Hello there. I am writing this to introduce myself. I am married with kids, BT. I have been struggling with this addiction since I was little. I was one of those kids that start early. It accompanied me all my life.

When I became frum I was very concerned about this problem, because it had already destroyed a marriage, but I blocked it out. I actually became frum believing that I was guilty and tainted, and figured that I deserved death for being who I was, indeed for wanting what I wanted, but I still thought observing the Torah would be worth it even if I couldn't be a perfect tzadik, even if it meant I had to be destroyed in order to be true to it. Thanks to many "helpful hints" from Hashem when I became frum I got an internet filter, which kept out the worst of it. However I still persevered with motzi zera l'vatala through thoughts and looks.

I married a frum girl and had children, and over the years the addiction almost destroyed my marriage. Finally I davened for issurim and I got them. I ended up in a sort of galus (I would rather not go into detail.) After a while I went home, and my local Rabbi has been advising me. He emphasizes the need for simcha in my yiddishkeit, and the fact that the yetzer ha-ra feels like it's a whole cavalry, but really it's more like a lone horseman. The only way it can win is if I choose to let it.

Since then I helped a couple of friends myself, on the strength of my own experience.

I can see the tree of daas in my life, all day long. It's full of inaccuracies, it's foggy, and rotten, and I can't go on if I don't sit down and write down my thoughts regularly, to feel them, examine them, to accept what I truly desire. It's exhausting. But without that tree I would not be able to properly appreciate Hashem's depth. I would just be a guy walking around the garden, eating fruits that don't even need to be peeled, like a child who has no idea what goes through his parents' minds.

I guess I am not an important guy. I am not clean for years and years, I didn't go to yeshiva, I am not a Rabbi, I am not special, but it doesn't matter to me any more. I don't need to be.

you are special

Hashem loves you

write your thoughts down

you can be helped

b'hatzlachah

Welcome to GYE!

We're looking forward to getting to know you!

WOW!! To still pick up and try what you can, Amazing!!!

Acceptance is the name of the game, and hand in hand with that comes "one day at a time". Just today, no past, no future, just today, just now.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

Let me add my welcome to the choir. We are happy to have you here, and looking forward to hear more from you.

And heres my harmony... WELCOO-OOME!!!
(heard the depth? there were actually 3 levels of harmony there)

Anyway, ROCK AND ROLL!!!

Welcome,

To echo cordnoy's words, you are an important person and always will be.

I'd like to share a mashul I found extremely inspiring.A great composer once went to a concert where they had a full orchestra playing.Everyone was enjoying the music and the night was a big success.At the end of the night someone asked the composer if he ever had heard such great music.He replies "it was horrible, the violins were all bad".Later they found out that one of the 23 violinists was sick and couldn't make it.

The composer is Hashem, just like the composer who recognizes and cares about every musician, even among all the many other ones, so too, Hashem cares about each and every one of us and we make or break the whole world to him.


(it was written better where i read it...)

Hatzlacha, keep on posting.

Me too.

Welcome.

I am happy for you that you have joined us.

May HaShem grant you the gift of recovery as many others here have experienced it.

Wow. I think the gemara says that as long as the bays is not rebuilt we have not corrected the problem, but I think on this forum it is indeed being corrected. Thank you all. May you all have clear vision.

So now you probably need a plan to stop. if you decide you want to stop, then with a plan Be"h you can and will do it.

your word brought tears to my eyes. you are someone special.
thanks and a gut yom tov !

Hows it going Mike?

What is your method for staying clean?

Somebody sent me private message saying I don't share enough (though it was very politely stated.) It came just at the right time. I go through periods when I am clean and then something changes and I have to start all over again.

Recently I really screwed up, I stopped writing to myself every day, and now I am in the middle of nowhere, totally not mindful of what I am doing. I have to start writing to myself again.

My wife is pregnant now which means a platonic relationship for the next eleven months or so. I don't think I want to do that while sleeping in her bed. I have to constantly turn myself off. I can do that well when is feeling anxious and she really needs help, but now she is pretty happy because she is pregnant, and I am not sold on the fact that I am better off doing that. If I try to go to sleep by ten o'clock so I can get up to learn she complains that I am going to sleep before her, she wants me to put her to sleep first. All of a sudden she is a dependent person. She falls apart if I withdraw and get happy on my own. But she doesn't want to fix anything on her side.

For years I wanted to sleep with her and she couldn't do it because of past problems, and now she is warming up to me and I am not interested. I have already explored that and verified that it's not worth it. I can teach myself to recognize that I have a choice not to desire her, and then I am better off pursuing other things. I don't want to start believing that I need her all over again.

I have to calm down and play my game. Let her play her game, I play my game. If she gets upset about something that is not my problem. I have a mitzvah to make her happy (it's good for me to try to do that,) but I am not responsible for the final result.

Whatever, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. All things considered now she is happier because she is going to have another baby, my kids are happy because I am still around, my parents are happy because they have grandchildren, so whatever happens I am ahead. I got over depression before and I can do it again.

Have you tried going for counseling with your wife?
It may improve communication, so that you can stop playing games.

We had some pretty serious counseling a couple of years ago, separately. Both therapists basically wrote us off. They said a sex addict and someone with her background could never make it work. You'll never pull this off.