My wife caught me acting out on the computer. Now she's depressed and angry. I'm thinking of offering to put WebChaver on my devices and send her reports, but right now I don't think she's in the mood to discuss such things.


Ugh.

Welcome to the only place in the frum world where you can discuss these issues! We have all had the "deer in the headlight" moment that you described so now the issue becomes where you do go from here. I think that a merely technological response that you posted is a good start, but you have to have a chevra, a good therapist, and gradually demonstrate to your wife that you are not going behind her back.

Right now, it seems the shock of what you were doing simly shattered your wife's illusions of what she saw in you as a husband.

imho....don't pressure her into anything

you do yours

put web chaver on and have someone else monitor
do for yourself

b'hatzlachah

Shivisi responds:
I don't get it??? Your wife is angrier and more not trusting about you "acting out" (masturbating), more than she is about you being addicted to porn???

Keep you spirits up. You have to understand your wife - she feels betrayed. I think that she is worried about pornography per se, even if she does not admit it.

I agree with Cordnoy - just do your bit ( Web Chaver, forum, meetings). Why not involve your wife with the steps that you are trying to take? Have you told her about the Forum? Have you asked her how she thinks that you can get better?

She also needs to understand that this is a disease, and is not as act of betrayal. This must a subtle message, not an explicit one (otherwise it appears that you do not value her feelings), but if she sees that you are taking steps, then she will begin to see this.

Thinking og you!

Keep you spirits up. You have to understand your wife - she feels betrayed. I think that she is worried about pornography per se, even if she does not admit it.

I agree with Cordnoy - just do your bit ( Web Chaver, forum, meetings). Why not involve your wife with the steps that you are trying to take? Have you told her about the Forum? Have you asked her how she thinks that you can get better?

She also needs to understand that this is a disease, and is not as act of betrayal. This must a subtle message, not an explicit one (otherwise it appears that you do not value her feelings), but if she sees that you are taking steps, then she will begin to see this.

Thinking of you!

Shivisi, when my wife caught me "acting out" a couple of years ago, it was not masturbating she discovered but something else that I was doing. It was that other thing that bothered her more than the porn, though sometimes she seems like she's okay with porn and sometimes not. The real issue, of course, is my relationship with porn, which I'm having a very hard time giving up.

In the meantime, I'm having incredibly intrusive thoughts and fantasies, and I don't know how to turn them off.

You haven't been totally clear about what your wife is upset about. What has she said? Is she afraid that you are meeting people or doing something worse than porn. If she is truly not upset about the porn, why do you have to hide it?

There is a lot missing from this story. Please fill in more details.

She is probably very upset about the hiding and lying. This often bothers wives even more than the porn. They now have a husband who is keeping secrets from them who they cannot trust. Maybe that is what she/you meant???

It is hard to regain trust. It will take time.

I've been there, buddy, hang in there.

It's also complicated because when I suggest I may need help with my sex addiction, she asks, well, if it's just porn, what's the problem. Everyone does it.

Oslost wrote:


HUH?????????

complicated indeed!!!

can you explain what she means by that or based on what is she saying that?

I guess maybe she's in denial about porn. She thinks, or says she thinks, that using it is normal, not that she does or anything. I guess it's just her impression from the culture at large.

normal or not be that as it may, an addiction to it is a problem and has to be dealt with and that is what you are seeking help for, maybe (for sure) there are many others out there who have been exposed to it but it does not affect them and their lives the same way as it affects us and that is why we have to do whatever it takes to work on this issue

I was going to reply yesterday, but I had to go. It seems you changed your post since then.

Have you discussed the whole issue with your wife? You seem unsure what she thinks. She must not like the porn (regardless of what she says) or you wouldn't be hiding it, and she wouldn't get depressed and not talk to you for days. Do you have a good Rav or therapist that you can BOTH talk to?

It sounds like you have issues to work out, and a third party may be a big help, especially since she doesn't trust you much right now. One way or another you and your wife need to talk it out (and I don't mean that you have to tell here everything). You need a plan and you need to rebuild her trust (over time).

Keep us posted.

I agree with others here that you have to be 100% honest with yourself and tell us the full degree of your addiction-masturbation, porn, etc. Many others have done so in very honest fashion. Untill you do so, you haven't really begun to face the issue.

Oslost - 1) Can I humbly suggest that you focus not on getting your wife back but on getting better. Whether she thinks Porn is a problem or not is not the issue. If you want to take steps you can. And if she wants is willing to help because its something you want to do even better.

2) May have suggested how to handle with your wife and therapy, I'll say that is a second avenue you can take at the same time....