for me the difference between a shavua and kabbalah is saying hashems name which makes it more chamur.A shavua is a really serious thing so i try to avoid it if i don't feel it's necessary instead for the easy things i use a kabbalah that i won't do it.

I don't want to be controlling myself at all. Controlling myself was always the biggest reason I ended up acting out my lust. I'm an addict, tried everything, and do not need to die trying more and more things once I get sick of trying so many things (even more mussar and chassidus and this kind of chassidus or that kind of chassidus and this medicine and that rov and that shrink or this rov and the other shrink)...once I find what works, stick with it! Yisro would have died trying new gods....b"H he didn't need to! He found what works, so the search was over. Some people are not really searching to find - they are searching to search. Thank G-d I am not that way. Woo, I searched porn that way, searching one day at a time for better and better, always needing. It's never ending searching, never satisfied. B'H that's not the way recovery is. Recovery for me is Shabbos. Kol m'lacht'cho asuyah. Phew! I do not need to control lust at all, b"H. I surrender it and depend on my G-d as best I can to take fine care of me for today without my assisting Him with my lusting, jealousy, resenting and fixing my wife, kids and others, and without any help from my guilt or fears. And it works far better than any Torah/mussar/shrink/medicine/chizzuk ever did, for me. For those things are not made for this job, bichlal.

Sheesh.

Not goofy! Not goofy!!

Wahhhh!!!!!!

Im just getting caught up on your earlier posts, and I have several ideas that are kind of a running commentary as I read through your earlier posts. They are in order, so bear in mind which one’s I’m responding too.

I think this might be the longest single post in the history of GYE lol. Hope I’m coherent enough and I hope it helps. This is stuff that I have gathered from my time here, but I don’t know if it’s official or correct.

Shmiras Einayim Yesod. Often if we don’t pay attention to shmiras einayim (it’s been difficult for me, I’ve gone to a public school), we think that these urges come out of nowhere, but they are secretly being fed the whole day. We’re fighting lust, not the symptom (but it sounds like you’ve been reading a lot, so you probably know that already).

For me, I’ve tried getting out of the house—like I said, rationalizing that “I have to study” or have work to do doesn’t mean that we need to spend the whole day at home on a computer “working” while we have other tabs open on Sports News, CNN, etc. So I’m trying to say “from here until here I’ll study, the next 3 or 4 hours I’ll take time off”.

Also, I used to have cheshbonos about becoming a talmid chochom, fulfilling my dreams, etc: in my humble opinion, I think it’s best to leave the CONSEQUENCES up to Hashem. We can control the effort we put in, but what happens is up to Hashem. Right now, I’m just going to focus on doing what I need to for TODAY, without worrying about the Rambam’s idea about you have to be in the same situation to do Teshuva, or Sha’arei Teshuva, etc. I’ll worry about that in a few years.

What makes you think you aren’t an “eved Hashem” already? It’s the first Mishnah Berurah (I was going through it recently): that “Kol hanikra bishmi v’lichvodi b’rativ”: Hashem created the world for us to serve Him. R. Yochanan ben Zakai in Pirkei Avos: Im lamadta Torah Harbeh, Al tachazik tova l’atzmecha, KI LECHACH NOTZARTA. Whether we like it or not—whether we even serve hashem or not—we are avdei Hashem, since that’s what he created the world for. It’s our responsibility to do our duties as avdei Hashem, but we are all created as avdei Hashem. That’s my opinion—I don’t know if that’s correct or not.


Another big thing that I’ve found is that we focus on the ADDICTION too much, and not the LIVING part of it. I used to spend lots of time drawing up elaborate fences, attitude ideas, shmiras einayim, stuff, etc, and I think I’ve realized a few things:

#1, by focusing on it a lot mimeila you’re giving credence to the Y”H. More importantly:
#2 The whole point of this isn’t to cure the symptom of m* or even lust, but instead LIVING. It’s a long process, but life doesn’t consist of an endless battle over “to fall or not to fall is the question”. We need to start living, learning, and in some cases (mine included) dealing with certain problems that might have triggered it in the first place.

Sometimes when I’m at home all day, it becomes an endless struggle; I try going and playing basketball, shopping, or doing something to get out of the house so that I’m actually living, and life isn’t an endless struggle.

Of course, it is a huge struggle—tremendous struggle! That was AWESOME—all capital letters-tremendous-I-don’t-have-the-adjectives-to-describe-how-AWESOME and how much courage it took for you to start tackling the problem and telling your father. (That’s much farther than where I am—I couldn’t dream of telling either of my parents, a rebbe, a friend, anyone.)



(Sorry I’m reading through all of your previous posts all at once).

About the 90 days: it’s not a goal, but just a tool some people find helpful. As mentioned, if we go out and really LIVE one day at a time, that’s the ultimate goal. As with any other area, all growth is one day at a time.

