Someone asked me to explain my situation in this problem. I wrote the following and thought I could share it here. I would love to hear from anyone that has struggled with the same thing as me: guardyoureyes3@gmail.com.

I am a married man with married children and a ba'al teshuva of about 30 years. I can't say we have a particular derech as my wife and I identify with much of yeshivish yiddishkeit and aspects of centrist orthodoxy.....not that this is very relevant to my problem!!

About 10 years ago, I literally stumbled across chatrooms, in part by accident and in part out of curiosity. I've been in and out of them ever since. I have tried to stop on many occasions and at times even stayed away for months. But somehow, in a moment of weakness, I would always go back. I felt alone and embarrassed in this problem and had a lot of agmas nefesh that my willpower and my emunah just weren't enough........

Over the years I would have spent thousands of hours in those places, so much so that I stopped feeling anything in the real world. It was like I was medicated or on some kind of anesthetic. I own a business which today is struggling for its survival. I feel that this struggle is because I spent so much time in these chatrooms instead of focusing on the business. If I lose my business, I potentially lose everything I own.

When I think about it, for me it's the stira between how I acted and what I truly believed that caused me the most heartache.

For a while, I started seeing this problem in the framework of an addiction. This was very difficult for me as apart from sometimes controlling my food intake, I am a very self disciplined person with no other yetzer hora for any other things of potential addiction. I am not sure that I hit complete rock bottom, but once I understood and came to accept that I was powerless, I was able to confront and deal with this issue.

I found the GYE site and while I wish that no person, and especially no yid would be afflicted with this problem, I found great comfort in finally not feeling alone. I have been listening to the evening phone conferences and have made contact by phone with a few people. I think this has been my starting point - recognising my powerlessness and not feeling alone. I have not acted out for over a week and somehow I feel that HaShem is really with me this time. I feel differently than in any other time I have stopped.

I intend to keep tuning in to the phone conferences and start the next cycle of Big Book study which begins after Purim. I want nothing more in life but to live my values. Being a G-d centred Jew is top on the list of my values and I believe that He has given me an enormous challenge of which I am capable of overcoming.

.........so that's my situation and this is where I am at!!


All the best.

Moshe
Australia
[/i]

Well first good for u for having the courage to come on and post that's awesome, second u came to the right place brother have u tried the handbook its really great... Hatzlach!

Welcome to GYE Moshe Avenue (are you cousins with 613 Torah ave?)!!!!!!!

It's really great that you are reaching out, I find that to be the greatest help that I have!!

Yes, there are many others in situations very similar to yours, especially in the sense that every where else I seem to have quite a good grip on myself, but here......it's quite another story.

Hours...hours....hours...many of mine were spent online. If it wasn't porn, it was online games, just wasting time, escaping into cyberspace, yes, there are others out there that struggle just as you!!

Regarding hitting rock bottom, one of the amazing ideas of GYE is "hitting rock bottom while still on top". From experience I can tell you that nobody would call my story "hitting rock bottom". Nobody caught me, I wasn't wasting money, nothing serious really happened....but I had had enough, I wanted out, and I wanted it desperately. For me hitting rock bottom means the feeling of "the only way from now, is up" and that's how I felt. If that's how you feel, use it wisely. Take the opportunity to get contacts, filters, program, and anything else you can grab onto, the feeling may dissipate soon.

As they say about the 12 step program "It works if you work it...and you're worth it!!!"

KUTGW brother!!!! KOMT!!!!

hi moshe!

as many have said on the site in the past yes opening up is the biggest help and so is the feeling that your powerless so you have these great tools in your pocket make the best of them and i'm sure you can reach what your acheiving to reach.

hope to keep on hearing from you!

kol tuv!KUTGW!

Welcome...openin' up is a great tool....stick around and take it all in....there's a lot of great guys with great ideas here.

b'hatzlachah

welcome! its great to have you!

I found this very useful for my self. Skeps tips: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/219536-Welcome-New-Members!#219543

WELCOME!!!

Welcome to GYE!

Just want to let you know that I can relate really well to much of what you wrote.

Looking forward to getting to know you better!

why was i the only one to get a thank you so far
when i didnt even say anything
maybe it was devorim hayotzim min halev (everyone else was also but maybe hamosif goreya?)
or the capital letters?

I posted here on march 3rd and thought I'd post an update on my progress. B'H, all is going well. I have connected with a few guys over the phone and email which has given me great chizuk and certainly taken away the feeling of being alone.

I believe that GYE doesn't use or study the SA White Book for various reasons, but I'd like to quote something briefly from there which helped me get this thing in perspective:

It begins with an overpowering desire for a high, relief, pleasure, or escape.
It provides satisfaction.
It is sought repeatedly and compulsively.
It then takes on a life of its own.
It becomes excessive.
Satisfaction diminishes.
Distress is produced.
Emotional control decreases.
Ability to relate deteriorates.
Ability for daily living is disrupted.
Denial becomes necessary.
It takes priority over everything else.
It becomes the main coping mechanism.
The coping mechanism stops working.
The party is over.


This was exactly the cycle for me. 22 days clean/sober/straight (still coming to terms with how I understand the terminology).

I am starting to feel my relationship with my wife enter a new and exciting phase where I feel present in our marriage all the time.

I would like to know how do you exactly 'work the steps'? I want to go through the 12 Steps, but everyone says you have to 'work' the steps. I'd really like to know what others did l'mayse to work the steps.

Best regard

Moshe

Moshe Avenue wrote:


Hi Moshe. Welcome.

To answer your question I can only quote from 'A Gentle Path Through The 12 Steps'


The program, however, is not abstract, but very concrete. You work your program whenever you:
-Make a call for support
-Do a daily meditation of the program
-Admit your powerlessness
-Be honest about your mistakes and shortcomings
-Have a spiritual awareness
-Support another program person
-Work actively on a Step
-Work for balance in your life
-Focus on today
-Take responsibility for your choices, feelings, and actions
-Do something to mend harm you caused
-Attend a meeting
-Give a meeting
-Maintain a defined sobriety


Hope that helps.

Hatzlaocho!