Hi everyone. I'm 18 years old, modern orthodox, and going off to yeshiva next year. I've been struggling with the nisayon of lust for as long as I can remember. Although I've been observing this community of warriors from the sidelines for quite some time, I think I'm finally ready to become a member of it and to restart my journey with help and guidance. This is my story.

I honestly can't even remember when this problem began- definitely way before puberty. It had always been bad, but it got much worse when I discovered that the Internet can be an outlet as well, in 8th grade. It slowly got worse as the years went by; every year around Yom Kippur I told myself I would stop, but, as you all know, it never lasted. In fact, I tried to stop countless times but nothing ever worked. I hated this secret part of my life and always felt that it made me a hypocrite. After 10th grade was when the flood gate opened. I was at it, easily, 2-3 times a day. I was in a hole the depths of which only the people in this community could ever understand. I put so much filth into myself that year that I gave up hope of ever stopping.

The following summer changed my life. I went to a learning camp, became inspired (not to mention clean for over a month as there was nothing to do except learn, talk with friends, and sleep) and when I got back I decided that I couldn't go on with this double life. I gave stopping an extremely serious, mature effort for the first time- and things improved, somewhat- but never for very long. After so many years of self medication and obsession, things weren't going to get better so quickly.

Finally, after a streak of failures this past fall, I confessed to my dad that my laptop was ruining my life. It felt really good, although I was SO embarassed when I was telling him, and I knew that I had just won a major victory for Hashem. (Despite that, I still don't think he really understands the extent of the problem- he probably just thinks I have a self control issue). I was clean for my first 90 days after that, but it was MAMESH GEHENOM ON EARTH. Every night I died trying to push away the fantasies and desires. Since I've been around this site for a while I know about Dov and I would like to paraphrase something he posted once: "Without Hashem, trying to restrain yourself is like holding your breath- eventually you have to let go". And that's exactly what happened to me after those 90 days- I had to let go, and fell.

Some time after that, after another particularly hard fall, I believe I experienced what is commonly refered to as "hitting bottom". I knew that something drastic had to happen in my approach to this whole problem. What I was doing wasn't working, and would likely continue not to work. Trying to restrain yourself, cutting off all access to the Internet and fighting with all your might was ineffective. I had never really taken GYE seriously before this, but now I realized that it was my only hope. After spending a lot of time on it, I finally internalized the idea that I have an addiction, a disease, and that I need help.

I want to restart my journey, everyone, and I need your help. All my aspirations for myself, for what I want to accomplish in my life- being an eved Hashem, a talmid chacham- will go down the drain along with my tiny portion in Olam Haba if I don't get out of isolation and work the 12 steps. Can anyone offer advice to someone like me? I know that I'm somewhat of a minority in this community- most people are married adults, with kids. I haven't reached the point where my life has been completely ruined, but I feel that if I don't do something now, it very soon will be.

Welcome to the clan!!
I don't know why you are a minority here, there are plenty of singles in their teens out here, not that it makes a big difference. (marriage may only make it more difficult in a way).

One thing is for sure, you came to the right place!!
Hope you find your niche and Keep On Trucking!!
Hatzlacha!!

first of all welcome to the community

You already seem to be going in the right direction.Stick around and I'm sure you'll get the help you need.

About the addiction part, just because you haven't been able to stop doesn't necessarily mean that you are addicted, but if you are then the first step is definitely admitting that you are, so try to talk to someone to see if you actually are or not.(or post here about it)

One thing i found particularly helpful was stopping the process at the beginning before it gets even harder to control, so far that's been whats keeping me clean.

anyway, hatzlacha and keep on posting

p.s. us unmarried guys are the lucky ones and are actually the majority here. (maybe not but how should i know, i don't have access to the married section )

double post

I don't know 100% if i'm addicted but I can be fairly sure that I am based on what I've read here about other people's struggles- even if I'm not, i don't plan to sit around and wait for it to escalate.
Im adopting the philosophy of hitting bottom while still in top. For the record, i definitely feel that Im on the bottom anyway, so... yeah.
I wanted to post about my plan that i came up with over Shabbos.
I was very upset and thinking about how I've tried soooo many times and it just keeps coming back, when I realized two things: 1. I've improved from not being able to last 2 days, to basically 2 clean weeks at a time and 2. I really only started to actually seriously consider (not even implement yet) the philosophy of GYE (Let go and Let G-D, one day at a time, letting people into your struggle) since about a month ago.
I mean people spend lifetimes working on this nisayon and I expect it to disappear in a month?
I only started playing the game the right way recently! Before that, I basically just winged it, with no plan except cutting off as much internet as possible, hoping it would go away on its own- I now understand that addiction is a science in and of itself and it takes properly directed (this is crucial) efforts to be rid of it.
Tell me if this simple, three pronged approach sounds good:
A. Tefillah
B. Study of the Addiction and how to grow out of it- (Big Book, White Book, Handbook, details to follow..)
C. Community Participation/ Sharing

I think this basic outline, if implemented diligently, will help me grow out of the addiction of lust.