“The first week or so after a fall is usually ok, though no guarantees”: only worry about today, not about “patterns”, or what has happened in the past or what will happen in the future. Since you are living in the present, you can only worry about and control what you do in the present. This is another mahalach to answering your question about 90 days: why worry about day 90? Just worry about where you are, and you’ll take it one day at a time—B”H you’ll reach 90 days, and then you can worry about it. (You have me beat there too—I’ve never reached 90 days! My best was 55 days, and that was mostly because of a 6-week summer learning program.)

DON’T use an unfiltered computer unless someone else is with you in the house, and is in a position to see what you are doing. (Don’t worry—you could still use GYE, they probably won’t see what you’re doing or even try paying enough attention to see. If you’re really worried, have a few tabs open.)

Congrats for dealing with this (like me) early on before it becomes a full-blown, lifestyle-type problem. Personally, I don’t think I need the twelve steps (i.e. I’m not addicted enough), but from what you said, it’s possible that you’re more addicted than me (or it’s also possible that over your previous 90 day period, you were fighting a battle with no weapons—you didn’t know about shmiras einayim, etc.)


If you wear glasses, taking them off when walking is a lifesaver—trust me, no one cares, and you can just say “I’m resting my eyes”. You don’t miss anything important either (unless you’re trying to catch a bus or something and need to see which station it is).

For me, I try moving on. If I had a failure 5 seconds ago—well, I’m living RIGHT NOW, so I can’t control that. Time to forget about it, stop guilting myself, and do everything I can RIGHT NOW.

The “friends” problem for me is difficult—I’m in a public school, with few religious friends to relate to. (Actually, I’m graduating in a little while, so that’ll be behind me.) In hindsight, I think a lot of my m* problems grew out of not having anyone to talk to / feeling isolated, so I would disagree that the friend situation is “a totally separate parsha”.

For me, in the “heat of the moment”, when the tsunami is about to strike, it’s “run like hell”. I try to get out of the house immediately. However, part of my problem is the Y”H convinces you that falling isn’t so bad, that being struck by a tsunami is okay and isn’t so bad.

Surrendering is very difficult, I know. I personally am looking for ways to strengthen my emunah.

“Every time I feel closer to giving up... All I want is to be able to get to two weeks- that would mean Im at least improving.”

Of course you’re improving! If someone is truly happy, are they constantly looking over their shoulder saying “oh yeah, I’m happy now! I’m now happy!” Of course not! True, while they are thankful for what they have, they are just HAPPY without verifying it.

You’re recovering right now, whether you know it or not. A fall doesn’t meant that you’ve lost any of your previous progress. If you think about it, let’s take myself as an example: I’ve fallen probably at least a 1,000 times in my life (from the 6th grade until now; probably more than that). So now I am in recovery. Is Chachaman with 1,001 falls in recovery qualitatively any different than the Chachaman with 1,000 falls in recovery? I don’t think so. Not that I am making light of the severity of a fall; chas v’chalilah. I’m saying that AFTER THE FACT, if you really think about it you are still making progress, and one more fall hasn’t set you back to the bottom of the ladder.

It’s very good (it sounds kind of funny saying that it’s “good” lol) that you’ve hit bottom; I don’t think I have yet. Preserve that feeling and remember it—it will give you a very solid reason to KOT when the going is rough.

Beautiful on the davening! Again, I’ve had this problem since a long time; I’ve always been thinking “well, I’d better do Teshuvah while I’m at public school to fulfill what the Rambam says”. Look at me now: current streak is 9 days, about to graduate high school.

The CHESHBONOS are counter-productive. Take it one day at a time. It’s very tempting to say “I’ll go into Yeshiva recovered”, but these issues quite honestly take more than a few months to recover from. It’s ingrained life-and-emotional issues (at least it was for me). To improve in LIVING, getting closer to Hashem, is a slow process.

I’ve been on this site a year-and-a-half, and I’m still struggling. So don’t give up; KOT.

Very true: if you’ve made it 90 days once, you can do it again! How? By taking it 1 day at a time.

“When is Hashem finally going to have Rachmanus on me, and let me beat this nisayon?” Answer: when you let Him have Rachmanus on you and let Him, not you, beat the nisayon.

True: everyone here is warriors, but that’s another good point. As Dov says frequently, he’s not worrying about being a tzaddik or seeking recognition from anyone. He doesn’t care what Lav suicide is; he doesn’t commit suicide for obvious reasons, but doesn’t expect fame and acclaim for not committing suicide.

“I'm a bit wary of the Taphsic shvuous. They seem to be for people who need a bit of help controlling themselves. It doesn't address the emotional issues that are often the root of the problem. Based on what you have posted, I'm not sure Taphsic will help that much.”

I agree. They’re one tool, but not THE tool.



Anyway, sorry for such a long post, but good luck! It seems like (at least to me) that the two of us would probably have a lot in common in real life.