Well, this is a tough one. 42 yrs old. Birthday. Depressed. A beautiful family, great wife job, etc. best life any guy could dream of from the "outside"

But on the inside just pain and turmoil. The medication of p and m and sometimes worse from 13 to 31. A failed marriage (Bh), become frum, marriage no 2. Fell into p and m trap after yeshiva. Caught by wife 8 yrs ago. Worked hard for 8 yrs. huge strides. Joined 12 step calls 1.5 yr ago. Helpful.

But then challenges frustration depression and self loathing. Then addiction to food, wow where did that come from. Now, a slip. After so long. Just fantasy then a peek and I fell. The allure of lust was so overwhelming. Could not sleep for 2 nights and then m and straight to sleep. And the guilt began but it wasn't as bad as I expected. Yes I was ashamed but not too bad.

Anyway I'm depressed. Really depressed. This has always gone hand in hand and the p and m was just a way to fill the deep deep hole in my broken neshama/klei.

Diagnosed bipolar. Then rediagnosed add not really bi. Stimulants galore. Kicked them last year.

Therapy now for food addiction. And trying to stay on the calls.

I haven't gotten a sponsor. I'm too lazy. I know I need to find one and try that. I'll davening to hashem and maybe head to an in person sa meeting. Even though my shrink not recommending says calls better as...who knows.

Just so lonely. And so dissatisfied with life. And p and m are such a temporary fix. A drug fix. Shooting my veins up with lust or junk food. And it leads to more lust and craving. May life a mad hamster wheel.

gd is there but hard to see.

Sleepless

Wow, you've been through a lot. I'm sure we could learn from you. You seem to already know a lot of the tools. Guys struggle to make it for a few days or weeks. 8 years is INCREDIBLE! SA sounds like a good idea, but I don't know you, so only you can make that call. Maybe with the help of your therapist (and wife?)

Keep posting and sharing, it's a great and supportive chèvre here.

WELCOME!

Thanks I'll start lifting the weight and try and smile like your icon. Strength to stronger...

Ok, so you had a fall. Big deal. Move on. The way I see it is as follows. Prior to my becoming clean (60+ days) I would fall at least once a day, sometimes twice or more. So basically I was falling roughly 40 times a month, now down to 0. Lets assume i fell once during that time c'v, when I come to yom kippur I can say, "Look Hashem! I have had a 97% decrease in my nisayon!

The important thing is to focus on the 8 years of success. Its not "I failed after 8 years". It's, "I have had amazing success in 8 years with only one fall"! Do you know how many people here cry their eyes out to Hashem to achieve a week?

You are doing fine. Strengthen yourself and get back on the wagon.

Noitce how my arms never get stronger. I've been lifting these weights for over 2 1/2 years now. "How can that be" - you ask?






Hashem is lifting the weights. It just looks like I am .

Welcome Ezrasyid!!

Fell Shmell!!! Get back up, there is a new today!!!

One Day At A Time, Today is just like the last before you started the last lust spree!! You can be clean Today even though you fell yesterday!!!! and you can be clean Today regardless of what will happen tomorrow!

What did you do for those 8 years to stay clean? What didn't work this last time?

Stick around, post away!!! You are amongst understanding friends!!