I have a few questions - would like to hear everyone's thoughts:

1. I am really itching to talk to my wife about this! I guess I should give some background: I was "clean" for about 2 years after I got married. Since then (several years later) I've had ups and downs - sometimes "up" for several weeks or months, but then sometimes down for a while. Mainly hz"l and looking at pictures that most wouldn't call p* (I hate that word) but certainly are enticing pictures and quite asur to look at (the kinds on shopping or news websites that a company filter wouldn't block). She knows I need shmira with my computer at work (that's a different topic) but she doesn't know about my history of hz'l. Since I've come to this site (less than a week ago) I have learned alot about myself and feel this is the first time I've found something that can really work for me and I very badly want to talk about my feelings with her. But everyone's telling me it's too soon to discuss with her. My sense is that she won't take it so bad and she'll understand but I'm not 100% sure.

2. I'm afraid I'm becoming addicted to this website! I am afraid I'm spending too much time here at work. Which I shouldn't be using my time at work really at all for the web but at home my wife has the internet password and I don't really use it at home at all.

3. Part of the problem is I feel antsy at work. I like my job in general, but, like many jobs, some days are busy and some are less busy, and I sit in a cubicle so I feel sometimes like I need to get up and move around alot.

Eitzah anyone?! Thanks!

Wow! Are you sure you are not me?

The only difference between you and me is that my wife knows about my problem already. Elsewere on the forum I have posted my story, but the short version is that I got fired from a job a couple of years ago for looking at shmutz, and that's how my wife found out.

I also work in a cubicle.

I also need a change of scenery after sitting all morning. I am trying to be more consistent with taking a walk during my lunch hour.

I also spend too much work time on GYE because I am not busy enough and would rather waste work time on GYE than on shmutz.

I also don't use the internet so much at home anymore because it is filtered (K9), monitored (SpectorPro i.e. screenshots), and a bad example for my kids.

By the way, if you use Firefox or Chrome, you can install the add-in called AdBlock Plus, which knocks out most of the questionable material that line your news websites.

Now, as far as telling the wife is concerned. If you do tell your wife, you can count on the fact that regardless of what your specific history is, she will be shocked and somewhat traumatized. She will lose a good amount of trust for you. It will take some time, probably a long time, probably forever, for her to FULLY come to terms with it. At the same time, YOU will a huge feeling of relief to let your long-held, dirtiest, darkest secret out of the bag. It will help if you have specific tools or things you can point to to show you are 1000% committed to your recovery. For example, you have been going to therapy, you have been working on the 12 steps over the phone during your lunch break, to name a few ideas.

For me, I did not tell my wife I was fired until I told a rebbe first, who referred me to a therapist, and I first met with the therapist before I told my wife anything. I think that helped a lot. It also depends on how strong your marriage is generally holding. If it is strong, this will not break it, and in the end, as she observes your growth and recovery and starts to regain her trust in you slowly, you will ultimately benefit.

You also might consider speaking with your rov or rebbe first and possibly even spilling the beans to your wife in the presence of, and with the support and guidance of your rov/rebbe.

In the end, since I don't know you, I can't vote for or against telling her, but I can only give you an idea of what you might expect if you do tell.

Gotta go, there is still work to be done! Have a good Shabbos.

Let us know what you decide.

bentorahyy wrote:


Many of us use this fantasy life of ours to fill a certain void. The void may have been more prominent when we were younger. But once we've been doing this for so long, when we stop, there's a new void. GYE is a great way to temporarily fill that void. Ultimately you'll fill it with other aspects of real life.

I think it's wonderful that you feel so strongly that you want to share this struggle with your wife. It says that you want to be close to her, that you don't like hiding things from her. The fact is, though, that it would be a selfish indulgence to tell her while you're still stuck in it. She doesn't need to start worrying about whether you're back doing it or not. I would suggest getting many months of sobriety under your belt first. Then you can share it with her without her feeling like she now has a new burden. You can then enjoy the additional closeness of having shared this very private part of yourself with her.

Welcome to GYE!

