I don't know since I'm only a bochur--but right now it seems to me that that would almost be like a fall, only that it's suddenly become kosher. I would think that one should have a pretty decent streak first.

than again, if we're addicts for life, time wont change our approach to marriage, so might as well do it now since sooner is better than later.

translation: I don't know

copy that !

so far my longest streak ended in February 2013 after 11 weeks. ( following that 2 weeks and after that a very long and deep fall which bring me in gye)

I know that Rabbi Twerski has said that one should have a period of sobriety before he starts dating and also that he should tell his date (at the right time) about his addiction.

see here
www.guardureyes.com/gue/rtwerski/startDating.asp

and here
guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/do-i-have-to-tell-my-date

and here
www.guardureyes.com/gue/rtwerski/Dating.asp

you know.this how you realize how much this sin is vicious because I always thought it was a personal matter, between you and Hachem (I mean, I never went with a real girl) it is just you when no one can see but now it interfere with REAL life.

by the way, I face the same problem of last week, I forget why I don't act out ! I mean, I still don't act out right now ! not even a slip ! but I feel...good ! and yeah I feel like if I fall I will be better because it's enjoyable !

Stupid lie , right ?

still, here my problem, after a week I dont see the point to struggle!

I have a vague remembrance of the pain but it seems so far !

damn it !my yetser hara is very clever !!

I want my memory back !!

edit: I re-read my post ! damn ! it's like if there is 2 man inside me

after reading some of what Dr sorotzkin had to say (look at gibbor120 for the link), I think that it can be helpful to list the benefits of being sober, instead of focusing on the negatives associated with falling--the Y"h is amazing at clouding the negatives.

also, maybe creating a list od things you are thankful for could help. there are plenty of techniques like that which might be able to get us into positive moods.

if necessary, take extreme measures. take a walk outside, clear your head. tell the y"h only for today you will be clean; tomorrow is a new fight.

as always, if we define our lives by this struggle, we are destined to fail.

Hi breath,

That's why people don't usually try the 12 steps until they've hit "rock bottom". It usually takes that long for someone to admit that this is ruining their life and make them willing to take the necessary "steps" to start living sober.

I've heard of a concept here of euphoric recall as well. We remember the positive feelings and pleasures, but not the pain. If we clearly remembered the pain, the Y"H wouldn't stand a chance.

Have you ever done a first step inventory? You write out your entire acting out history for yourself. Then you read (or paraphrase) it to someone else. It makes the whole thing really hit home. It is a very liberating feeling, and helps us to let go of the acting out that we are clinging to for dear life.

i get it , i will follow your advices.

Thanks everyone for the tips.
Step by step , i create a new "me".

Hi my friends,

I never share how I become an addict because it is very painful and not interesting (past is past...)but I think you can understand me.

BUT REMEMBER DON’T JUDGE ME OR MY FAMILY HARD OK ? I FORGIVE THEM COMPLETELY AND THEY FORGIVE ME !

If i resume my childhood in one word,it will be "violence".

Not child violence but an adult level of violence between child, I mean bones crushing,beat down on the head with feet,with a baseball bat,and even choking.

I went three times at the hospital,

I was operated 2 times.so I wear scar for life, wear piece of metal to let the bones stuck

My brother crush my hand so hard,he cut my nerve and I lost partially the mobility of my finger (the surgeon tied my nerve so I can partially move it together)

So yeah,I knew what is the violence,but the thing is I didn’t fight for me . I can endure that,it is not a problem but I can’t bear when my older beat my little brother !

Each time they said “I will kill you” and start to hit,I went between them and said to the stronger “I’ll kill you first”

I think my parents fears them,they are dangerous, this is why I intervene myself no matter how I fear them ,I jumped on the fight because I can endure the fight and the pain and I don’t think my parents can.

I prefer take the hits before someone else.

But do you think my parents thank me ? Not at all ! They scolded me because I jumped into something that is not my business ! SO WHY DID YOU LET THEM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IF IT’S NOT ME ? WHO ELSE ???????

Yeah I pray for they suffers ,I enjoyed when they fight each others.

Do you know how many times I cried during this time ? NONE !

Till one day in November 2008,I was so low and deep and miserable ,I beg my mother to help me

Do you know what she said ? “hit you head on the wall,I don’t care”

This exactly what I did.

And I cried and screamed all afternoon.

I lived in and for violence.

Do you think I was alone ? no ! I have my secret island of peace,

when I locked myself in toilet and do what you know ,in this world ,the girls were pretty and love me.(no porn ,I discover this years later and I never really enjoyed it even now)

But it have a cost.

Shame.Guilt.you know them.

