B"H

Shalom to everyone...

I am new here having accessed the site last Sunday.

I have been struggling with this since I was 11, having been given "sex education" by my peers at school and then happened to find some shmutzy mags (no internet back then) --- and the rest is hitory --- I'll be 45 in Iyar, this month.

I have gone from acting out incessently in a day, all week long over the years since, to nowadays only once or twice a month. As soon as Rosh Chodesh is close, my terror starts because I know what's coming. Worse still I know where I would end up! Still this depresses me greatly. My real desire, really, is to connect and commune with Hashem - this problem obviously disconnects me from my own neshamah never mind HKB"H! It is as if I am actually possessed allowing this dibuk to use my body for its own ends.

I happened to find reference to your site through a link R' Lazer Brody posted on FB. This month of Iyar I fell twice and decided to act - not out - but in. I decided to seek help - to admit I have a problem - to surrender - and to surrender to Hashem - I submit!

So Last Sunday I started reading through GYE site and the manual. I took the advice and printed for myself a help sheet with prayers to say every morning and other tips which I have taken on board and made my own (see attachment). I have now been 4 days clean and being very careful of shmirat aiynayim which for me is the root of all that follows in my head and then in action.

I am also no longer wearing my glasses where I know I'll be challenged. Today I hope with Hashem's help to start my road to freedom!

Next time Hashem calls out "ayeka" to me, I would like to have an answer...

Abba, hineni!

Great Start!!!
Shemiras Einayim is number one with this, it's not coincidence that the sites name is Gaurd your Eyes!!
Hatzlacha Rabbah on your journey to yourself!

Thank you.

You're absolutely right which I ultimately internalised even though I knew this truth for so long!

Someone asked me what Rosh Hodesh has to do with anything!

I really don't know. All I know is that as soon as a new month is near that assault starts.

I now am convinced it is because I focused on just not acting out but was not vigilant with shmirat aynayim that the cravings always resulted in the tragic action I fall into. Because I did not identify this as the root cause of all that follows I did not have a strategy which thanks to GYE I have this week put one in practice.

I must say the assault on my mind is currently enormous! Since last Monday I have been extremely edgy and depressed - but I know this is the fog, the storm, the fire, the lightning and the turmoil before I get to calm seas...

I need to, with Hashem's help (I can't do this on my own) to weather the storm...

Thank you for your kind wishes - and hatzlaha rabba to you

Sholom aleichem dear OBY,

You sound like a great guy with much potential. You're on the right track. Shmirat einayim is a must if we wish to overcome this problem. But I would advise you to also consider shmirat machshovo. My experience taught me (and I'm more than a decade older than you), that guarding the eyes while lusting in the mind does not work. The balloon will eventually burst. Our main problem is "lust", so we must avoid it completely to stay sober.

And don't forget - if you take it one day at a time, it becomes much more manageable.
And don't forget - Hashem really loves you. He gave you this issue and He appreciates your efforts. He knows how hard it is and He's ready to assist you. So speak to Him as a son to a father, and iy"H you will see wonders. The pleasure of closeness to Hashem beats any of the fake trash that the YH is trying to offer you.

Hatzlacha

MT

WELCOME odbenyisroel,

Nice to have you on board!

Journey on, there is lots to learn here.

you are absolutely right, MT, have alook in Ohr Hachayim this week, by "kmaaseh eretz mitzraim" he says exactly that!
It was just easier for me to first clamp down on shemiras einayim, which then deminished the machshavos greatly, than to deal with them both at once. whatever works!!

hi!

Thank you all and thank you MT...

You are absolutely right and I too have come to realise this through my own pain. One cannot allow not even a single component of the problem untouched because it will come back to haunt one.

As you all said, and as also suggested in the GYE manual, I am taking it one day at a time.

I have written these prayers to say in the morning when I wake up as well as during the amidah and any other times that I feel under attack:

Please Hashem; help me not to take any second looks.
Hashem, I surrender my lust to you! Please take it away from me.
Hashem, I can't do this on my own any more. You know that I have tried fighting in these types of situations and lost, time and time again. Please! I need You to help me through this.
Please help me Hashem. Thy will, not mine, be done.

My every day pledge/strategy is to repeat this mantra when I need it although I do say the following every morning when I wake up:

Just for today:
No Looking
No Gazing
No thinking
No Handling
No Stroking
No Saying Stupidities

Another strategy of mine is to visualise this stop sign when confronted with anything that would get my mind racing towards perdition:



So what I do is to close my eyes and visualise this sign and then pray to Hashem immediately - so far so good...

Today for a long time I felt at peace within - I have forgotten what that is like!

Beautiful Tefilla. Amen ken yehi ratzon.

Beautiful mantra, and beautiful strategy.

May Hashem reward your efforts with much success.

Shabbat Shalom Umvorach!

MT

I have been clean for a week. B"H - i can't say B"H enough!

I feel good but it is not easy - not that I have even come close to acting out chas ve shalom...

Sometimes I get this heightened anxiety, which feels like something's either holding on inside me for dear life, or perhaps even something which needs to be torn out of me... b'ezrat Hashem...

Other times I start to get, let's say a heightened sensitivity in the area of my brit...

And still at other times I am depressed, or scared that I might either not doing enough or getting complacent...

All tactics of the yetzer ha ra!

Last night I had a nasty dream - quite explicit - which did not last long as Hashem woke me up and with His loving help I quickly reminded myself and re-committed my self to the healing I seek with a quick prayer addresses to "my Father, my King" as I has not done netilat yadayim.

In the past I would have at best been indifferent to - but this time I felt bad - dirty - disgusted by this tumah in the mind.

I made a quick account to see what I had exposed myself to, mentally or through my eyes and B"H I can say hand on heart nothing which I deliberately inflicted upon myself.

However there was something that happened as I had to deal with this woman who was not best dressed although nothing extreme. I also prayed on the spot to Hashem to help me out and did my best to look away when conversing with her without offending her that I was looking at everywhere else I felt safe but her.

I am however glad that I felt the way I did when I woke (or woken up I should say!) up from this dream, as this would not in the past made be feel bad - but this time it was different.

I pray and hope this is part and result of healing.

Baruch Hashem, with His loving care and mercy and help, I have reached 11 days of sanity!

I cannot thank Him and all of you here at GYE enough! Now I need, I want to do this for another 9 times and reach 90 and then 9 times more and more and more!

But still, I'll do it for just one day at a time, with Hashem's help...

Yipee!!!
Thanks for the good update!!!

Keep it up, KOT!!

HI OBY,
I am so happy to see you on the chart. Posting here is so helpful in our fight against the YH through surrender to HKB"H.
I am also a new Oleh to this wonderful world of GYE so it is really mechazek me when I see others fighting by my side. We can do this one day at a time.
Daven for me and i'll daven for you.