Hi
I am new here (a few weeks) and GYE has been a real lifesaver for me. I am still working my way through many of the great threads and other material.
I am 30 years old, been in kollel or half day learning for the past 9 years. I have a special wife (who knows NOTHING) and 4 beautiful kids.
My story (in very short): I have been struggling with HZL since as young as I can remember, and porn and phone sex etc from around 16. I had good weeks/months and bad ones - it was something I never discussed with anyone.
About 2 months ago I completed 1 YEAR clean for the first time. It was a great year, shmiras einayim was great, learning was great, sholom bayis and family life was amazing. I was on a high. And then it 'happened' out the blue, nothing specific triggered it. I had a terrible fall 4 weeks ago and to sum up, since then life has just been a living hell. I have lost my cheshek to daven, to learn, to diet to mix with people etc etc. Things I have been working on and have been going well for years have gone out the window. Since I am supposed to be a serious guy, my wife or others wouldn't even dream I have hardly been in Shul this past month, or what sort of material I have been reading/viewing. Of course I am putting on a show for my wife and kids but I don't know how long it can last for. THEY ARE THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM GOING 'FURTHER' BUT I FEEL DISASTER IS AROUND THE CORNER. I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP AND IT'S SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL. I am so broken inside, just got no enjoyment in life anymore.

Yes, I read the GYE book which is amazing but I am not able to pick myself up again.
I have seen very supportive threads on the forums, and what a great team you are, so I ask you guys please help me to get out of this, to get back up there. I can't fight the Yetzer Horah myself anymore that's for sure, and although 4 weks ago I would not have dreamt of writing publicly on this forum, it's my way of showing I REALLY AM DETERMINED TO WIN THIS BATTLE.

WELCOME! You are in the right place. I also had periods of sobriety. Once for over a year, but the nature of addiction is that it is progressive, that is it gets worse over time. B"H there are many that have been in your situation and much worse and have gotten help. You seem ready and willing to do whatever it takes.

Have you reached out to anyone real? A rebbi, a friend, anyone? Opening up to others helped me probably more than anything. I was also in kollel for a few years, well respected, etc. It doesn't matter. The earlier you get help the better. WELCOME, things will get better IY"H!

I find it hard to open up to my Rov, cos if you haven't 'been there and done that' I can't imagine him being understanding or able to help. Besides letting him know the other side of me... So in 1 word no, I not discussed it with anyone. Any ideas where to start?

Any ideas where to start?! Rebbi um'yudoi, you did this for over a year already, please teach me! How did you do it then? What's changed since then?

You did it for an amazing amount of time, I'm sure you can do it again.

(I know that wasn't advice but I just wanted to say it)

Shalom Aleichem!

You have taken the step to introduce yourself now you are waiting for the magic wand. I dont think there will be magic here. You mentioned it is going out of control. Do you feel that you have control? I come to realize when i am in the mud i have no control at all and when i am not in the mud I started realizing I don't have much control either it just slightly easier. I probably see that from your own experience you mentioned- after a full year and poof.

Numro uno - Take a deep breath.
Numro dus - realize you still have the year of sobriety - its not gone
Numro tress - your in a great chevra here - stick around and see your not alone.

And by the way remember to take it one minute at a time.

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.

I commend your dedication to winning the battle, and I hope that you will.

However from what you wrote it sounds like you are truly desperate and out of control.

I can identify with both of those feelings. I tried for years to win the battle. Sometimes I was able to hold myself back for a while, but most of the time I was totally out control, convinced that somehow, one day I will manage it.

I am thankful that today I have discovered that there is a way to live a sober and at the same time sane life. For me that is an impossible equation, but by with HaShem's help through SA I am able to live each day, one day at a time sober and sane.

May HaShem be with you.

Wow, quite a story!!

Almost everyone here will tell you that openeing up did wonders for them. Do you know anyone here on the forum that you can trust, some of them will be more than happy to help you open up!

So take a deep breath, there have been others where you are and have gotten out!

You have made the first step, so keep on going!!

Dr.Watson wrote:


Thanks.
It looks like I need to change the battle plan. Once I started going it was a great feeling to know 1 month free, 2 months free, that itself kept me going. Of course I was real careful to stay away from 'trouble' - I think I thought in a way I was finished with it so I have taken the fall real badly - I am struggling to understand what triggered it again

heuni memass wrote:


This has been one of my issues - I have always looked at it as 'all or nothing' - bad Sunday and bang went the whole week - the YH is a real pro... I am trying to focus on minute to minute

I will win the battle wrote:

I couldn't disagree more. I assume my Rov does not have this problem, yet he was very understanding, he gets called about this problem all the time. He helped both me and my wife deal with the issue.

As far as letting him know the other side of you. Yes, when my wife and I spoke to our Rav, it was embarrasing for a time, but he reiterated to me over and over again how much respect he has for me, both to me individually and to my wife. He said he respects me in general, and even more for struggling in this problem.

I'm not saying that all the rabbonim are the same, but if you have a good rav, it will not be a problem. He has heard your story 100 times.

gibbor120 wrote:

even if you hold back for a year? (I am just trying to understand it)

I will win the battle wrote:

Yes, even if you hold back for a year. You tell us. After a year of sobriety, you started falling again. Did you feel when you came back to the old shmutz like you were "starting from the beginning" like when you were a kid and just started to "experiment" with this stuff? More likely, you knew exactly what you were going back to, and "picked up where you left off." That is not to say that your year of sobriety is worthless, you did get valuable experience exercising your "self-control muscles", or whatever you want to call it, but l'maisah, you still have to climb out of the same mud that you climbed out of a year ago.

I will win the battle wrote:

Don't bother to understand it too much. It can be confusing at best, and downright irrational at worst. Just STAY CLEAN TODAY, that's what really counts.

Hatzlacha!

tryingtoshteig wrote:


Ye your right, I am still trying to get into that frame of mind. I think my 'gemara kop' is used to analyzing/understanding.......

Today was a good day, felt better and managed to get things done at work - still a way to go...ok ok day by day.....

Hi Willy,
welcome to Noahs Ark.
you have to leave the thinking on the side sometimes....
I was clean for like 2.5 years when i was a bucher until i got sucked in again... it has been a roller coaster since then, but over the last while there has been a slow upwards trend....

Come clean with your rov...
I have zero charata (hy actual rov has a general idea of the struggle, but I have a chavrusa/mentor who know most of my garbage as well as a couple of GYE guys who i speak to in real life about this stuff.