Thanks for the suggestion.
I am sure that would be helpful, I am just not ready to do that now. I am hoping I can stop just by using the website without taking that drastic step.

committedjew613


Ready, set, GO!

You are in the right place to open up, and not have to worry about ruining any reputations.

I just want to point out that when we open up it is not only inorder for others to be able to give advice, it is (or at least was by me) an eye opener for ourselves to actually be honest with ourselves as to where we are holding in life, and realize that that is not where we want to be. once that realization is made, and accepted, it is possible for us to make the commitment to take the necessary and suucessful steps to becoming sane.

Open up, Lech L'cha, means both go to yourself, and for yourself. it is well worth the effort.

We're all with you

Hi CJ and welcome to the club!

Women get married to a man they admire and come to love, and hope to bond with them further in the bedroom. Innocent, Bais Yaakov type girls may be a little nervous about the bedroom, but look forward to the closeness. But when that husband is steeped in pornography, lusting after women on the mass transit, and masturbating, that closeness is simply not there. No matter how great a lover he might be. Because for the woman, the bedroom isn't about physical pleasure, it's about emotional and spiritual bonding. Yes, they enjoy the physicality, but that's not the main event for them. The connection is. And your wife is feeling none of that. Because you have hundreds of other women in your life.

Read that a few times. Because for a lust addict, it's very foreign. Another planet, really.

I'm not stam being hard on you. I am speaking from bitter experience -- my own and of many who post on this forum and in the Baalei Battim's section.

The first thing to understand is that you are addicted to arousal, not masturbation. Masturbation is just the end result, the release valve.

To get sober, you need to cut off all forms of arousal. But first you need to be ready, and really willing to give up lust itself.

Can you say that?

Thanks to everyone who responded. It feels so good to know that there are so many people out there who care and are so willing to help. Your responses have been really helpful in giving me the strength to tackle this problem once and for all.

By the way, I was at a public sports event today, and I didn't look at any of the women. It was so hard (maybe I took one or two second looks by accident, but that was it). I felt sort of nauseous from holding back, but Baruch Hashem, Hashem helped me to hold back. I am proud of myself. I know it will get harder, but I hope I can keep it up.
Day 1 of being clean almost completed!

good for you! chazak ve'ematz

Keep on trucking and keep up the good work!

committedjew613 wrote:

B"H!

It should actually get easier over time, not harder. Not because we get stronger, we don't. (if you need proof of that, just look at my avatar. He's been lifting for over 2 years, and see how skinny his arms are still? ) It's because we learn to stay far from any form of lust and call a friend when we feel weak.

The chizzuk email today had a piece about it. See it here guardyoureyes.com/the-12-steps/item/i-m-only-something-if-i-am-nothing?category_id=33 . You might want to sign up for the chizzuk emails if you haven't already.

I wouldn't recommend going to sporting events as much as you can avoid it. Shopping malls are also places to avoid.

There are also emotional triggers, like feeling lonely or depressed. Those are also dangerous, maybe more so. I learned on a 12 step phone conference that humility and bitachon are ways to deal with that in a healthy way. To let go of my own ego.

It's a process that never ends, but the rewards are endless as well.

Hatzlacha on your journey. We are all here with you!

Good to hear you're doing this!!
Yes, giving up lust is murder in the beginning. Maybe literally. You're starving this Y"H to (near) death, which is the only way to deal successfully with it.

Continued hatzlocha.

And remember, take it one day at a time. The only day you ever have to think about getting through is today.

wow keep it on, we are all with you, and hashem over us from above and waiting to get us back to him his hands are wide open we just need to do hishtadlus

its actually one moment at a time
if I would think of entire day, it would not work at times

several hours ago, after a mini-crisis, and in midst of depressed matzav, I began replying to my 'woman friend' thru email. before hitting 'send,' I decided against it, and it was left there...unsent.

it was thinking of the moment, and thankfully, there, I made the correct decision.

hatzlachah vayter.

Yes.

One right decision at a time^TM

AlexEliezer wrote:


@AlexEliezer

I just wanted to say thank you.

this line was a new level of clarity for me


Yesterday was a hard day for me and this really helped me get through the day.

I am not addicted to anything except for arousal and I'm only using it as a cheap dangerous substitute for genuine love.

I suddenly have a new appreciation for the relationship I have with my wife and a new appreciation for the work I need to do to make it better.

Major, Big-Time, Monstrosity-Style

THANK YOU

Eli

I have not been following the entire thread so well, but the line you just highlighted resonates with me as well.
I assume, as well, that it is arousal that I am/was/ trying to get rid of addicted to, not the masturbation itself.
The mindset should make a difference.

Thanks

Yes, that was a big moment for me as well, when I realized that I was addicted to lusting. I thought my problem was that I was doing devarim assurim. The difference is that arousal or lust for my wife was "technically" muttar, so it's ok - right? Nope, not for me anyway. Realizing that my problem was lust in any form was a real game changer for me!