Welcome back!!!

what are you ready to do to recover?

Hi George,

Thank you for sharing.

GYE is a wonderful place for people struggling with lust issues. For me it was where I discovered that lust can be an addiction and I am eternally grateful to Yaakov - the Guard who has the tremendous zechus of being the Divine shliach in setting up this site.

After being involved (I think) nearly two years with GYE, I came to terms with the fact that I was never going to "beat this thing" and i started going to SA meetings.

Although in SA it is understood that the particular form of acting - out is only a symptom, and therefore in theory it may be possible that even someone who acts out in the way you describe may not be addicted and might be able to stop these behaviors with willpower, it is highly unlikely that that is the case.

Following are twenty questions from the introduction to the White Book. i suggest that you answer them and see what is your "score". If most of them are yes, I would suggest you get yourself to the nearest SA meeting.

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
_ 2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep "giving in"?
_ 3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
_ 4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
_ 5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
_ 6. Do you feel guilt, remorse, afterward?
_ 7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
_ 8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
_ 9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
_ 10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
_ 11. Do you keep going from one relationship or lover to another?
_ 12. Do you feel the right relationship would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
_ 13. Do you have a destructive need-a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
_ 14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for your self or the welfare of your family or others?
_ 15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
_ 16. Do you lose time from work for it?
_ 17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
_18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
_19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
_ 20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

May HaShem guide you and show you His will.

To those who have replied:

Sparky - Thank you.

Ploni - What worked for the first 45 days was that I realised I was having problems, and I did positive things when I had the urge to look at porn. I read, or listened to music etc.

But I had an emotional upheaval when I became involved in a relationship with a woman which finished quickly. It made me feel sexually frustrated and have low self esteem.

Think Good - Thank you for recommending the email. I would find ways to work round a filter! I could easily drive to an internet cafe. A filter is not the answer for me, nor is avoiding a computer, I use one for work and am often alone, or I would just go to a sex club instead.


Pidaini - Thank you. I will pray to recover, and try not to get tired. When I am tired I am vulnerable.

Chesky - I answered "YES" to many of those 20 questions. I need to seek professional help.

Why did you not focus on other things when you had the urge to get into a relationship with a woman then? You considered this relationship a good thing?

Chesky - I answered "YES" to many of those 20 questions. I need to seek professional help.
or\and sa meetings

I liked the woman, was attracted to her and wanted to be happy.

But she had emotional problems and the relationship soured quickly.

It is not always easy to focus on other things if one is attracted to a woman, especially if like me, you are single.

But you are right. I must think it through properly before entering to a relationship, and take it slowly....the idea of dating is to find out if a woman is suitable for you (and vice versa), not merely to try and win her affections.

I wonder if you are going out with women to see if they will love you back, and if they do, to you that's proof that you are a good guy. Does that sound right?

This sounds like more than just a little problem with lust.
It sounds like your life needs an overhaul.
You need real happiness in your life. Real connection with real people.

Quitting lusting without filling the gap with healthy pleasures isn't a long term plan.

That's what recovery is about.

I would encourage you to consider joining a live SA group.

George999 wrote:


You reminded me of something. When I was actively porning, if I came across a pic of a Jewish woman (identified by her name or jewelry), I would take in her image, but I wouldn't masturbate or fantasize about her. I felt that would be wrong. I didn't want her responsible for my aveirah. Perverts' code of honor.

But you're right. There's no end to the search for ever more different, more forbidden, more taboo, or just more weird stuff to get high on.

Hatzlocha in your search for real happiness.

alex

Welcome aboard! Chesky's list is mesmorizing-How about a similar list for married men?
I would certainly include these elements in that list for married men:

"1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
_ 2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep "giving in"?
_ 3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
_ 4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
_ 5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
_ 6. Do you feel guilt, remorse, afterward?
_ 7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
_ 8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
_ 9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex
_ 13. Do you have a destructive need-a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
_ 14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for your self or the welfare of your family or others?
_ 15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
_ 16. Do you lose time from work for it?
_ 17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?

The list is not my own. It is from the introduction to the White Book.

It can be found here: sa.org/test.php

May HaShem grant us a sober and sane day.

Hi George, I feel for you and I'll daven for you. I don't have much to add except that in SA they say to be very mindful of 'HALT'. If you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired you're at risk. If you've got 2 of these, be careful. If you've got 3, you're in an emergency, call someone for help.

Behatzlocho

Realizing that you need a therapist to confront and deal with an issue that threatens to take over all control and priorities is step#1. Once you see the right therapist, then develope strategies to avoid putting yourself at risk. Take it from one who realized that masturbation , reading and watching porn was a never ending addiction-you have to take control of it before it takes control of you.

Firstly to say that this short article really makes sense to me and is related to explaining my porn addiction.
It is by Rabbi Yitzhak Ginsberg, and talks abut how the Yetzer HaRa affects us.

shiratdevorah.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/curing-dissociative-or-split.html


Thanks again for all the advice.
I have been free for a day, so aiming to make that work forever.

Ploni - I am not suffering from low self esteem, but I do get lonely and want more out of life.

Alex - Yes, I do want more social life and more out of life. Real happiness.

And I too have not looked at porn labelled "Jewish", also my "Pervert Code of Honour!".


SIB - I am single, but thank you. I do have a therapist, but cannot afford to see them too often.


Chesky - Thank you.


Dr. Watson - HALT sounds so true. I must be aware of it.

One day is a good start, and it is an awesome goal as well. Just one day at a time. Just today.

KOT Brother just KOT!!