Hi, I am "aviezer". i'm new to the site in the sense that I'm finally committed to using it and making "getting clean" the first priority in my life. I've read the handbook and i've been clean since i decided to stop a little over a week ago. But i'm kind of unclear where to go from here. I'm sure that as time goes on there will be nisyonos and I feel like i don't have a good idea of how to prepare myself. Also, i don't feel like i know how to really get clean in a true sense (not just avoiding nisyonos, but) to really fix myself and become tahor...

Welcome to the GYE. Glad to hear you're off to a great start. You've asked where to go from here. I think it's safe to think that if you went to a doctor and told him you feel sick he would ask you about the sympotms you've been feeling. While I don't profess to be a doctor, there are alot of other knowledgeable people here. One reasonable question that you can expect is: What are your symptoms. Opening up about yourself is beneficial for a number of reasons. My suggestion is you try it and I'm sure you will get some guidance on some next steps.
I do think that you hit it right on the mark when you say the answer to your problems is not sumply avoiding nisyanos, but changing yourself. Once again welcome and hatzlacha.

Welcome aviezer! You're off to a good start! UAJ is right, can you share a bit about yourself?

aviezer wrote:


Hi/welcome!

Just curious: You the read the handbook and did not find any ideas that you can use?? Maybe you need to read it more carefully. It has tons of ideas for all levels of people dealing with this issue.

aviezer wrote:



Don't go anywhere. Just stay here and you'll iy"H be ok. Tell us more about yourself, and you'll surely get much chizzuk and ideas to help you in your journey.

Hatzlacha,

MT

Welcome!! and congrats on your first week!!
the guys are right, tell us a little about your story, and stick around.
just one thing do not make the mistake many of us make time and time again, "oh, i've finally beat him!! nothing can get me now!!" it's just inviting him in, better tell yourself, i'm just in a very good mood let's keep it that way.
Hatzlacha Rabbah

more about myself: I'm in my twenties and single. I've have had this problem on and off my whole adult life. I've had times where i was clean for many months at a time. But in recent years it's gotten worse. Recently it got to the point where I had completely lost any ability to stay clean. This prompted me to finally accept that not only did I have a real addiction (not just a struggle) but that I needed to do whatever was necessary to stop, rather than "trying harder" etc.
I said before that i read the book but felt kind of lost. what i meant was that i didn't feel that there was a systematic process, more like a lot of tools. Meaning, even if i could avoid problems, I wouldn't know how to make real progress.
I really appreciate all of the responses I've received so far.
Also, I am dating and I'm very confused about what to do. meaning: how can i ever date someone or marry someone if marriage and dating by its very nature will mean "feeding" desires...

aviezer wrote:
In "this problem" to do you mean looking at porn, or being motzei zera l'vatla, or both? If it is the former, is it through the internet? Do you have a computer a smartphone? A filter, webchaver? You say later on that you are willing to do whatever necessary to get clean. How about taking steps to remove these things from your immediate vicinity. It is not the solution since the problem is not simply a lack of filter, the problem is in our minds, but why walk around with problem in our pocket.

aviezer wrote:


During those times that you were clean. What differences did you see in your life? What benefits did you feel in staying clean? Also, what changes did you make in your life to enable you to stay clean? There is a benefit to writing all of these things out and articulating it.

aviezer wrote:


Good for you because if you truly feel that you will do whatever necessary to stop then you have not lost your ability to stay clean, you now have one of the most important tools in staying clean.

aviezer wrote:


Real progress is measured in very small increments.

aviezer wrote:


What is the purpose of marriage to you? Maybe take some time off from dating to answer some of these questions and work on getting clean. You can get married, have a happy healthy marriage even if you have desires. The fact that you are working on this now, is a very important step in attaining that goal.

Much hatzlacha.

aviezer wrote:

I can relate. I felt very confused at the beginning. Even now, I have a hard time putting my recovery into words.

I opened up to fellow strugglers and my wife (not in the exact same way). I joined a 12 step phone conference. I read a lot of dov.

Somehow, the sum of those things changed me some. How can I be sure that I have changed? For one, I am sober for almost 4 years with a few rough times, but not nearly as many as before. My wife sees a change in my personality and has commented on it more than once, as in "the old gibbor would have..." . I am calmer and better able to deal with life.

I like everything to be a process, I do 'A' then 'B' happens. I turn the key, the car starts. It makes things much simpler. For some reason, recovery just doesn't seem to work that way.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!