(With a deep breath)
I can't believe I'm about to relate this to someone else. I can not remember now exactly how old I was. I think it was sometime between 6-10. I was molested (I think ) during this time. You see the thing is it wasn't so much them doing stuff to me, but them allowing me to do stuff to them, it was an older female. She started it and thought ashamed and horrified to say this; I liked it. I wanted her to let me do these things to her, so much so once it started I pushed her to let me. In time I think she came to her senses (realizing she was harming me, feeding the animal as it were) and stopped. I can't help but think, what kind of monster am I? After coming to GYE I started thinking, maybe I've had this problem sense birth or at least from a young age.

First off, your not a monster. We all have our horror stories.
Ive done things to others that i think were monstrous also, but thinking about them doesnt help my sobriety.

Dont think about what you've done, think about what you're gonna do...



oh, and btw, smile...

whatever the case is, not to think in any details of no1, (might bring us bad to our bad times), but we are together in the same sickness, looking to get healed, and iy"h will, with hashem helping us, and chaveirim giving us chizik here, and the main thing and point for us to know that "action is needed".
all chizik is good but we need MAASIM
so stay here, keep us posted
help is on ther way iy"h

Welcome Othniel,

As lizhensk said we all have our stories, most of them that I know started at an age where I don't think we will be held responsible for the actions we did, and even if we are going to be held responsible.....the only thing we could do is be the best we can right now.

You are no different than the rest of us, which makes you.....well as Dov told me "just a dude, another guy on this bus", and it's a pleasure to have another dude with us.

What are your current struggles? what are you doing to try and stop them?

KOP!!!!

My current problems are well.....1st at work I interact with customers regularly and some of these customers are women. So I question how do I interact w/them. How do I do my job w/o having that rush of desire run over me. The 2nd question may be silly at the very least less important. It's difficult to watch TV w/o seeing something I shouldn't, even the news with the way some of the women dress. Should I not watch TV at all or just turn the channel, I know avoiding trigger is important. And how do I do these things w/o drawing attention to myself so people don't start asking questions?

The more you can avoid triggers the better. How hard is it for you to avoid watching TV altogether? It is full of triggers. As far as working with women, that is a bit more difficult. First of all try not to stare at them, but also try and think of them as human beings with feelings and frailties like the rest of us.

Dov recommends davening for them. I can't say I've tried that (maybe a couple of times), but sometimes I imagine them opening presents under the xmas tree with their kids, or sitting in the doctors office getting diagnosed with a disease, or standing by the side of the road dirty from changing a flat tire.

Anything to humanize and desexualize (i think i just made up a word) them.

Othniel wrote:

For me the question is not doing my job WITHOUT desire, but how to react to the desire.

I am powerless over the rush of desire (just as I am powerless over many of my other emotions). If I am prepared to admit that the desire has power over me, that on my own I have NO control, then I can chose not to act (out) on it however painful it may be, and ask HaShem to restore me to sanity.

May He grant us a sober and sane day.

I suppose if I'm going to watch TV/movies I could be more carful about what I watch. Such as researching the show/movie I'm interested in watching before watching it and if I'm not sure, not to watch it at all would be best. thoughts?

I think that we have to realize that the way that women dress for work, especially in the summer, is one step removed for the beach. In fact, the secular world seems to view this such attire as some sort of feminist stance, even though it renders most women a sex object. I don't have an answer for this issue, other than not to fantasize about, gaze or objectify such women in your mind, but to have rachmanus on such women, in contrast to any woman dressed BDerecgh Tznua in the summer . I would avoid watching TV except for sports due to the violence, dialogue and overall decadent views of the family and sexuality, which cannot be reconciled with a Torah hashkafa. Once uypon a time, watching TV was at worst Bitul Zman and a waste of one's intellect. Today, watching TV assumes that you have no objection to what is depicted in front of you as to langauge, violence that looks like a pin ball machine and distorted view of the relationships between men and women, and except for news, and sports really constitute a very problematic way of spending your spair time.

I used to "surf" the channels during football games. I discovered years ago that some of the worst content in television, from a Tznius content, is progammed directly during football season on Sunday afternoons. Channel surfing, from my own experience, certainly was a trigger to watching porn.

Be craeful with your research. The ratings today are a joke, and the "family hour" is a non existent idea on the networks, which try to push the envelope, so that they can compete with the real junk on cable networks.

SIB101854 wrote:
You must be watching golf

I can't think of a more boring sport than golf -except for tennis!