I have been battling against this struggle for the last 9 years. I began looking at forbidden images and acting out when I was around 14/15, unfortunately for me I didn’t know this was an aveira and just told myself it was natural. So for the next year or so I continued to act out every week or so. At 16 one of my Rabbonim spoke to our shir about this aveira and the challenges that come with it. I was shocked, scared and afraid to hear his words. So begun the beginning of my struggle to overcome this greatest weapon of the yetzer hara. For the last 2 years of high school I would go weeks clean, but then fall again, then feel terrible about myself and the cycle would repeat again and again. When I left for Yeshiva I told myself this was it, I had to stop… and so over the course of 2 years in Eretz Yisrael I overcame (or so I thought at the time) this struggle. I left yeshiva on the back of 7/8 months of freedom from acting out. I left determined to continue to strive and grow in all matters of my avodas Hashem. Heart breakingly, 8 months or so after coming back from yeshiva I fell. The sadness I felt was incredible. I was so sure that feeling alone would be enough to keep me clean. However, a year or so on from that point here I am still struggling, still desperate to break free. I don’t know what to think, for me, I will go a few days/weeks clean but then be overcome by a tremendous desire to just act out one more time. And that is that, for 15 minutes in the day I give in to my yetzer hara then spend the rest of the day hating myself questioning myself why I have given in and will this ever end. I have been reading the GYE chizuk emails and have been inspired by some of the stories, I have decided to share the a brief outline of my story in the hope that sending out to GYE members will encourage and strengthen me to next time be strong enough to pull through and get back to being clean. I know I can do it, and I feel that it is there within my grasp and reach, so with Hashem’s infinite chessed and rachamim I send this post in the hope that this is the start of a new happy beginning.

welcome aboard!!

Your story sounds extremely familiar, like all the rest of ours. The question is, what is your plan to stop?

If you have one, why not share it?

If not, and it is because you don't know what to do, i would suggest you start by reading the Handbook, it will give you tools and attitudes will need to get past this.

Also, realizing your triggers is a big help, cause you can try to avoid them.

Whatever the case, Keep On Trucking (KOT)!!!!!!
we're all rooting for you!!

Welcome HST! Nice to have you with us. Stick around and keep posting about your progress.

Thank you to you both for your warm welcome.

Pidaini, I read your message this morning, it was a weird feeling reading your post. I have never discussed this issue with anyone and so after finally having a conversation albeit it a non speaking one, one which I don't know you or you me and a conversation that comprised of all of two emails... I suddenly felt a massive weight off my shoulders. For the rest of the day until now, I have felt a new found strength to tackle this struggle. At points I instinctivley began to lower my hand and begin the process of acting out, but I stopped myself and felt that I owed it to you to fight this time and just keep going. It worked!! I got on with my day and went into mincha feeling great, excited to carry on feeling great for today. I cannot explain why I felt I owed it to you, but I wish to thank you for helping me today. IY"H the rest of the day and onwards shall follow.

In terms of my plan to stop, you are correct I dont have a specific one. I have however taken up your advice to read the Handbook and I will think carefully which tools will help me develop a plan to keep winning one day at a time.

Thank you. Keep going all of us.

The handbook is beyond excellence. It has helped me tremendously and has given me powerful ideas and renewed strength to keep battling. Remember that you're not alone in this one. Posting is also a strong element in this battle. So glad to hear how you held back after reading pidaini's post...that's what we're here for. Keep up the good work and have an awesome shavuous! Looking forward to hearing from you again soon!

Welcome and thanks for joining us.
Whatever plan you decide on, be sure it includes Hashem.
Bringing Hashem into this struggle is key.
Many believe this is the one thing they have to do "on their own."
Other way around!
This is the one thing we have no hope for unless we bring Hashem into the struggle with us. We ask Him to give us sobriety for today. At the end of the night we thank Him for another 24 hours of sobriety and plead with him to take our lust for another day.
As soon as a thought of lust enters my mind, including the thought that I want to do something ossur, I surrender that taiva to Hashem, asking Him to take it from me.
Stick around. Post chizuk on other's threads. It's never too early to start helping others.

Hatzlocha!
Alex