Years passed like this.

You can see I don’t prayed, I didn’t know how it works ! understand me,I was in violence since so many years ! where I could learn that !!

But I have an another friend.Tehilim ,Psalms.

At the age of 13 ,a rav told me the power of psalms, it’s funny because I forget the power but I clearly remember asked him “wow ,it’s awesome ! and I just have to read ? even if I don’t understand?” “he told me “Yes !”

So I start read it ,(since then I usually read the whole sefer in one week)

After my hand crush,I start to think , I can’t live like this anymore !

This is where is start to think about Hachem,

I increased my tehilim,jump in when i was sad or angry.

A little time after ,An Admour went to my city (it’s a very small town) in a neighbor’s house and some guy told me we can ask him questions.

So for the first time of my life ,I surrender and let someone think for me.

I told him my story and ask him If I shall continue to fight for my brother and he told me “NO !” “What ???" He told me some reasons i don't really understand (something about names i think)

So I follow his advice and stay away of the fight,.

It’s very VERY hard to not intervene when you witnesses what I saw but when i listen a fight I close my ears and rode Tehilim (this is all knew …rode the Tehilim)

And the magic appears,one day a brother look for fight with me ,very hard but I rode tehilim and I didn’t respond.

The brother who crush my hands came to me and tell me this.

“I don’t know how you can endure that …it was…impressive !”

Well on my side I was thinking "something is changing here..."

Then i started to pray for Hachem.

Not a prayer for punishment,but on a contrary ,I asked Hachem to help them,SAVE them.

And crush my ego !

I apologize for anything ! the feeling when you apologize to someone you deeply hate or someone younger than you is like ... i feel like if it tears my heart apart ! it hurt literally yours teeth !

I can assure you ,when you see someone acting like a murder ,it's very hard !

But it worked !

I don't know when exactly but somewhere between 2008 and 2009,The war ended.

But it left scars.

I grew up,went to college,I changed ,I meet some girls and start to think more about lust.

The thing which i used for escape become my new prison.

"No big deal !" i thought "it's nothing compare to my former war ".

It was false.

I didn't knew this new war will almost kill me.

I continue later.

But remember, i fight alone for years and now I'm on GYE so things gonna be alright

("where you see one footsteps is where i carry you on my shoulders")
Gut chabbos and chabbat chalom.

wow. I'm not quite sure what to say. I think a lot of people on this forum have stories inside that they have not yet shared. Thank you for sharing. I hope it helps you.

thanks for sharing, i feel the same as gibbor, not sure what to say.

We're here for you, but do you have someone in real life like a therapist or a rebbi?


good shabbos

since I supposed to be part of a great and respectable family, I never NEVER talk about what happened inside my house, so I lie to everyone but for my very best friend I told them that is a long story.

in fact, this is the second time, I talk about my childhood (the first time was also on Internet)

but you know , as you realized , I am used to think and fight by myself, alone.so yeah it felt very good to talk about this.

...and truth is I would be a real coward to said I have excuse to have been stuck with this sin because some guy really suffer from worst situation like chikd abuse, so I won't say "it is not my fault, I'm a good guy with child issue "I choose the easy way to escape this
misery , and now it's my job to get away (but I realized I can't do it on my own ...)

few years ago (2005 I think) I discover manga (Japanese comics) it is full of loser who become great hero (every kid think he is a loser , easy to identified.

I kinda become an otaku , and I knew there is a 18+ part in japanim world but I stay away for many years till one day I pick a look because " I was curious to see how it look like" seriously guys, this was the excuse YH used yo trap me,

I didn't like it and promise me to never come back, like six weeks later I came back.

Wow. Like others, I don't quite know what to say.

"..and truth is I would be a real coward to said I have excuse to have been stuck with this sin because some guy really suffer from worst situation like chikd abuse, so I won't say "it is not my fault, I'm a good guy with child issue "I choose the easy way to escape this
misery , and now it's my job to get away (but I realized I can't do it on my own ...)"

Though focusing on the past can help us in recovery, especially in identifying issues motivating it, I don't know if it's helpful to judge ourselves if we should or shouldn't have gotten ourselves into shmutz: l'ma'aseh, we did, and we can't necessarily change the past.

Do you think it would be helpful to open up to a therapist?

well, there is a cliché who said everybody has a therapist in usa even the dog, but here in france only people with mental issue go see them.

I can't see one because i will be recognize for ever as the crazy dude.

so i have to deal with it by myself and Hachem and GYE advice.

I'm aware it's not the childhood and the life we saw on Disney channel but it could be worst,i m grateful to Hachem for my life, seriously ,it's just another reason to stop this.