Shalom,

I'm a big fan of GYE. I've been in 12 step recovery for some time with not tremendous amount of success. I have a question I am very interested in because one of my great defects of character has been guilt and shame. I grew up secular and it seemed the morality around me was if one commits infidelity in ones relationship the "right" thing to do is to fess up to everything. This does not seem to be an effective way to maintain a relationship and it was suggested to me that Torah sees things differently- for the sake of peace one is allowed to lie. What is the limit of this? What are the boundaries when one is unfaithful in a relationship and commits adultery/infidelity but would like to maintain and improve the relationship? Thanks for your times.

Welcome Paysach! It's nice to have you aboard. I'm no authority on Torah or 12 step recovery. You may need to speak with a Rav. Does your wife know that you attend 12 step meetings? Does she know the extent of your addiction?

As far as telling a wife about a porn addiction, the advice I have heard is that IF one is going to tell, he first needs a certain amount of sobriety. Even so, he may need a rav or therapist to help ease the blow and help both parties to deal with it in a healthy way.

If there was infidelity with another woman (not just porn), that is a much more delicate situation (to put it mildly) and you should certainly get council from someone knowledgeable in this area.

I hope this helps.

Hatzlacha on your recovery!

welcome

actual cheating, or something else?

b'hatzlachah