I just want to add my two cents (for whatever its worth)
in this area, admitting to one's wife is tantamount to being uncovered as a traitor to one's country
I know it sounds a bit heavy, let me explain...
when we get married, we make a "bris" nisuin, agreeing to the covenant of marriage
part of that bris is being faithful to each other, thru thick and thin. Is there any area which touches more on such a bris than this? Our "backsliding" then is a breach of that covenant...
In my mind (and I would like to hear if others concur with me) the only way one can possibly approach his wife with such info is to literaly break down crying, realizing the enormousness of the breach and his betrayal to his partner in life, to one who is dedicated, even going beyond the call of duty to take care of our needs, and is truly faithful to us
We might not think of it that way - after all, we may feel that are succumbing to a greater force - but as someone who is "outside" of our struggle, our wives don't see it "our" way
Empathizing with our wives feelings then calls for approaching it the way SHE sees it...

(this is really good mussar for Elul, because we made a bris with Hashem as well...)

although I have stated here many times that I cannot tell my wife, and probably will not do so for a very long time, I disagree with your mashal (except for guys like me, and I will explain): husbands that have issues with m and p are not traitors to their wives; they are doing something wrong..even an aveirah, perhaps addicting as well. Was there a bris by the nisuin that this would not happen? I know you will tell me that a wife perhaps expects that her husband will not look at another woman, certainly a naked one, and certainly one ...whatever. but that is not a pact with her. one who goes to seder and doesn't learn there is certainly deceiving his wife. Is it treason? Perhaps; but then many things are.

again, I am not talking about myself, for in the past year, I have betrayed my wife. my addiction or sickness was channeled to one specific woman. that was treasonous to her. I am talking for the ordinary porn watcher and masturbator. While his wife will be extremely upset and she might even feel betrayed, is he violating an agreement?

perhaps I will be taken to task about this. correct me if im wrong. I haven't seen on this site until now those words. I am not condoning the husband's behavior at all. we are all here to stop. but to say that this is a covenant of marriage? is it?

it is against a covenant to ourselves. we are somewhat sick. our lives suck! but leave the wife out of this.

yes, when you tell her, you can cry. im sure you will. and her trust in you will be nill.

I dont even know why im carrying on like this. perhaps, I am worried that people wont tell their wives for they will regard themselves as traitors. imho, and perhaps I am dead wrong, I dont view it as being a traitor to one's wife. I view it as a sickness, an addiction for some, an aveirah, something that God is not happy about at all...and mainly...as a life that is not a life, and one should wanna change it.

my apologies to you and to all,,b'hatzlachah

Well - I appreciate all the eitzah from everyone! Truth is, I don't usually do this, but I went against all the etizah I was given - I was bursting to have a conversation with her about it - and I told her. Really, anyway, we had had conversations before about some aspects of this, and I opened up more to her this time. Wasn't sure what to expect - but it went very very well. She saw this as my personal problem that she will be happy to help me work through if I want, and she viewed me with respect that I wanted to seriously work on being m'sakein a middah ra'ah. I guess I should consider myself a very fortunate person, to have a wife who is so supportive and understanding. I think ultimately this will help me succeed, along with GYE, in the long run. In the past I've had periods of several months (at one point even 2 years) when I was "clean", and I think I just need constant daily chizuk to be successful. However - I'm just sharing my experience for some thoughts for others, but I sense it probably is not the way to go for most of you (as you've said yourselves). Part of that may be my wife grew up in a non-sheltered environment, unlike (this may totally be a stereotype on my part) someone who grew up in a strictly Torah environment from birth. Maybe that's part of it, but it could also be my wife and I have always had a good relationship - but if things wouldn't be so smooth, or if had gotten into more trouble than I did, maybe she wouldn't have taken it as well. I don't at all mean to be "rubbing it in" to cause any ona'as devarim - I'm really only sharing this as a thought that maybe being open with one's wife has its merits. hatzlacha to all of you!

WOW!! Good for you!!

Wish you continued hatzlacah!!

we are thrilled for you

much continued success

you now have a partner to help you along!

b'hatzlachah

Happy it worked out for you.
You are truly fortunate.

While it is that you do whatever you do in terms of therapy etc.- the one thing that should accompany you in your journey, as well as all of us in our journey is the following:
we dont have any "problems". Anything that seems to bother us or hinder us etc. is only there for our benefit and for our good. When we reframe "problems" "challenges" etc. to what they truly are underneath and inherently, which is nothing but goodness from the one above and only there for us in the first place for our benefit - for otherwise, it wouldnt exist in the first place and we embrace it lovingly as a caress from above etc.- the process is one that we are not afraid of, as we know if its there to benefit us, theres no such thing as failure etc.(even when it seems to the contrary) and it fills us with love and contentedness and calm. He placed the so called challenge and problem - so he knew all that we would undergo in the process and that is PRECISELY the way he wanted it, without the minutest difference.