I have been addicted to internet porn and masturbation for many years.
I mainly do it when I am feeling depressed or tired.
It has progressed to meeting with strangers for sex, even on Shabbos.

I hate myself afterwards, but before it, I get an adrenalin rush, and am hardly ever able to stop it.
I also think it is triggered by a deep inner loneliness and sadness that I carry with me.
I try to find something to get rid of my inner pain, so I seek the "high" of orgasm.

I quit for about eight months, that was the longest break.
I filled my time with creative endeavours and an honest search for a wife, as I am single.
Sadly I did not manage to find a Shidduch and I fell again, even further.
It makes me hate myself and feel I will be punished by never finding a wife.

Afterwards I am staggered at what I did.
It is like another person took over my brain at the time I sinned.

I am here out of desperation to do Teshuvah, and get rid of the addiction that is ruining my life.

Welcome.

You've come to the right place.

Try going on the GYE program tab on the top of the page, it has a lot of useful tools.

I'm not really the most qualified to help you but there are plenty of people here who are.

About not finding a shidduch, don't worry about it.1)we don't know hashems cheshbonos 2)even if that is his cheshbon then teshuva always helps.


Hatzlacha, and don't worry you're gonna do it.

Welcome.

What you have described is quite a typical description of an addict.

I too have been where you are. Many times over.

The only thing that works for me is working a 12 step program.

I hope and pray that you find a recovery solution that you SO long for...

Welcome G1000 (I rounded up )

If you think about it, it's not the rush of the orgasm that we're addicted to, it's the arousal and all the excitement that leads up to it.

Anyway, lead the best life you can live and real love will find you.
If you're lonely, make friends (with other men) and spend some time with them.
Set up a learning partner.
Exercise and eat healthy.
Plant a garden.
Get enough sleep.
If you're working, do something to forward your career.

Make real life sweeter than escape.

Hi and welcome!

A very important thing to realize is that there will always be things that are not as we want it to be.

We need to remember that everything that happens, though, is hashgacha protis (Hashem's will) and it's all for our benefit. If we're in a situation, we're in it so we can grow.

We think we know what is best, but Hashem knows what's best. We only have a piece of the jigsaw puzzle, Hashem sees the whole picture and is orchestrating things to go in the best possible way for you.

Be the best single you can be until you find your kallah, b'ezras Hashem in the right time!

Hatzlacha!

Welcome George999! You are in the right place. The honesty in your post is so beautiful.. and very necessary for recovery. Recovery is where we get honest with ourselves by sharing with others.

There is a lot to learn here. There are many tools and much chizzuk. Many have been in your situation and are B"H living sober today. You can too.

Stick around and keep posting!

Thank you for all your good wishes.
I have to look at the 12 Step Program.
I hope bli neder to update you on how I get on.
Shabbat Shalom

I want to add a link to this article elsewhere on the Forum

It explains my problem very closely.

What it does not do is explain how to

1.) Stop looking at porn.

2.) Solve the emotional issues behind my addiction.

guardyoureyes.com/the-12-steps/item/psychological-factors-in-sexual-acting-out

The way to stop looking at porn is to set up many fences.
Practice shmiras eynayim in all settings.
Don't allow yourself to be alone with a computer. If you can help it, don't even go into the room. Stay away from the magazine rack and don't look at the pics on the covers of the magazines at the checkout counter.

When we understand that we are powerless over something, we realize the only way to beat it is to avoid it.

Someone else will have to help you with the second question. But I don't think the goal is to solve anything. Just to recognize where our negative emotions come from, be they stress, boredom, resentment, anger -- see the link between these emotions and our acting out, and learning more effective ways of dealing with them.

George999 wrote:


Yes, it is a very good article. You have hit the nail on the head. There are 2 issues.

1) Set up gedarim. That includes filters, monitoring software, staying away from the computer in general, don't walk in certain places, at certain times of day etc. for each person it is different.

2) address emotional issues. Talk to a friend, rebbi, psycologist, get on a 12 step phone call, attend a 12 step group. This is also different for each person.

You need to start trying various tools and see which ones bring you success. This forum is a great place to get ideas and advice. You will find your path. Make a committment to staying sober and doing whatever it takes. IY"H you will succeed!

Thank you AlexEliezer and Gibbor

Hi.
I was OK for about 45 - 50 days.
I think this site helped.
I then thought that I had won the battle for ever.
I went through some emotional upheaval in Tammuz and slipped back, looked at porn, met strangers for sex.
I am now truly in the depths of the pit.
I have fantasies about Muslim women, and am looking at Muslim porn.
How much lower can I go?
This is crazy, I know the Yetzer Ha Ra is strong but it is truly evil and bizarre.
Please pray for me, I need the strength to climb out of this pit.

welcome. you are good because you want to change and G-d willing with time you will change.

What did you do that worked?

What was the emotional upheaval?

just get up and start again, what every you did up to now was a good start, but only a start. Have you read today's email "Chet Ha'egel: The Test Was Getting Back Up!"

Were were you for the last 45-50 days

Why have you not installed a filter?