As long as I'm posting here, I want to post my track record. At this point, I'm 1 day clean and this is the second day. The first week or so after a fall is usually ok, though no guarantees. In fact, the days I find hardest are ones where I'm sitting at home, bored (not really, i do have work) especially by myself. I'm actually typing on my sister's computer right now, unfiltered, with no particular issues. Honestly, thats probably just because I'm here with you guys. Anyway, hopefully today will be ok, B'H.

I have a few questions:

1. I understand that the 90 day program is vey helpful because it gives a person some kind of goal, something to look forward too, or at least that was what helped me the first time around. But what do you do afterward? Obviously, it gets much easier afterwards, but still... isn't it so much harder to proceed with no tangible goal other than "one day at a time"?
2. Can anyone give me advice about what to do when I'm in yeshiva? I'm leaving August 6th because the yamim noraim are super early this year, so what I am going to do for a whole year with no access to the Internet? They have computers in this yeshiva, but they're in the open and monitored and its going to be really hard to access this site without being spotted. I don't know what to do: on the one hand this is great, but on the other hand, how am I going to connect to the kehilla? Where does one get outside support in such a situation? Just because there won't be the possibility of p*** doesn't mean there won't be challenges...

I can't believe it...
It's literally been a day...
I just fell

Did you just post a long question somewhere else?

Hi davidngu613,

Most of what you have described, I could have written about myself.

I don't think I even tried to stop until I went to Yeshiva in Israel. I never opened up to anyone about it until my wife caught me after over a decade of marriage. So, you are ahead of me on both fronts.

Your descriptions about how hard it is to stop are spot on. The sobriety lasting sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes even weeks. Boredom being a BIG factor. You don't say it, but perhaps lonliness as well?

You did not say how your father reacted. Was he supportive? Did he think it was pretty normal and no big deal?

Yeshiva did help me some, but certainly did not cure me. To me, the 3rd part of your 3 pronged approach is where the bulk of the growth comes from.

There are 12 step phone conferences. You can do those in Israel. If you feel you need it, you can even join live 12 step meetings in Israel. Many guys here find the forum a good place to make connections. Then they speak outside the forum. Many don't even spend much time on the forum once they find a recovery path that works for them.

You are on the right track. As long as you are determined and willing to be open and honest with other recovering addicts, you can recover.

The earlier in life you deal with this the better!

I wish you much hatzlacha!

hey guys I know that I kind of disappeared on a gloomy note, but here i am, with 3 days clean in the bank, and feeling great. Baruch Hashem, I had an easy few days thanks to an outpouring of attention from a few different senior members like gibbor and dov and others.
I'm starting my 90 day count today and really looking forward- i definitely see the psychological benefits of the system- knowing that you're part of a chevra that's growing together, seeing those days add up in front of your eyes as you advance in the chart etc...
I have to admit though, I was feeling kind of weak and vulnerable today... I went on a trip to downtown Manhatten to see some kind of Museum... too many tests... I had a couple of bad shmiras einayim failures and yesterday wasn't so hot either. What are you supposed to do when tempting images are mamesh around every corner... very difficult.
My major troubles, however, come from from the long weekends sitting at home, by myself. Those days are always a nisayon- the boredom gets to me and starts filling my head with extremely unsavory ideas. Unfortunately, at the moment, my "friends" situation is a little stale (but thats a different parsha and not for now) so I don't have too many friends around keeping me busy. I'm hoping to try out the Taphsic Method starting tomorrow, as my first line of real, practical defense.
I was actually thinking recently abou the different techniques we on GYE use to get better- among them are posting on the forum, tallking on the phone with other members, trying to limit Internet usage, getting filters, studying the addiction alone or on phone conferences. But when you think about it, what does one actually do bshaas maaseh, when the lightning bolt hits, when the tsunami is about to swallow you? All those things are nice, long term ways to make the attacks less frequent and less intense- in otherwords actually cure the addiciton in the long run- but what do you do in the heat of the moment?
The answer to that question, I think, is the hardest one and varies based on the level to which the addiciton has progressed. For me, personally, it has always been very difficult, and trying to surrender my lust to Hashem in the moment has worked better for me than anything else so far- but it still isnt perfect. I think the philosophy of "the Method" adresses this question perfectly. I'm going to try out and I'll let you guys know how it goes.
I just want to make one last comment about the INCREDIBLE accuracy of the White book excerpt in the Chizuk email from a few days ago- the bit about lust being a 'self indulgent screen that works against my own reality, negating it" hit me like a ton of bricks. That's exactly what I felt like when overcome by lust; almost separated from my own consciousness, looking at myslef from the outside with with helpless dissapointment and anger. In fact, that's exactly how lust works on me, like a screen separating the beast from the man, allowing the beast to be fed and nurtured and throwing the man in me outside to rot.We seek to fill the hole within ourselves, to feed our egos our own selfish desires. We're all looking for something, constantly running and searching, but the secret is that the only way to satisfy that inner lust is to give. Hashem created us inherently selfish lustful. Our particular inborn selfishness expresses itslef in lust, in others it may be in a desire for money, etc... The goal for each one of us, however, is the same. To overcome that inborn selfishness by giving to others, by sharing with others.

