WORKS!!!!!!!!!!
And now I"m angry, I barely even davened this morning (first time this happened in years(....I hate life, I want to go back a fe months and just start over...I hate this....

(and now I'm crying and helpeless and don't know what to do...all I want is a friend or a rabbi or ANYONE who i can just pour my heart to.....

First of all Optimistic, since I haven't seen you here before, Welcome.

Second, I have also had long posts vanish before my eyes and I relate to the frustration. One time I had written the perfect post, one that would have cured me and everyone who read it . I'm sure I felt Eretz Yisroel shaking 400 parsa by 400 parsa . Then the post vanished into the air! So frustrating. I tried re-writing it but I just couldn't recapture the magic. I'm sure it was the soton wanting to prevent such revelations from being brought down to this world

Now I sometimes write on Word and copy and paste afterwards to avoid that. (Amazingly enough I'm still not cured. If only I had written that other post in Word...)

Thirdly, if you're in the UK, private message and I'll give you my number.

9494 wrote:


Erm... I hope this is not from personal experience . I think someone like that should definitely hand themselves into the authorities, but I assume that's not a problem anyone here is actually facing...

Right, I'm yankin ya my friend.

Our friend Optimistic's problem is a bit different though. What I'm suggesting is that he call someone IRL. There are many advantages to this:

1) Opening up in real life is a better quality of opening up
2) You say more of what's really inside
2b) There are subtleties and nuances in speech that don't get through in writing
3) You get instant feedback
4) You make a connection with someone
5) You share experience strength and hope
6) Talking is more 'real' than writing, just like watching was more 'real' than reading (at least for me)
7) Phone's don't break as easily
8.) It's a more flexible method of communication
9) Greater anonymity as you're only talking to one person who's in the same boat
10) A lot more, but that's enough for now

Ok I'm back to myself (mostly) and calmed down... Thanks a lot guys, 9494 I took your advice and had a coffee. Sitting down and taking it easy helped me move forward, and thanks for the conversation Dr Watson, it helped pull me back into reality. BE"H next time I post will be more optimistic!

Gevaldig! You make all of us (even the silent ones who read without commenting) feel so much better.

Hatzlacha

MT

Welcome
Glad to hear things have calmed down a bit.
This website has what to be desired.
If only it can keep up with all the advances that we in the porn industry adapt to.

Meanwhile, it's what we got and the fellows are great at least.

Besides the one friend in Romania I had from the other sites, you won't find a better group of fellows than those who hang out care. They are true brothers...caring, analytical (to death), advise givers, friendly, critical, supportive.

Stick around.

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME!!!!!!!

I like your name: optimistic!! It has a great ring to it .

Here's To always being optimistic, Optimistic!

WELCOME! We look forward to hearing more from you. You are in the right place. Keep posting.

Love your name, optimistic. And love the name if the thread.
I hate it for other reasons

Love your name, optimistic. And love the name if the thread.
I hate it for other reasons
I think my problem reminds me of the WW1 comic strip, where one Tommy says to another in a Trench, I shouldn't really be here, why asks Tommy number 2, replies Tommy one, I don't write poetry!
I feel all the posts are so beautifully written and really express where you are feeling emotionally. I don't feel able to do that as much. This is also holding me back from connecting personally with anyone, add to that, the fear of being found out in public.
Just to say where I'm holding, I had some real stress earlier this evening and yes I turned to watching some trailers, and slipped some, but stopped any further. I don't want to start my count.
Well that's my rant.

israel,
just type from your heart. whatever comes out will be fine. the immportant thing is to share what you are feeling not making it seem nice.
that is one of the lessons of gye. things are in real life are not as nice as porn makes it seem
also your posts don't have be nice. they have to be real

israel613120 wrote:


Well I recently got to the point where it doesn't even bother me so significantly any more. I've learned to accept the situation as something that is part of my past, and something which I'm willing to conquer and move on with, and not let it bother me any more. That's real recover. I just had a long period of time where I just...forgot about it almost. I went on with life. I forced myself to be happy, kept learning Torah, doing mitzvos, and being aware of my weakness at the back of my head, just in case. And recently I fell again (I'm going to post about it soon--notice how NOT beautiful and artistic it will be ), and I plan on moving forward again and not thinking too much about it, that way I can REALLY do teshuva WHEN the time comes, without being depressed about it and serving Hashem properly.

Just remember, Hashem gave each and every one of us challenges--on this forum we share one challenge, so that we can purify it and make it easier for future generations to deal with. You're a human being. You have desires. It's fine. We just have to keep working hard and getting advice and so forth on how to do it so that eventually we can win.

Optimistic wrote:


sorry to interrupt but it seems like putting it in the back of your head didn't help at the end. why do you think moving forward and not thinking about it will help next time around?
The trick is not to save yourself from falling when you are not falling. The trick is to prevent the falls when they come up during that every so often that they do.

I think it is time to move to Plan B.
With optimistic love,
Unanumun

Hmm. I see your point. I think the "not thinking about it too much" is for the sake of coping with the problem. So far with this plan I have been able to keep happy and living normally despite a fall. When I mentioned "Keeping at the back of my head" I mean for the sake of realizing I have a weakness and not falling into it quite so suddenly. I guess I just kept it too far back...Perhaps then I must take upon myself something to remind myself of the struggle that might pop up at any time. Can you suggest anything?

How about writing about it once every few days, to remind myself...Perhaps posting on the forums at least once a week?