chizukmachine wrote:

I totally relate to that.

Welcome to our club.
Personally, I wasn't caught, but I did eventually tell my wife.

You are a good man and have a very good wife.
It will take time and much patience to rebuild the relationship.
Stay the course, give her space, and continue to love her unconditionally.

Your wife might find it helpful to join the spouse's section of this forum, read, post, and get some chizuk. It's much quieter on the women's side, but it may be just what she needs. She may also find it helpful to read the men's side. (They all read it once they hear about it.) Seeing how so many men struggle with this opens their eyes and helps them realize that it's not just you. It's an epidemic.

On a separate note, it sounds like your life needs a bit of an overhaul.
Like healthy eating and sleeping habits. Like eating lots of whole grains, vegetables and fruits and drinking water. Like exercising regularly. Like getting with friends once in a while to be real. Like spending quality time with your wife. Like learning what your triggers are, learning to recognize them and turn them around.

Turning this around will take more than abstinence. It will take living a good and gratifying life. Take a look at The 12 Steps for more about this.

Hatzlocha!

Alex

If you and your wife are willing to do some work, things will get much better IY"H. I remember those first days and weeks after my wife found out. They were hell. B"H, we're in a much better place now.

Keep sharing with us.

Have a great Shabbos!

Like the others have said, you have a lot of work do to... but it sounds like you've already started back in the right direction.

May Hashem give you and your wife strength and patience, in order to work this through, and hatzlacha to you in your sincere efforts at improving yourself.

Have a great Shabbos.

So, shabbos was better and at least my wife talks to me now. She did say she can never see herself being with me again as she will always be thinking I want to be with another girl. But at least we're talking. . . . I wonder if we ll ever be back to normal , but thinking about it I think we generally need counseling . .. .even in normal times I didn't feel super close bec I always was hiding my thoughts and feelings . . .maybe the therapist can help with all that stuff as well .. .. .

therapy is probably a good idea.

i had a long talk with my wife last night. She doesn't see any future with me. she said she can never trust me again and that i took away the person she thought she would be with for the rest of her life. she said that every time i speak she only hears lies. she said she see's no future because she doesn't want to have to worry every time i step out of the house that i'm going to a strip club or talking to some girl, etc. she says she can't live with that kind of worry and doubt for the rest of her life, that she wants someone who will love her and only her and make her the center of their world. She's still in the house but she said that if she had somewhere to go she would. I want to say i can't believe this is happening to me but really its i can t believe i did this to myself. we are scheduled to see the therapist this week and she will go but she says its only to tell her side of the story and she doesn't think she will go back again. she doesn't realize that i love her and never wanted to hurt her. i'm feeling kind of numb.

It's really hard for women. They don't understand at all, but many people have been able to have successful, even better marriages as a result. It's hard if she doesn't want to save the marriage. Are there any signs that she might consider staying?

I would tell her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep her. Therapy, 12 step group, anything. Let her see that you are serious about recovery.

Daven.

It's difficult impossible for a wife not to take this personally. Plus she has valid concerns about trusting you. It will take much time to rebuild that trust.

Life is not so easy for divorced women. Once your wife cools off a bit, she can think clearly about the great unknown of being a frum divorcee vs. rebuilding her relationship with you.

But like I said, daven. Cry and daven.

and daven and cry. We are also davening with you.
There are also wives of addicts here who can give her chizuk and help her realize that there is life after our techiyas hamaisim when she will be ready to hear that.

chizukmachine wrote:

sheesh, it feels like im reliving my own story again... Chizuk, i seriously feel for u, but the only advice i can give is patience... my wife told me the same thing. It hurt me too... tremendously. But trying to talk her out of thinking the way shes taking this would only backfire. Leave her be. If u wanna talk, you could PM me and ill give u my gmail and we can chat...

Wow this is the first time I have seen this thread and it is scary, real scary as I am still hiding it from my wife and I am not sure I will ever tell her. But people on this thread have given their advice from their real life experience, so I won't give any advice except STAY STRONG. Whilst reading this thread I almost started crying and I have already said a perek Tehillim for you.

Hold on and don't collapse into the pressures, we are all davening for you. Yitzchok

Hi Chizzuk,

I'm going to come out and say it. This really stinks for you. I am really sorry you are in this spot, my heart hurts for you so much. There are a few hopeful glimmers I see here...
1) She is talking to you
2) She is going to therapy with you

Let's be clear, there is a chance that your marriage may be in serious trouble now but the question is what is the course from here. Hopefully she will learn that this is a disease, just like alcoholism or gambling addiction. It is imperative that you understand the gravity of the problem that you have, and not simply because you were caught. I was not caught, but had a near miss. I struggle every day to keep that terror fresh in my mind so I can keep clean.

Like the other guys here say, stay strong. Daven, cry. There is probably not a lot that you can tell her that will resonate, but just hang in there. I'H things will work out for the best.

I agree-at least your wife is interested in maintaining your marriage and seeking help. That is a very positive first step.

ull see iy"h
ירידה זו צורך עליה
some1 of the chaveirim here wrote me in private, that his best day in life was when his wife busted him, cuz from then on he took his issues into control, was murder hard, ever he left like committing S...., but from there on slowly became better and better
לה' הישועה
מלך ממית ומחיה ומצמיח ישועה