Thank you for the kind words of encouragement and to those that PM me.

Went through a deep sense of depression (I cant remember feeling that low ever)...came out of it with a renewed strength to quit Porn and MB. I know this sounds silly....but had a good strong 3 day cleans. No desire even. This is after a solid 2 weeks of almost daily falls (per Dov...MB and Porn). I was rationalizing not doing the much worse things I used to...so does God really care if I relieve my stress this way?

I spoke with my "sponsor" and threw in the towel at the lowest point of my 2 weeks and said let me know where an SA meeting is near my home. I came to the conclusion that I just cant beat this on my own...nor do I believe I can with my GYE posts....possibly with my sponsor but that relationship is infrequent right now.

I actually emailed him if he made any progress on finding me an appropriate meeting. In a million years I never thought I would even entertain the idea of going to a meeting....but reality has set in....I cant beat this...I just don't have the tools.

I wish this post was all good news....old friend came by yesterday...at my office (I am not innocent in her coming over)....started...was able to ask her to leave (5 min) but not after we started old behavior. Why couldn't I keep these strong feelings and a strong (albeit short) streak (which I broke) going? Why not have the power to say this is nuts....I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!

So illogical....know how badly I feel right afterwards....Why WHY WHY!

Stopped asking why and hope to work the courage up to actually walk through the SA doors....

Nachshon

Nachshon wrote:


that's great!
keep on shteiging!
Chazak v'Amatz!!

Nachshon...lots of good stuff there....

1. Headin' to SA after bein' against it (sounds familiar to me....good move)
2. stopped askin' why...that is a great move...many here should learn from you

only bummer.....don't hope to go thru those doors....just go thru 'em!!!

b'hatzlachah

I don't think that giving up and going to SA is bad or low. I think it is the hope for a bright future.

Even though your name is not really Nachshon, you can still use him as a role model. He went into the waters in what seemed hopeless and a guaranteed wet end, depended on G-d to do the real saving, and...well, here we all are on dry land today, no?

Sometimes - no, frequently - growth comes by walking through what clearly appears to be a stupid option like this one you have before you right now. Kind of like walking into the deep see and hoping for...for...for what? I mean, what could possibly solve this impossible riddle we live in addiction?! Only G-d can, obviously.

It probably always feels that way.

~
Nachshon Wrote:
I came to the conclusion that I just cant beat this on my own...nor do I believe I can with my GYE posts....reality has set in....I cant beat this...I just don't have the tools.


Shivisi Responds:
That's Great!!
I once heard an explanation of the words "MeAyin Yavo Ezri" (Tehillim 121:1):
My help will come when I reach the salvation that I'm at the point of "AYIN" , which means naught, nothingness, in GYE language "Rock bottom"!
As long as one thinks that there is a way to beat this with his own powers, this is a losing battle. As soon as he realizes, as you did, that - I cant beat this...I just don't have the tools" - then the salvation comes!

But Nachshon - I have one question:
Why did you write "I wish this post was all good news...."???

Was it JUST BECAUSE - "old friend came by yesterday...at my office (I am not innocent in her coming over)....started...was able to ask her to leave (5 min) but not after we started old behavior...???

You call that BAD NEWS???
That's not bad news! That's part of the GOOD NEWS which your post is ALL about!
Especially since you concluded with "Why couldn't I keep these strong feelings and a strong (albeit short) streak (which I broke) going?"

How can you ask "Why not have the power to say "This is nuts....I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!"

HEY!! YOU ARE SAYING THAT!!!
This is all part of the process of strengthening your realization of "AYIN"!!
That you're so totally helpless!! That you can't beat this on your own!!

That's not only GOOD NEWS, IT'S GREAT NEWS!!!!!!
You're on the way to salvation!!

KOT!!!

And have Hatzlacha with your SA Meetings!!

Sorry haven't posted in a bit and thanks all for the kind works and encouragement.

Been an amazing week plus...not just a streak...but can feel a change. Trying Not to get too excited about the feeling as could be just one of my upswing cycles. I pray this is different. Last sponsor conversation worried me....is it possible that I just have this sickness and MB/lust is an inherent part of me and there will be this pressure building up in me that can only be relieved by acting out?

Right now trying to ride this wave....and hope to keep it going...can see the light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Riding high....but have this little voice in my head saying it is just a matter of time until I ride the wave down.

Am I fundamentally flawed that I just cant live without this? Am I going to justify that I am not doing horrendous things (meeting other people)....why not just MB and PRN?

I was partially relieved when my sponsor did not know of any SA meetings in my state....I live in an area with not a lot of Jews. So in a way felt like I can check off that box....I tried...of course he suggested I look online and find a meeting.

