Hello all,

To begin, I'm french, sorry if my English is not very good...

I'm on GYE since 1 year and a half, and on the Chart since April 2013.
I think that now is the time to go on the forum and to be more active...

I am 31 years old (32 in 16 Ellul !). I am married with 2 little baby girls.
I'm an only son

Since I was 12, I always had problems with the Kedusha with zera levatala...
It was very often, every 2-3 days, with some periods of calm of 2-3 weeks without explication.


To explain the family context : I am not from a religious family : my dad was not jew, and my parents divorced when I was 13. The problems began in this period in my memory.

My parents divorced because I began to go to jewish schools (I was in public french schools before, but I had problems of racism there), and my mother and I had began to do Techuva : it wasn't possible for my mother to live with my dad and to live a complete jewish life...
My father also had problems of alcoholism, with many struggles with my mother. My mother had often to search him in the city because he was too drunk, and often the police called her in 4 a.m because they found him in a train station sleeping.

He didn't succeed to escape of this and he deceased when I was 16. We didn't know why because he lived alone in a little city, but probably of consequences of alcoholism. I didn't go to his funerals because his family did it at a church.


Then I lived alone with my mother. And this was very difficult...
Because my mother, even today, if she is very shy with me, is at some times, very hard with me and speaks many very difficult things to me : "You're a bad son, you do not respect me, respect for parents is absolute and you don't do it..." She doesn't understand that I could have a life "detached of my mother" and do my own choices, even if she doesn't agree. Even today that I am married !

Another thing is she allowed me very little to see friends, and to go out.
The consequence is easy to understand : I lived alone most of my time, I had a lot tend to confine myself to me.
If I didn't have some very shy friends that understood the problem and the problematic relation with my mother, I could be with no friend at all.

And when I had internet at home when I was 20, this made the things worse in zera levatala, at a very important point. When I was alone at home, I could spent an entire day to watch those web sites...

Meanwhile, I succeeded to got a degree in computer programming, and I found a work after a long time.
I began to do web sites and to be specialized in this domain.

My mother was in hospital for 8 months and I lived alone at home in this time. I am not afraid to say that I felt like a prisoner who was released !

After this, I began to meet girls in shiduhim. I did many shiduhim that didn't succeed.
I made Shiduhim when I went in the same day on websites of tuma... Wow. I was like two persons in one.

I meet a girl when I was 27, and the shiduch began to last. But after 6 months, she left me.
It was a very very big sentimental disappointment ! I cried many days...
This, and a rabbi who advised me very well pushed me to stop all of a sudden. At all !

And after 4 months, I returned in shiduch with this girl... and we got married !
The marriage was very difficult with my mother (and she speaks to me often of this) because I clearly wanted to do my choices, and for the security of my couple, we moved to the city of my wife (some kilometers of my mother)

Then I stayed clean for almost two and a half years b''h, except 2-3 accidents.

But, since april 2012, I was falling again in on a regular basis, every 2-3 weeks...

I have internet at work and I can't filter the internet for technical reasons.
Indeed, I have no internet or TV at home, except the internet from my cell phone that sometimes get me in trouble, but less severe than the internet at work.

Since april 2013, I succeeded to make 120 days clean. I changed from my desk to another desk more exposed to the eyes of others, and It helped me to stop to watch sites on my computer desk.

But yesterday, I fell another time... It was after a very very difficult telephone conversation with my mother.
I feel that I am falling again. I think that I didn't quite work against lust, and I think there I also abandoned in my struggle since I had reached 90 days.

I think that I have to work, to share with members of GYE, to be helped by GYE and to help... And this forum is the good place

The Chizuk mails comfort me much, and I saw all the good advices of the members in these mails !

Thank you for your help and your Chizuk...

Welcome David...

Your story really touches the heart. Hashem must really love you for your great effort and achievements despite all your hardships. You've come to the best place available in our times regarding these issues. Stick around and you'll get much chizzuk and advice. I can see from your past history that you got what it takes to achieve recovery. You just need some fine-tuning, which you will definitely find at GYE. So stick around and enjoy the journey.

Hatzlacha

MT
.

Welcome Dovid and keep on trying

Have you made commitment to stop? What are the triggers? Can you identify them?
why do you want to stop? Are there concrete steps you can take? Letting chevra know these things will help them in their response to you.

b'hatzlachah

HI David26fr! WELCOME! You are in the right place. It sounds like you have an extremely difficult relationship with your mother. Do you have anyone to speak to about her? The stress from your relationship with her is clearly a trigger for you. It sounds like she has a lot of issues herself.

Do you have anyone you can speak to about your issues of shmiras aynayim and shmiras habris? Speaking to a trusted Rav or therapist, or even just a friend can be very helpful.

Keep us posted. We are here for you.

Sorry if I delayed to respond : I was a little ill the last week, and it taken me a little time to take courage to respond...

Thank you much for your messages !
They helped me, even if it's difficult right now...

Cordonoy, I want to stop it, with no doubt ! This is clear for me NOW, I have no doubt about it NOW, but.... when I will get an attack or a sudden desire to go to these site or to do it, the things become difficult, and the decision is not as clear as before...

I want to say that I fall only at work. At home, with the children and my wife never far away, I don't have problem. When they are not at home, I recognize that it become slightly difficult, but I manage to stay clean the time they come back at home ; and the desire is much low that it is at work.

I fall when I get a big stress, with my mother like I said in my post, but I have actually other stress in my life that bothers me a lot.
And this can come suddenly. When I am at work, I can have suddenly a brutal desire. But, I think that come when I am tired or stressed. If I am peaceful, no problem...

I want to stop because "these" things will destruct my life and my marriage : when I was a big big addict, I could see it every day, with the problems, and mainly the sadness ! And Torah and Mitsvos after it have no taste, as the life !
When I fall, I feel many sadness in me. The things with my wife are further different, I feel that a distance with her has appeared (even if she knows nothing).
And I can not let lust rule my life, being a slave of lust !

I talked to a Rav who knowed me well, he said that the solution is to change of work : he known somebody that was in IT, has many problems, and became a plumber, and no problem with internet...
I don't know anyone to speak about these problems, in my town I don't know a Rav that will be ready to handle THESE problems. Because these problems are not easy to handle.

Anyway, this day, I fall 2 times after 15 days clean. And it bothers me a lot because it was my birthday today ! :-/
And I do not know which direction to go after this...

the direction you should go is "up."
it is very difficult and perhaps even impossible for an addict to avoid his choice of drug by himself.
he needs to do it with another.
You have come a long way in your life.
Hashem has good things in store for you. Perhaps join one of the conferences here.
Open up to someone; share your thoughts.

Stick around here and you will get ideas that work for you.

It should be b'hatzlachah.