I almost had a really bad fall tonight. It doesn't even make sense. I am halfway through my journey to 90 days and it would make sense for all of my Taivas to have been subsided by now. But that is just the thing about the Y"H, it doesn't work by the rules of logic and what makes sense. A verse from psalms that I read today might be hard to remember word for word, but a photograph or video I saw 6 years ago still comes back to haunt me in my thoughts. A rabbi of mine once alikened inappropriate pictures to files on a computer. Even if you haven't used the files in years, when you open the search you can always find them if you look hard enough. They always seem to resurface.
Thank God tonight didn't end up in a complete tragic fall. But i came pretty close. I think the key is making the proper fences. I got this far until now. Now is the time when I have the Lust of the Y"H down on the wrestling mat and he is struggling for that breath of air. He will try to get me to think of something inappropriate at all costs, he doesn't even care how wrong it is. But I must stand my ground. This isn't just a game. This is the real challenge now. A challenge that if I overcome it now, I will gain the momentum to continue to overcome challenges for the rest of time.
I have been with GYE for about two years now. And I have decided that NOW is the time to reach 90 days. I am so sick and tired of falling for the YH's old tricks. I am ready to be a true human being, a true eved HaShem. I am not going to let the YH turn me into a lowly animal.
The hardest part I find, is that the western culture is so blind to how damaging it can be to the soul. Obviously the evil exists everywhere but the fact that objectifying women and sexuality as something to be flaunted is something that makes me sick. How western culture complains about how women are treated as objects and then supports destructive behavior through promoting antisocial and anti marital sexual activities as a norm. This is the wrong, not the norm.
Thank The Lord that we have the wisdom of the Torah to guide us to a higher morality that IS within itself the HIGHEST TRUTH. A true compass when the rest of the world is lost at sea.
May we all be zocheh to always use our compass to find our way out of the sea of sins and lies. May we enter the realm of the truth of HaShem and be zocheh to the amazing and fulfilling fruits of a morally true life for us and all of our beloved families.
