Ok,so this is my first time posting here so i'm a bit unsure of how or what to write exactly but I'll give it a shot because i feel i need to.Wow.where to begin...I guess I'll start off by saying that my main struggle is with SSA and the deep emotional pain that comes along with that.Things started in the beginning of High School after a boy in my grade began subtly to send messages to me that he was interested in me.Without going into detail one thing led to another until after a few months we were on the verge of doing a real sexual act.At that point i confessed to my mentors and things were put under control and surveillence.Of course this is just snippets of a time in my life where i was on a true and lengthy emotional roller coaster. After that SSA became my life.A few years later a similar incident happened and both porn and masturbation have been parts of my life since then.This all has led to depression,hopelessness and most strongly loneliness.I'm so lonely and i cant even build close relationships with the guys i could use as friends because of the fact that i start having feelings for them.Its a mess.Ive seen phscologists and phsyciatrists and read up on the issues at hand but nothing seems to be filling that void.I dont know about anything anymore and i cant envision a life like this where there is little to nothing to look forward to on a daily basis.Even trying to wrap my mind around living a life without filling this void seems impossible and depressing.I'm definitely more physically attracted to men than women and i've never had any real emotional relationships with women yet,as i've grown up in a community where such relationships are reserved for marrigage.does anybody get this? I need real support not just empty words from people who dont understand what i'm feeling.help if you can because right now i'm on the edge.

Welcome and thanks for sharing.

I identify with so much, especailly with the pain that comes from that huge gaping void, and also with the loneliness that comes from living a secret life.

I can only share what works for me.

I go to face to face 12 step meetings. One of the benefits of sharing openly and honestly with others is that it has helped me break out of isolation.

And working the 12 step program is the only thing that i have found that can fill that void.

I wish you much hatslocho

Moish

Welcome RA! Although I can't identify with the SSA portion of your post, other parts apply to us all equally. There are many people here struggling with SSA and hopefully they will chime in to welcome you soon as well. There is hope. Many people have been in your position and have been helped.

Hi RiseAbove and welcome! I definitely do identify with your story as it is very similar to my own. I also am strongly SSA and have been so since my early teens. I never actually did anything with anyone but it has always been my primary attraction and i was hopelessly addicted to fantasy and m**** and eventually to p*** as well. I am married with kids and until 2 years ago i hid my secret and lived a "normal" life on the outside while inside i was a hollow shell. Then I just couldn't take it anymore and i told my wife. B"H she took it well and just a few days later Hashem led me here and i finally found that I was not alone. I found here the most amazing and accepting group of people and for the first time in my life i felt like i belonged.

I still struggle with it but it is slowly becoming easier and i feel more of a sense of being integrated with the community and not like an outside spectator.

The loneliness and lack of friendship is such a big part of this. I had had a lonely youth i was so shy and non-social i couldn't make friends, and even now i have the hardest time with that. I still feel inside much younger than i really am, and I have a hard time relating to guys my own age. And i find myself drawn to make friends with younger guys but that's where my attractions lie and i can't afford it.

I did eventually get married and it has worked out pretty well, even if sometimes it feels like a fake life. i have learned that i must accept that fulfillment comes from living the life that Hashem wants me to and not where my desires draw me. It's not always easy but with the support of my friends here and a couple of trusted rebbeim I have opened up to recently i am progressing.

If you would like to see my whole story my thread is here: http://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Stick around, read, share, give and get Chizuk. You are not alone!

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to.

Gevura!