My name is tttzyk (the z is silent) and I'm new here. I used to think that with a filter and self determination, I could avoid needing extra help, but here I am. I feel like I hit rock bottom when I was nichshal today... even during the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah! I need extra chizuk. I looked at some of the tools on this site and I am a little more optimistic. The 90 day chart and the Taphsic method really look like they can help me.

I have had this problem for a while, and it's been getting steadily worse. There have been times, even long periods where I was clean (when I was in kollel in Eretz Yisroel after I got married, while there were times I fell and looked at inappropriate material, I don't think I ever fell to the point where I was "nichshal"). But the past few years have been difficult. Lately it seems I can't even go three weeks without being nichshal, and usually much shorter. I have a filter, but there are two problems. One is that my wife has access to my password, and whenever she leave her e-mail on and forgets to log out, then I have access to the password (I refuse to find out the password for her email for this reason). Sometimes I'm strong enough to log out for her, but when I am feeling the ta'avah, it's much more difficult. The second problem is that I only have a filter on my computer. My wife's computer is unprotected and I am very afraid of trying to put a filter on her computer because I don't want her to find out I have a problem.

In conclusion, I felt very depressed today being nichshal only a few days before Yom Hadin and only a few days after I had (or at least I thought I had) a successful Rosh Hashanah, and I felt that the only thing I can do to show HKB"H that I am interested in change before Yom Hadin is to join this site and make tangible efforts at growth. Here goes nothing!

A warm sholom aleichem to you!

tttzyk


I felt exactly the same way three weeks ago when I joined the forum...but am now three weeks clean. Even if I don't get another clean day, I'm still thrilled.

Welcome aboard!

lots of talk about being 'nichshal.'
Is that the reason you wanna stop?
Is it the aveirah?
Is it Gehinnom?
Is it the 'niduy'?

Think about it and let the oilam know.
they are here to help.

Let them know why you are acting out, and for how long.

Your journey should be blessed with hatzlachah.

I want to stop mainly because it's wrong. I am not mechalel Shabbos because it's wrong. I do not eat treif because it's wrong. I want to stop this because it's wrong.

That's my main motivation, but I'm not going to pretend that there aren't secondary motivations. I am afraid of the oneish, but more because of how it can affect my family (in some ways, I kind of find nechama when I get a personal, private punishment, like if I find myself in an embarrassing situation, because I feel like HKB"H is giving me a kapparah now- I guess I always thought of it like how the Gemara talks about how embarrassing someone in public is akin to murder, and being embarrassed in public is akin to being killed- I sometimes feel that when HKB"H puts me in an embarrassing situation, it replaces the literal misah bidei shamayim that is supposedly the punishment for being nichshal). I want to stop because of how it affects my daily avodas Hashem. I don't learn as much, I don't daven as well, and in general I am much lazier and waste more time in the aftermath of when I am nichshal. And I am also terrified, absolutely terrified of being caught. I am embarrassed of my problem and I don't think anyone close to me would understand. I need to stop before it is too late.

Welcome!

Two quick thoughts:

Simply tell your wife that the rabbonim insist that all computers have a filter.

Don't make Taphsic vows about the actual act of looking at pornography or masturbating (I assume that's what "nichshal" means). Rather, make the vow about a geder. For example, "if I use the computer when no one else is in the room..."

Welcome to the kehilla!

i am no expert, but stopping mainly because it is wrong will not help. precisely like you said about chillul Shabbos and other aveiros. you did not do them, for you know they are wrong. yet, this aveirah, you (and I, and us) did, although we knew it was wrong.

So why will you stop now for it is wrong?

As far as getting caught, we are all invincible; nobody sees under da desk or in da toilet.

we need a better reason.

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME tttzyk! (am I pronouncing it right ) You have come to the right place. Your story is very familiar to me. I fell lower and lower and saw no way out. My wife caught me 4 years ago and it was hell the best thing that ever happened to me . I found this site over 2 years ago and it has been a blessing. There is a great chevra here and lots of resources. You are not alone. Many have been helped here. You can be helped too.

Keep posting. You have taken a good first step.

tttzyk wrote:


Welcome to the club Chabbibi

Sorry to nit pick here but which one is it?

For many of the people here we have come to the conclusion (either voluntarily or by force ) that life as a lust /arousal addict is just not worth it

I dunno about you, but I've been caught a few times and it didn't stop me.

Of course any sane torah observant Jew will tell you that the ikkar is that it's wrong.

But if it's wrong why do you keep on doing it?

Wrong is just that. Wrong. But often it is not enough motivation to stop.

Understanding your motivation will help you chart your path.

Eli

I want to stop because it is wrong. It hasn't stopped me now because when I have the taavah, it makes me lose perspective and in the moment, the pleasures in the short run out weight right and wrong. I guess I'm looking for methods to help me keep perspective even when I have a strong ta'avah. Alternatively, mitoch shelo lishmah ba lishma, if I have some other short term immediate neagtive consequence which can potentially negate the pleasures of being nichshal (like the tafsik method) and will stop me from acting on my taavos... I'm happy with that too.

tttzyk wrote:

100% true. Short term pleasure wins 99.99999 times out of 100.

tttzyk wrote:

The first thing is to avoid triggers at all costs. That means avoiding looking, fantasizing, etc.

There are emotional triggers as well. Lonliness, depression, anger, resentment, etc. For those we need to learn to live differently, to make friends, to rely on Hashem, to realize EVERYTHING comes from Him and he loves us to pieces!

When all else fails, call a friend and talk it out.

tttzyk wrote:

I haven't found any pain that is painful enough to stop me when I have a strong desire. Have you?

tttzyk wrote:

I haven't found any pain that is painful enough to stop me when I have a strong desire. Have you?[/quote]

Amen to that.

The key is to stay away from the things that get the rolling