Hi everyone!
I have been getting the chizuk emails for a while now and I am finally bringing myself to start posting, and getting involved on the forum. I am FFB, raised in a orthodox home, went to regular yeshivas and kollel. I work for a frum organization. I have been successful in learning, family (3 beautiful kids bli eyin horah and one on the way) and at work. I would think that I am crazy, if not for the many others who are in a similar position as I am , as still struggling. It is hard to recognize that I have such a challenge, as with Hashem's help,

My goal is to be a true Ben Torah, who thinks of what Hashem wants from me, and not what I want (or can get away with as a minimum) from Hashem.

I have installed filters for years on my computer, and recently installed accountability software, but my tech knowledge limits their effectiveness, as each option has a loophole around it. I have come to realize that I need to open myself up, even though it hurts a little, and ask for help, which is something that I am not used to doing.

My history is not that different from many others, found what was available on the internet at age 12, and struggled on and off every since. I have had clean streaks, mostly when I was away in Yeshiva, but the struggle was every time I came home. I assumed, as many did and still do, that marriage would fix this problem, but as you can guess it did not. My wife caught me once, and I absolved to never fall again. Well, never was about a week or two. I am still struggling. I find that I can easily go a week and sometimes two, but invariably fall after that point.

My, Baruch Hashem, busy life makes it difficult to slip and fall, but also I don't often have "free time" on the computer when no one is around to post and browse the forum. I am trying to make time before davening, as that has always been the safest time for me, to try to get started here and see what I can become.

I am open for suggestions, as I am beginning to realize I can not overcome this battle alone.

Thanks for reading!

First of all welcome to the forum and congratulations on taking such a big step toward recovery.

The first thing you really need in order to stop is simply the will and commitment to stop.That means that the struggle really doesn't have to do with the filters and software on the computer, it has to do with you deciding to stop.

That's not to say that filters aren't important.They are, but as gedarim not as the whole struggle.They aren't going to solve any problem because sooner or later chances are that we get access to an unfiltered internet.(I know that you already realized this but chazara doens't hurt)

So the first thing to do is just to say that I'm committed to stopping this behavior because I don't want to do this to myself, my wife and kids and [fill in any other reasons].This doesn't mean that you're not going to fall again, or if you fall that you didn't do it right.It just means that from now on you're willing to give up ever doing it again for the rest of your life.IT's a big realization, it means that you're giving up your "right" to lust and masturbate even though the whole world is doing it.

Anyway, keep on posting and keep us updated.
Hatzlacha!

well, welcome to the group
it is a good decision
there is a lot to be gained here, especially in the way we think about the problems and issues

what is it that triggers you? what have you done in the past to stop or prevent it? and more importantly, why do you want to stop? what is the number one reason right now? what did you r wife catch you doing? how did she react? generally, the rule here is that if she knows, she really knows. it could be an advantage that she has knowledge already.

perhaps I am asking too many questions. others will ask similarly. the main thing is to be upfront, and you will gain a lot, but more importantly, you must take some type of action to change. what action? there are many listed above. the 12 steps is one. phone conferences. speaking to someone live is very beneficial.

I am rambling, but welcome aboard!

Hi BenTorahToday and forevermore!
you made one small step forward, but its actually a giant leap
knowing that you are in the same boat with others like you helps
I too recently changed my filter (for the third time...)
but posting on GYE has really been beneficial for me
I slipped once since signing on, but when I had to switch filters and had open internet access for a full day, I b"h did not
I wish you and all the cherished and treasured jews struggling - hatzlacha!

Hi BTT! Welcome aboard! Your story is not unusual at all. Have you read the GYE handbook? It has lots of great ideas. Keep posting and opening up. Try the tools in the handbook and see what works for you.

Thanks everyone for the replies, it is very encouraging. I have read the handbook a while ago and probably should do so again. I have thought that I was committed to stopping, but I am still here and not there yet. I think posting will help me also.

I don't think I have a set trigger. Sometimes it is stress, sometimes boredom, sometimes something I see. My wife knows, but she thinks (or at least wants to believe and gives me this impression) that I am doing better than I know that I am. It is for her sake, the sake of my children, and the sake of my G-d given Soul, that I want to stop. I think I need a better way of staying focused on this, as there are times that I have overcome different urges.

I do agree with what was said earlier that to REALLY give it up is the step to take. Guys, with your help I am going to do this!

Have a great night all!

I just had an unreal experience. I was busy at work late tonight when no one is around, and in the past it would have been a challenging time. I have been working on myself to feel that the wrong ideas are just not an option anymore, and that I have to start posting on this site more. Well, as I was replying to your topic, I lost control of my mouse. I suddenly realized that my IT must also be here late and had some updates to do on my computer! I work in a frum environment and my IT guy knows a little about my challenge and just put Covenent Eyes on my machine to help me stay clean. I am so glad that I got "caught" on this site instead of elsewhere! I really feel that Hashem is helping me move in the right direction!