Hi. I am 21 years old, ive learned in the best yeshivos, etc. I have been battling this problem since I was twelve and I feel like I'm ready top throw in the towel. The double life that I'm leading is absolutely killing me. Ive always believed that I could compartmentalize-that I was really a great guy with a side issue that want the real me. But now I have finally realized that it has caught up t me. My learning,which was once top notch, its now in shambles. My life-my dreams, my aspirations, my goals; are all twisted. Ive started for the first time listening to non-jewish music, something that would have been unthinkable just 2 years ago. I have a netflix account and a smartphone. All tihs with a guy who one out the biggest roshei yeshiva in the world said on him "one of the most impressive bochurim in the yeshiva". I was in a position that I served as a "role-model" for younger bochurim- I was to learn with them, encourage them, etc. etc. From the outside, I am one of the "success stories". But inside my heart is in shreds. I am a sham,a fraud. I was recently in a car with a bunch of friends and some questionable music was platting and they turned it off when I came in because of my alleged "frumkeit". I feel like I can go on no longer like this.
Bein hazmaninm started five days ago and I have acted out 3 times already. Im probably chayiv kores and ive lost my prtion in the world top come. I can't say that it is possible for me to quit in the future. My house has unfiltered internet access and there is nothing I could do about it. I feel myself slipping and slipping. Im writing this as an attempt to find something to just grab onto. I dont know, but maybe with marraige thin cd s will vecome easier. For now let this suffice as a eulogy on myself- for what I used to be, the connection to god that I once treasured, and to a life that could have been. I always envisioned myself as some maggid shiur/rosh yeshiva down the road, yet now im questioning if I can ever even have a succesful zman again.

Hello! Welcome!!
Just to calm you down a little bit, many of us here have the same story, and have gotten out of it!!
stick around, read the handbook, and if you really want to you'll find what you need.
and as they say around here "take it one day at a time"
hatzlacha Muflaga!!!

My friend, you ARE a great guy with a side issue.
I know, I know, you feel like this taivah is taking over and changing you.
I know because I lived the double life for 30 years (except for a few years where it wasn't so double ).
I know how unhappy this is making you. I know how conflicted you are.
You are far from alone in this. There are hundreds of us here on GYE and in support groups worldwide who have been where you are and have broken free. It's not easy, but it's do-able and so worth it.

You happen to be crying for help at a very opportune time. Pesach, and specifically 1st seder night, has a special koach to help us break free from the yetzer horah. See my vort here for details:

guardyoureyes.com/forum/13-BEIS-HAMEDRASH/103011-Using-the-Pesach-Seder--the-Arizals-4-step-program-to-break-free#134590

Keep in touch with us here. If you'd like to speak by phone, send me a PM.
You can do this!

--Alex

Welcome and thanks for writing your story!

I have one thing I want to know
Why can't you do anything about the unfiltered internet (even though that is not a final solution because the problem is in our head and only filtering and thinking that is enough is foolish) as guard has written the filter sets up another barrier we have to pass until we enter the shmutz. The same question can be asked why do you have a smartphone and if it is “a must” (is there such a thing as “a must”, I do not know) why is it not filtered too??

What you wrote about being Chayiv Kores, it may be true and many of us here may be chayiv too, but what about your current life, that is the question that needs to be asked. Olem Haboh and Kores can be dealt with after you are sober and the problem at hand is how to do Teshuva. However, right now it seems to me that what needs to be dealt with is the lusting problem and just wipe out of your head guilt, bad feeling and the Kores stuff!

Hoping to see you post a lot more and to see you sober in the future!

Yitzchok

don't give up! take a look around this website. see how many people have similar stories. you are not alone.
NOTHING stands before Teshuva. our connection with Hashem is one of essence. higher than anything. any step you take to be kadosh is Infinitely Precious to Hashem.

Thanks to all you guys for responding to my post. Knowing that there have been those that have overcame this particular issue means a lot. Its just that right now I dont know where to turn. I guess j shiuld read the handbook out something. As to your question yitzchok my parents have devices which wont be filtered and I'm not exactly holding by explaining to them my entire history. Nor is the smartphone a "must", its just km not ready to just throw it away. As pidaini says "one day at a time".