Perhaps I am just thinking too much and should just continue to live each day....10 day streak without Pn and MB....may not seem like a lot to you...but haven't hit this mark in a while.

I am sure some roll their eyes for the fact that I am even counting....but this gives me a yard stick to measure my progress.

I have not flipped the switch as some who have been in recovery for a long time have been able... where streaks are meaningless...I hope to some day


For those that read this over 3,000 have read the thread....don't get down if in a bad streak....YOU can and will beat this by taking concrete real steps. the first step is the hardest (reaching out and speaking to someone)....but is is well worth making the leap.

On my way......

tell that little voice in your head (by me...it's a big voice) firstly to @#$% off! secondly, tell him that you are just concerned about the moment in front of you....not the "matter of time."

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:



In my experience I have found that with these types of "voices in my head" which are not ACTIVELY relevant at the moment, but rather (thoughts, ideas, etc.), it is better just to "Ignore them" [meaning Don't pay ANY attention to them, don't invest effort to get rid of them, or you'll get into the "don't think about pink elephants" mode], rather than to give them attention even by telling them "to @#$% off! ", and surely not by arguing with them. These little (or big) voices are like flies, the more you swat them the more they nag.

Whatever works.....

b'hatzlachah

Just keep us posted, man.

Had an AMAZING 2 week run....broke it stupidly (aren't they all stupid....right after the seamen flows)? I did jump back on (other falls were usually a binge)....am on new 4 day streak....I do feel this new perspective just feels differently....the desire not there as much...ability to control....it is true what they say the less you feed it the easier it is to tame.

I would be lying if I said there are not moments that I miss the excitement. For me is/was the chase...some sick need to "prove" to myself that I still have it....on top of the basic lust for the orgasm. I catch my mind reliving past experiences....try to shut down quickly.

Am I know just thinking about the lows that follow? Or have I made same kind of shift in my brain? Not sure...feel closer to wife...opened up a bit more to her....

I always get stuck on whats next for me? How do I move forward take the next rung on the ladder of recovery?

An emboldened soul marches on....it definitely looks brighter!

Hi All.....been a while....cant say for certain why I went cold turkey from GYE I just did....probably a combination of crazy busy and not sure I was making much progress....

First a bit of an update...I wish this was one of those amazing success stories that come in the Chizuk emails (read todays and thus the impetus) to get back on the train. I have had my ups and downs...start with the ups....Everyone likes those! Have not met anyone for a long time...partially because so busy (is that god answering my prayers that I get help beating this)...partially feel like I can envision how I will feel 5 minutes later and realize the soul crushing guilt...just not worth it! The downs...still struggle (not sure thats the right word...because doesn't seem like a struggle lately) with porn...I can be catching up on emails, reading about Israel... and somehow a switch just goes off in my mind....next minute watching porn and 30 minutes later masterbation....always say afterwards how nuts....why cant I say that before I start?

I use as somewhat of a stress reliever....work has gotten crazy intense...partially I am not sure why I keep at this behavior.

Before YK I asked Dov to see if he could find me a local sponsor....didnt get back to me for a bit (was kind of happy about that). The prospects of meeting someone in person used to be crazy scary.,...now just scary. I finally pursued him and he found me a phone sponsor. We spoke once....interesting guy and I appreciated the time...just had some whacky (in my opinion) thoughts of why we are challenged by MB...something to do with what happened to the jews during the Shoah

I was going to Israel for a qucik trip and did not pursue further....again combination of crazy work schedule...BOD responsibilities and family. Plus just couldn't get off his core belief about it having something to do with what happened to the Jews...just seems far fetched that it is other than some weakness in me!


So what now???

Wish I knew....am in a better place but still struggle with MB and find myself at times looking at old websites where I met people from. For me some sick challenge that I still have it. Haven't acted on it...and dont think I will...but put nothing past me.

I guess its on to finding the right sponsor...and god forbid a meeting soon afterwards?

Here is my pitch.

I am a married father with a very high stress job (that I love...most of the time). I grew up very modern where this was all very normal. I am very involved in community projects and am a involved father. I am naturally very out going....

I have struggled with some form of this for many years since I was 12...hate to put my age on here but add a 25 to it.

I dont really relate to people with a chasidish back ground (I love all jews) just find it so difficult to connect with shared experiences....

I have laid it out there...I hope will find the person that will help me over this challenge.

Sorry for rambling.

Well, except for the modern part, I have the same background.
Complacency (as I discussed with specialist just this mornin') is a killer.
Welcome back.
Sorry about the downs.
Good to hear about the ups.

My email is thenewme613@hotmail.com

b'hatzlachah