davidngu613 wrote:
I would say the opposite. The "friends" situation IS for now. It will help you avoid getting into "the heat of the moment" in the first place.

davidngu613 wrote:
Again, the "heat of the moment" moments will be less frequent and less intense. You can then use techniques like surrender which you describe below.

davidngu613 wrote:
Never will be perfect. Don't worry about it.

davidngu613 wrote:
Yes, I never realized how "selfish" I was am before coming here.

I will still stress. FRIENDS is a BIG key. Boredom and lonliness are breeding grounds for taavah.

Hatzlacha Rabbah! Have a great Shabbos!

Thanks, gibbor- you're right the friends situation is for now, the only problem is I've been trying to fix it for a while and its just not working. Its complicated...

I had a massive, massive fall today. Every time I feel closer to giving up... All I want is to be able to get to two weeks- that would mean Im at least improving.There is nothing more in the entire world right now that I want more than to never ever ever ever ever ever ever have a fall again. What makes me so upset right now is remembering my severe, severe depression a week ago, and how I resolved not to give in, sure that I would make the 90 days this time. What's wrong with me? WHY CANT I CONTROL THIS? My real plan is to have 90 days before August 6th which is the first day of yeshiva. The deadline for that is shrinking everyday though.
After last weeks fall, I was absolutely crushed, in complete and utter despair- I literally wanted to throw myself under a truck or something. During Mincha afterwards, I felt a connection to Hashem the likes of which I had never experienced. I felt that He was right there, listening to me pour my heart out, seeing my utterly shattered and beaten neshama. I cried to G-d with all my might and incredibly (or perhaps not so incredibly) He answered my tefillos almost immediately- as soon as I finished davening, I got my first response from you guys, and I knew that everything was going to be ok. I see a long and twisted journey ahead of myself, and I'm crying on the inside right now as I foresee many mistakes and slip ups for myself in the future- there are days when I just don't understand how people can be given such a nisayon. There are days when I just don't see how it could be possible for us to ever pass it. But thats exactly the point. Alone, of course, we aren't meant to pass this test. Together, bcahvrusa, after learning the sugya, we stand a SIGNFICANTLY better chance.

Kal Vachomer: if before joining GYE and bringing Hashem into the struggle I was able to squeeze out 90 days, all the more so I should be able to do now that I have both!

Another ploy of the yezyer I have to combat is him telling me that its natural what I'm feeling, that a guy my age is going to have drives and passions and that its completely normal to want a release- I know better.

Truth be told, the one thing I feel right now isn't depression, or regret, or hope, or even anything- I'm too tired and exhausted to really feel anything. How many times do I need to fall to the deepest depths, first with the taivos and then in my subsequent emotional state? How many times do I need to tell myself that Im going to improve? How many times? WHen is this torture finally going to end? When is Hashem finally going to have Rachmanus on me, and let me beat this nisayon? When am I finally going to see the effects of being on this site, and sharing with you guys. When... WHen... When...

In the meantime, I have to go back to real life and pick myself up again. In a way, I'm not really such a hero for refusing to give up on this fight. Did Hashem give me a choice? I don't remember being asked if I wanted this addiction in my life- he simply planted me here and... thats it. I'm stuck with this and y two choices are pretty much 1. do my best to fight it or 2. give up and go to gehinnom. Do I really have a choice whether or not I want to fight this? NO! I must or die.
I should probably finally go and make my Taphsic shvuous- back to the drawing board...
Sorry for ranting guys I needed to to get that out. Hopefully I'll have better news for you in a week from now.

I'm a bit wary of the Taphsic shvuous. They seem to be for people who need a bit of help controlling themselves. It doesn't address the emotional issues that are often the root of the problem. Based on what you have posted, I'm not sure Taphsic will help that much.

Have you spoken to anyone about your problem in a totally open and honest way? It is very therapudic. You can speak with people on this forum who understand what you are going through. Perhaps join an anonymous phone conference.

Just some ideas. You will ultimately find out what works for you, and what doesn't.