Hi, I've been a member of GYE for a number of years, get the chizuk emails every day, have even posted, but never formally introduced myself. Through the site, I have done a couple of 90 day runs over the past few years. Currently I have finished a 90 day run a number of months ago, and then stopped counting. I'm taking it day by day, trying to make the days count instead of counting the days.
I'm posting now because I'm lonely and empty and sad and feeling like I need my "drug," but would obviously rather not be nichshal. You see, I'm what you may call an "older single" (although not that old), been dating for years, tons of girls. Last week a close relative of mine got married out in the midwest. I was there. He's a bunch of years younger than me. Fourth girl he went out with. Boom. Married. I have younger siblings who are married. And I'm sitting here. Desperate to get married. Not that I have any questions with regard to hashgacha or any taanos on HKB"H or anyone else, C"V. Just taking the situation hard. And I don't deal well with emotions (because my parents don't so I never learned how to- this is s/t I'm dealing with in therapy, and of course has been a major reason for my addiction to lust). So right now I feel like I need to fill that hole in myself, to bury those unpleasant emotions because I don't know how to deal with them. It's 4 in the morning, I've kept myself up avoiding things I need to do because of this emotional rut I'm in. I don't know what to do with myself. I know what my body is telling me to do with myself, but I decided to post here instead of letting myeslf slip into a porn binge. Which would be a shame because I'm like 5 months clean now. Even though it's not about the days, it's just about today. I feel like I'm tortured, living through hell. The only thing that will make me "feel better" (and by that I mean avoid dealing with my feelings) is porn and acting out. But given the context of my clean streak, doing that would likely destroy me and send me into a tailspin of binging. I'm not looking for any easy answers here, I'm just venting, getting some stuff off my chest. I know that a big part of the reason I crave lust is because I'm lonely- I don't think that getting married is the magic bullet for my addiction, but it would certainly help a helluva lot. I think that having the ability to connect with someone else physically AND emotionally would help me get what I need so I don't feel like I need the internet. That part of my life pretty much sucks right now. I spend hours online on dating websites, facebook, looking for girls to date. Just trying to find my beshert. Just wanna be done with dating. The emotional turmoil. (Not that I think marriage is all sunshine and roses. Just a different type of turmoil, a less lonely one.)
That's my story.

Oy I feel for you. I was also in shidduchim a lot longer than my friends. It's not easy to go to friends' chasunas when you're older than them.

I used to speak about it with my mashgiach a lot, which helped. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

Welcome!!!!

avodas.hakodesh
You have come to the right place, my friend!!! The guys here are excellent. I have made plenty of friends and i have become very close to them. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you as well.

So welcome and keep up the incredible work!

Hi AH,

I'm glad you are going for therapy. It sounds like you understand your problem pretty well. What does your therapist say? Lonliness is tough, but you can be lonely after marriage as well (sorry for the bad news). Also, the physical closeness to ones wife can cause one to crave more. It becomes difficult to "love" rather than "lust".

Many have found that their addiction became worse after marriage.

I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm just telling it how I see it.

I've got some good links in my signature. One is for Dr Sorotzkin's website. He has stuff on acting out, perfectionism, and why some people have a hard time getting married. Check it out, it may speak to you.

I'm glad you started posting. Don't be a stranger.

Gibbor shut up.

And hi Avodas. Nice to meet you.

TehillimZugger wrote:


Are you OK?

Sorry Gibbor, Here's what I meant.

"Today, [my wife] and I try to communicate what we feel rather than what we think. We used to argue about our differing ideas, but we can't argue about our feelings. I can tell her she ought not think a certain way, but I certainly can't take away her right to feel however she does feel."
-The Big Book p. 419

TZ...........don't tell me that you're pregnant again!?!

Pidaini wrote:


If it happened once it can happen again.

AH thanks for that wonderful and honest post. I feel for your pain and frustration and I can appreciate how sweet and fulfilling it would have felt (at least momentarily) to just throw the towel in. But you didn't (hopefully) and continuing to stay strong is sweet and so much realer.

I don't have any brilliant advice of how to find your bashert although I will bl"n try to daven for you, and your mesiras nefesh in turning to GYE rather than to lust when you were down in the dumps should open up a special path for you in shomayim. Until then don't just hang in there, live every day to the fullest. It will make you better prepared for the marriage that Iy"h will come soon, and you and your bashert will benefit from it in the long run.

Much hatzlacha

Pidaini wrote:


Leitzonus achas doche meah tochachos.

ain bedor hazeh me sheyodeya lekabel tochacha