Thanks for the link. Also I dont know what a pm is. You say that youve felt this for almost 30 years. This really scares me for I always reassure myself that when I get married I will easily drop this whole side of me. But I'm sure that you also had a time in your mind that you were definitley going to stop by. It seems that it doesn't just go away that easily.

im also a bochur who's learning in a very good yeshiva so i know exactly how you feel about the double life and how it kills learning.But there is absolutely no reason to think that this problem is unbeatable. you're already on our way to recovery just by joining gye.
about marriage,apparently it dosent really change anything,i was also disappointed when i found out.But we should be really thankful that we're working on it before we get married because it sounds like it just gets more complicated.

a pm is a private message its at the top of the page click on it and you can send a message to anybody by clicking compose and typing their name in the "to:" box

you can find out more about the gye program by clicking on the gye program tab on the top.
and if you have a little extra time then you can read the gye handbook
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/GuardYourEyes%20Handbook.pdf

Don't be dissappointed of yourself bro... Stay positive. Know that Hashem Yitbarach has created you to tell His glory and live in His abundant life. Aleinu leshabeach. You're not created to sin and live a double life... Im ein ani li mi? Hashem fights your fights for only He can beat the y''h. So let go and let G-d. Sheva yippol tzaddik vekum. Let go and let G-d. You and all of us have great things to accomplish, our avodat Shamayim is our goal so what should we do? Have fun and get it done!

Hi,
totally know where you are coming from as i am in the same situation living a lie. but one of the things i find helps me the the most is to talk about it face to face with somebody
(in my case my mashgiach) and you will be suprised he wont throw you out on the spot trust me.

Wecome to the forum LS.

When i was a bochur i thought that when i get married it wont be a problem anymore (and so did my Mashgiach, by the way).

I idenyify alot with living a double life. That was such a heavy burden to carry around.

The guilt, the cycles of hope to despair and back again, the shame etc... It was a very heavy peckel to shlep around.

My life was unmanageable. I was doing things that are against my values, and i was unable to stop.

When i got married my life became even more unmanageable. 1 because my acting out was now hurting other people, and 2 because my forms of acting out eventually became worse.

I thank G-d that today i have a way forward.

WELCOME Losasuru! I see many have already welcomed you. Our stories are all different, and our stories are all the same. Your story is far from unique.

You have come to the right place my friend. Stick around. Many have been far worse off than you, and are in recovery.

Start with the handbook. Keep posting. It will take some time for you to find your way, but you will find it.

We're glad to have you on board!

Losasuru wrote:


Yeah. I had a time in mind -- age 14, then 15, then 18, then when I got married, then when I had a kid, then....

Thinking I'm going to stop at some later time is simply lying to myself.
All I ever have is today.

Marriage for sure doesn't help the addiction at all. Almost everyone I know on this forum that is married will tell you that marriage made it worse. You might think having an "outlet" will make life easier. I assure you, the premise is completely incorrect, and we can discuss that some other time.

Make a decision to have one clean day. Totally clean. Today.

The quickest way to PM someone is to click the balloon under their name/picture.

Losasuru wrote:


Great News Chabibi:

That was not your hespid. The proof is that you haven't given up.

I know how you feel I too was a "top bachur' in a toop yeshiv v'chulei.

I would learn shtark during the zman gave chaburas, etc.(while struggling with shmiras eynayim, hirhurim and masturbation) and when bein hazmanim came, all bloody hell broke loose with the unfiltered internet. (This was in the late 90s before anyone really chapped what was going on). I would learn a geshmack morning seder and then spend every possible minute at my disposal in front of a screen. I would often sit there with the schmutz ad shehigia zman krias shema shel shachris

So yup, I know what your going though.

The bad news is that getting married will not solve the problem. Not if you are an addict. Read through some of the posts and you will see how life as a married sex addict is gehinnum mamash.

Here's the good news. You are not a lost case. You are not hopeless. As you have seen, there are so many people on this forum who have learned/are learning to deal with this in a way that will allow them to live toradig and emmesdig lives that give nachas to hakosh baruch hu.

Take the advice of the mesilas yesharim in perek gimmel. If you want to get out of the maze, follow the advice from the people who have been in the maze before you and have gotten out.

You've come to the right place.

hatzlocho on your journey


Eli