But no , the thing is I have in my mind a remembrance of the sadness and despair who follow the fall.and I seriously didn't want to believe the lie.

so I turn off my pc and went away just to breath a little.

"ok what should I do now ? i started ro told myself like elyah told me :keep asking Hachem help then after a while i told myself maybe Hachem push you in this situation just to know how you will react, it's not a fall but a test ! a challenge ! ok but now ? should I go away with that on my mind ? sooner or later I will go back and this time I will maybe not think.i have a reloaded gun in front of my head, it's too easy to pull the trigger. "

then I made a terrible thing. It's probably a bad idea but it was the best I thought

I even don't know if I should write this because its was very dangerous.

send me an email or delete it.i don't mind.

so I came on the site. choose a girl and tell her to he keep her clothes on.

then we speak . During all the two hours we speak.about her problem .how ahe finish here and give her some advice.after the two hours I said goodbye and good luck and she start to speak with another client . probably everything she said was false but I don't care.

I didn't fall.didnt touch myself. keep eyes... well it still a girl but at least she wear clothes . basically I threw away the gun in my head.maybe the next time, I will fall but ...just don't think about it.

so what do you think of that ?

breath wrote:


Being honest about these things is what's going to help you get through it.

It's great you had the courage to post about what you've been through.

--Elyah

thanks !

because it was a very dangerous slip and i was scared it was a fall again ( im terrified of the fall)

today i was proud.

i used to think that i m a pervert.a twisted man.a broken jewish.a failure.

I rode the gye book but i don't understand, admit what it says.

today i understood that im doing what im supposed to do (about the fight).

i didnt failed my life.i was just put inside my war.

now its my job to win.

now the fight has a new taste

a taste of joy, of happiness, its like...when you go to Disney land by car.you are not arrived but you are just happy because you know where you going and it will be enjoyable.

then later i wanted to saw innapropriate things but i smiled.you know why ? because i knew what i have to do, that im born just to choose to look away.

i did it.i look away

and i smiled more...

breath wrote:


what I think??? my friend and don't just say that in jest I say wow wow wow you are a lot stronger then you believe. You give me tons of chizick. Hatzlacha on your journey Thank you for sharing.

breath wrote:


It's sort of like those old coffee makers before the days of instant coffee--just takes a while to percolate.

Part of recovery is the ideas and practical solutions in the handbook, but a big part of it is the help and support you get from reaching out to other people in recovery.

--Elyah

Eye.nonymous wrote:


There's a reason that coffee in those "old coffee makers" tastes much better. It NEEDS to percolate!

BEWARE of anything instant!

hi everyone.

can someone explain me ?

its 2.46 am and i felt after a 10 days streak without reasons.

it was my longest steak and i crash everything for nothing.

i just woke up , want it and felt.just like that.

i ruin everything.

oh G od.10 days ! 10 days !!!! ruins in one minute !! why ??? i m so so so angry !!! for one minute damn it ! one minute !

10 days ! which means at least 100 battles.

why ? i have no reasons ! i was not overwhelming by the urge of acting out ! i just woke up and every remembrance of why i struggle vanished.It was like i forgot everything !!!about the pains, the reasons, the pride everything !

seriously i dont understand ! what happened ? it cant be real...

i hate me.
i hate me.
i regret it so much
i want to scream and yell !
i want to punch me so hard right now !!!!!
crazy stupid idiot...

besides im scared.i dont know why but ...i dont feel good at all.i dont like that .its something différent than the guilt and anger.i feel ...fear

woaw .seriously ! i m really not okay!

im scared to sleep.

oh my...

10 days is not lost. This is a war a war that has been raging for years. Up until now you have been losing miserably. Now you are starting to fight back, you won 100 battles and lost 1. Ok, 99% victory margin is pretty good. 90 days is a nice marker a convenient look and your progress but ultimately meaningless. More precious to me on the 90 day chart is not the length of my streak, but the cummulative days clean.

Go back and read your opening post. You wanted 12 hours of freedom, you just had 240 hours of freedom.

This is a strong force, years of masturbating at the slightest drop of a hat does no go away in a day. You had an urge and you fell. But start again stay clean for that 1 day at a time.

It is not the results that are important in the beginging, it is the process. Keep the process going. Learn the strategies to keep fighting, and the results will happen. Remember those 10 days are yours forever, 100 battles won, that no one can take from you. 100 battles that give so much nachat ruach to Hashem.

KOT

Just focus at one day at a time.

Use this opportunity to get back up! No need to be mad at yourself. Think of it this way: Chachaman has fallen many, many times and is trying to recover. Does one more fall really set Chachaman back to the very beginning? Of course not! It's just a bump on the road that we overcome.

10 days! Wow! I'm in awe!

thank you again my friends !

i was disconneted from gye sunday but now its been 24 hours clean.

on the road again i guess ...

Chavouah tov my friends.
6 says since last fall.

i want to know your opinion.

im 24 and according to my mom and rav, i should get married but should i wait a little longer and get more endurance" or begin the search ?

i mean i know im an addicted and according to Dov, it's a decease that i have to know how to live because it's probably during all my life.

i know that i don't have the strength to stay clean by myself and i need, i will always need the help of Hachem.

so what should I do ?

first commandment in the Torah?

i agree

but i was afraid that my perception of the mariage was twisted,but the truth I study a lot to be sure i do it the right way, I especially like Rabbanit E.Jungreis, heard about her ?