Here's my story as i put when I signed up.] " Im in my high twenties married with children k" I'm married a few years I struggle with porn. I was diagnosed with depression and I'm on medication for it.recently. I've struggled with Masturbation since my teens I've been looking and wondering since childhood. I come from a very good and torahdik home. I Used sneak peeks at my sisters. I also had a "I'll show u mine if u show me yours type of thing" with a good friend of mine a boy my age that I grow up with. And at times all of us together myself, him, my sister and his sister ( about the same age as my sister) but that was more of a childish u show me I'll show type of thing. But with this friend there we're times we did things together far more then that I'm not sure exactly when bit I remember around puberty (7th and 8th grade) then I think it stopped a while and I remember again it starting in 11th and 12th grade Obviously not so childish anymore more of a masterbation (please excuses my language but I'd like to speak freely) "getting each other off type of thing" which included oral, and tried other stuff. I manger to get a hold of porn magazines and at times we sheared them. I don't think I'm gay or even bi-sexual I just think that's what was available at time ( maybe its a good thing but I never had a "hav hameina" to get involved with a girl it bechlal wasn't on my radar ). Since 12th grade nothing ever happened with any1 else sexually until I got married. But with "myself" was a totally different story masterbation was a Constant and porn off and on. First magazines then Internet porn. I also always watched movies not porn but I often looked for R or unrated so I could see something. That's been going on since I'm like in high school i was renting DVD and sneaking them into my basement. I always struggled in yeshiva even though I'm bright and smart I had learning difficulties Though I was only Diagnosed with depression recently I most properly suffered from it at some degree for years . I see a frum therapist once a week and have alluded to some of this but i don't think I'm ready to talk to him about all of this. I had 2 rabaim I spoke to about most of this one in ninth grade and one in Eretz Yisroel And as a bucher in shiduchim with a therapist. I'm struggling with Internet porn and masterbation. " please help me get started on the forum To get my story out there and the personal chizick. I so desperately need. Thanx this site is major as " regular " yeshiva guy ( though I'm working now) there's no where to turn And our yeshivas never really delt with sex,and sexuality Please also help me modify my post to be appropriate for. Your "haliga" cite.

You're in good company!!
Have you read the GYE Handbook? It's a great place to start. It will give you tools and a feeling of where you're holding in the addiction.

Hatzlacha Rabbah

Welcome on board.

Thanks for sharing your story.

There is alot of help available, if you're prepared to work it.

Keep on posting. Let us know what you are doing to get well.

Best regards,

Moish

WELCOME! You are among friends. We all have different stories, but they are very much the same. Read the handbook. Read and post on the forum. You will find your way. There are a lot of tools. You will need to find what works for you.

Thank you all so much for posting and letting me know I'm not alone. I've struggled with this all my life and even though I had the courage to speak to a rabbi about it years ago. I never really felt like I have people who really get it. Who's been there and done that. Thank you so much for replying to my post. It took me 4ever to write it and it was exhausting I never put it all out there until now. I'm ashamed of all of it and don't know how to make sense of it.

welcome welcome! as the other chaverim told you you are not alone. we are all in the same boat.

בהצלחה

No way are you alone, chaver! Keep opening up, quit hiding along with the rest of us. You are certainly on the right track...finally.

Alei vhatzlach

- Dov

I wish I had the courage to put it all out there like you did. I have had similar issues in my past as you and am at a similar stage in life. I am brand new to this site and will hopefully be able to tell my story soon. Thanks for the inspiration to keep wanting to grow. I'm/we're all right there with you.

You can do anything if you want, you think you'll never be free, but you can, you can. One day at a time.

ahavas hashem wrote:
Welcome! We look forward to "hearing" it.

O27,

Your posts are beautiful and real. Keep them coming.
The first step (there are so many first steps) is understanding and admitting the scope of what's going on. Admitting it and bringing it out, even on this forum, is important. It means you're ready to stop hiding with your little one-man parties and start recovering.

Thanx for the chizuk It really hard to know what's going on I know I have a problem with porn and masturbation and that they make me feel depressed and far from Hashem and my wife and life in general.

After being on this site for a few days I want to say thank you to everyone.
Something's been bothering me and I think only realized recently. It used to be that I'll have a major urge that I can't control and I'll turn 2 masturbation or porn/masturbation. A lot of times it was triggered by something I saw/read/heard but recently it's more like what the heck lets look at some porn and masturbate its weird I guess there's some type of trigger but its not so much a physical thing maybe more of a Emotional thing. Any impute ?

Man...thats one honest introductory. Today was my first day of posting as well. I have found that for my process , the number one thing for combating such an aggressive illness is honesty. And boy did you acheive that. There was a lot of disturbing things in that email but these are things that just hold us back. Each day that we are alive, Hashem is giving us an oppurtunity to grow and no matter what HE believes in us and HE still chooses us to be here. This sexual darkness and shame is the downfall of man and noone is safe from falling, its just that for the addicted like myself, once I get a taste I am pulled even further down the infinite downward spiral. There has to be a stance, a vow, a choice, a DECISION, willingness to change, and from that one honest moment, Hashem now gives us the strength and one day at a time we can overcome and climb out of the hole. Good luck my friend

Thanx YC yes it was very hard to put it out there even with Being anonymous. I guess like everyone is saying here putting the story out there is important for me. And I assume it's helpful for other people to understand are not alone. But I'm not feeling too hot right now. Maybe because bring this all out and it's important. Who knows? Maybe this is the start and this is the process. I'm being very honest here and maybe not so clear. Just trying to make sense of everything that's going through my head and heart. I need to believe that this could all end. Will end! Right now I just feel really down!!! And feel like I'm going to fall. Even though I know that will make me more depressed. I know that doesn't make any sense. Hashem please help me!!! This is your world Even with all the pain and suffering there is a purpose. Why would I do something that will make me depressed And they I Could honestly say I don't enjoy anymore Not the porn not the masturbation Not while I'm doing it and not afterwards. Maybe it's all Guilt? Do I need to let that go? Or is that what's making me want to improve? I don't know anymore nothing is clear.