unanumun wrote:


And I thought all along that it was Uno-man

As in, "YOU'RE NUMBER ONE"

This morning I accidentally listened to a shiur (I came across a speaker I know from long ago and was curious to see him speak - ended up watching the whole video). It was very inspiring and exactly what I needed to hear.
He spoke about challenges and listening to what Hashem is telling us even in tough times. (As an example, he pointed out that Yosef, after being sold must have felt in a low place. Then perhaps he got chizzuk from the fact that the Yishmaelim were carrying perfumes and spice instead of the usual smelly stuff. - אדער יה אדאר ניין but the lesson is a valuable one)
He brought out a great point through a great story how sometimes it looks like Hashem is trying to make us fail but in reality it is not the passing or failing that He wants from us, it is the staying in control while we seem to be failing, that he wants from us. If we stay in control then we are passing the real test even though we fail what we THINK is the test.
WOW. I wish I can go back to weeks and start again.
I have been waiting for things to settle down in certain areas so that I can get away to myself and refocus. The fact that the issues are just shlepping out has driven me crazy. But now I see that Hashem didn't want me to get away to refocus. He wanted me to davka be in this situation and refocus through the ordeal. This perhaps has been by nisoyon.
Also it could be that everything was supposed to get upside down just so I can reach the point of bechira that I have had the last week or so. Watch or don't watch, Act out or don't act out. Baruch Hashem with His help and all of yours, I pulled through. Had my life not fallen apart, I would not have been in a situation where I had a real nisayon of acting out and wathcing porn.
So now the point is to move forward and try to connect with Hashem

Another realization I came to was that the whole concept of trying to escape is really running away from Ratzon Hashem. Hashem expects things from me, He wants me to be dealing with all the things that I have to deal with. It is okay to take a step back and relax and catch my breath and regroup, but it is not okay to try to escape from it. So if I don't need an escape, I don't need to find a way to replace the escape that I had by watching porn.
Halevay I can internalize these lessons and live by them. But as they say, knowing is half the battle.

What an inspiring message! I sometimes find it hard to be able to focus on the effort that Hashem wants to see, and not on the results which we've been conditioned to only look towards. I felt sad last night because i had a fall, and i thought beforehand that i was getting better, but then why did i fall? Now i seee that it's not about always being able to win. There will be wins, and some losses. The key is to always remain focused on the goal.

The "first try" might be officially over.

Borderline call between slip and fall last night.
I will wait a few days to decide or otherwise there will be nothing holding me back from going back for a real fall.
After I put myself back on track (or should it be truck ), I will ask the oilam for a psak and move forward.

Either way, move forward!

unanumun

That's happened to me as well.

My tactic in such a situation is to ignore the count for a few days, focus on one day, one day, one day, and then go back and decide whether reset the count or not. This way, I already have a few days in my pocket holding me back by that time.
Whatever works...

Oowny and Biggie,

I guess great minds think alike.

unanumun wrote:


the first try is never over you know that.

there might be many first tries but their all the first.

anyway if your nameless the count really shouldn't matter.

KOMT!!!! go una go!!! you can do it !!!

and in your words חזק חזק ונתחזק!!!!

I still haven't gotten back to the slip/fall shayla (I am leaning though to make it a fall) but either way whatever it was, I am feeling happy about it. For several reasons.
I wrote somewhere recently that we have to try to grow so that future lows are higher than previous highs. I don't know if it is mamesh there, but definitely this fall is far away from where I was when I used to fall. No acting out, and I don't even think I was aroused.
Also, I think it ended a long period of a few weeks of slipping. I managed to put myself back together. I made it to shul the next morning ( which I have been very bad with lately) and learnt yesterday and today. Haven't gone to learn two days straight in a couple of months.
So I guess basically that in a sense I bottomed out when I was relatively on top.
So I am feeling very good now.

Post number three hundred.
Wow. one post at a time adds up.
I am honored to have been able to contribute to the forums for the last half a year.
I have developed such special relationships with the oilam here. Numbers (Not 300 and not 90 and not 156) can't describe accurately the influence this site has had on my life. I am a different person than I was when I started. Thanks to the oilam, and especially the guard who has allowed us to use this wonderful platform to put our lives back together.

unanumun wrote:


gevaldig that just answered my question.

but next time you can call after you finish learning.

anyway i went to sleep early.

KOMT!!!!!!

the three second rule and no second look rule is starting to sink in.
I have found that it is very freeing.
it makes me feel that so what if i saw a woman? i don't have to freak out. just don't look a second time and don't keep staring. then i am fine.
a really great klal to go by.

Unanumun beware there's a new guy named NewMan are you going to be called Unanewman.

actually, he's titanium or mitanium or somethin' like that.