Hello everyone. I am so glad I found this website and am hoping you could help me.

I am a married father of one. My struggle began in the 8th grade when I was introduced to the dirt by some friend. Since high school, besides for a few periods of abstention, I have acted out almost every single day. I feel like I have no control over it. In the beginning I really believed myself when I said this would be the last time. But obviously I did not understand the nature of my addiction.

The first time I acted out after I got married, I felt horrible, so low and so depressed. But it's become sort of a norm now. Once a day usually satisfies me, but I feel empty without acting out at least once a day.

Although I take full responsibility for my problem, one issue that makes things more difficult for me is that my wife does not enjoy intimacy. I feel like we've sort of become somewhat emotionally detached because of this. About once or twice a month my wife will be intimate with me, I feel "as a favor," although she never enjoys it. I know this is not the cause for my problem but it makes it more difficult. Does anybody have any advice for me?

I have become so frustrated and enraged with myself. I just want to rid myself of this horrible addiction once and for all.

THANKS SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO READ THIS

Welcome to the club committedjew613,

My name is Eli (real name).

THERE'S HOPE!

Your story is not uncommon. There have been many people in situations similar to your yours (and worse!) that have gotten help. You are not alone.

I am sure that as you get a handle on this problem you will see an improvement in your intimacy issues. You wife may not know that you are having sex with yourself everyday but she senses it

Let's start this conversation:

Why exactly do you want to stop? What have you done in the past to try to get yourself to stop masturbating (other than saying this time is the last)?

Welcome!!

Your story sounds extremely similar to mine, 8th grade, 1 child.

There is hope, that is with one ingredient......COMMITMENT!!

As Eli asked, what do you want to stop, and what are you ready to do to stop?

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

I want to stop for so many reasons. First and foremost because it is a terrible aveirah, and makes me feel like everything else I do is worthless. I also feel terribly guilty because my wife is such a devoted wife and takes care of everything in the house, while I am essentially "cheating on her."

In the past, I have put accountability software on my computer (which worked to prevent me from accessing pornography on my computer), but my iPhone is my biggest problem. I need it for work (or at least it is really useful for me). I have tried to block safari and use the K9 browser, but it was slow and unstable, so I unblocked it (I often have to google things very quickly). I have blocked "installing apps" but then unblocked it when I wanted to download a clean app. I guess my taiva is too strong and I negligently left it unblocked.

The iPhone is so convenient for me but makes it so so easy to access everything I want. Almost an impossible nisayon. I know people will say to take the big step and get rid of it, but I am hoping I can somehow get rid of it and still keep my iphone. I feel like if the choice was to lose the iphone I would just give up acting out, but no one is forcing me to give up my iphone so the aveirah continues.

Also I am curious about my level of addiction. I will sometimes take the train to work instead of driving just to look at the women in the train. In the station I will look for pretty women and get onto the same train car as them and stand next to them or in a place where I can stare at them.

I feel like such a creep when I do this. Is this a more advanced level than most people with this tayva?

Thanks.

Just my two cents,

Someone asked Rabbi Dr. A.J. Twerski that exact question when he was a guest on Duvid Chaim's call (recorded here), He answered that he doesn't think that it makes any difference, but an addict is considered someone who has tried to stop an action multiple times and was not successful.

WELCOME CJ613! Your story is not uncommon at all. You are certanly not alone. We are all in the same boat.

As far as intimacy with your wife, reallygettingthere hit it squarely on the head. I have seen many people come here with the same issue. Once they are "clean" for a period of time, intimacy becomes much better. It just does. I am willing to bet that you write that yourself in the (not too distant) future.

Have you read the handbook? What are you doing to try and stay clean? Who knows about your problem?

I have never discussed this issue with anyone. This is the first time I have ever written anything about it. I am too ashamed.

I have read the handbook in the past and it helped me for a little while. But then I relapsed.

Also, when I had accountability software on my computer I did not want to go on this website so my wife shouldn't find out. Now that I deleted my accountability software due to it causing a problem with my internet, ironically I hope to visit this site more.

We are all in the same boat here. We've been where you are in the shmutz and we've been embarrassed to talk about it, too.

This is a community of people who get each other and are reaching out with help and support. There's no need to be embarrassed here.

Welcome!

When we are addicted we fool (read: lie) ourselves by blaming anything but ourselves for our problems. We blame the filter, we blame our wives, we blame our upbringing we even blame Hashem.

The reality is that we need to recognize that the core of the problem is ourselves. We are masturbating and drooling over pornography or whatever the heck gets us our fix because we are broken, not bad, broken. We are ill (some more and some less).

I'm not saying that you don't need filters (Chas v'shalom) and I'm not saying that a fulfilling intimate life isn't important. I am saying though that if you don't address the CORE, you will never be successful at this battle because.

Why do you masturbate everyday? is there something that triggers you daily? Is it a routine that you need to get out of? Do you have some sort of emotional pain that you can easily cover up when you are in your fantasy world?

Open up brother.

Eli

This forum is a great first step to opening up. Many here have found that simply opening up and telling the truth about ourselves has been the key to recovery. There are many people here that you can PM or call. There are phone groups etc. It is very difficult at first, but it gets easier and it is VERY POWERFUL.

Click the dov quotes link in my signature and read the first post about Captain Kirk. The rest are good too .

I don't think I do it because of any emotional void or anything like that, although when I am down it's definitely something I do.

I do it simply because it feels so good. I used to feel so terrible after every act, but now it's just a part of my life, unfortunately (although I still do feel frustrated every time).

Obviously it feels good. If it didn't feel good, we wouldn't do it.

But it is also self-destructive.

It numbs our feelings. Good feelings and bad feelings.

At first when we do it, when we really know it's wrong, we feel bad about it, but as we continue to get so self absorbed in it, those feelings also get numbed.

We isolate ourselves, preferring to be alone with the shmutz than interacting with the real world.

Now is the time to come out of isolation with people who know exactly the nature of the issue because they've been there.

That's why I'm here. I'm ready to open up (first on an anonymous forum), and hopefully be helped.

Hi CJ613, welcome to GYE!
committedjew613 wrote:

Just a suggestion- maybe try discussing it with someone whom you trust? A Rav, a rebbi, someone who you know won't look down on you, and will help you? I know it's not easy, but if you do it it will really help.
Think about- let us know.
Hatzlacha!