Hello, everyone. I am not new to GYE. I've been receiving the chizuk e-mails everyday, but sometimes I just don't read them. Well, I've been addicted to porn ever since I was a young teenager, and now I am 22. I use WebChaver and K9 on my computer, and WebChaver on my Android. I've always found a way around the system, sometimes to strengthen those loopholes by figuring out a way to block them. But sometimes I've found ways even around those, and when I realize that I'm never really safe, I give in. But I just bought a Google Nexus 7, and I thought that Covenant Eyes would only monitor my apps but not my web activity (because on the phone, it only monitors the stock browser). Well, I just checked the report online and I shook to the core when I realized that my secret is out. My brother-in-law and sister (my chaveirim) will be getting the report tomorrow with the headline "close review recommended" and I am very fearful of the negative feedback I will get from everyone if they read that e-mail. I need help! I know that acting out and viewing porn is wrong, but I have this urge that sometimes I cannot control well enough. I long for the day when what happened to me many years ago would happen again. I had an urge to look at porn, and I went to the mezuzah, placed my hand on it, grabbed the doorpost, and begged HaShem to remove the urge from me. And I had never felt closer to HaShem that the moment where all of a sudden, the urge just dissipated. It was like something was pulled from my chest. I knew that HaShem was listening, but now I am very afraid. What used to be between me and HaShem is now going to be known (if they see the e-mail). What am I to do?! I'm supposed to be studying for mid-terms now, and the fear of them finding out tomorrow may prevent me from studying properly. But worse, I fear that I will still be an addict. Please, help.

Hi FG!

welcome.

I hate to be cynical, but this may actualy be a great thing for you

our disease thrives in secrecy

now you can be open and fight it as a team!

Good luck with studying

Remember this is the Ratzon Hashem!

First of all, i want to tell you that i really feel for you and understand your nervousness about you relatives finding out.i know that its really embarrassing and can only imagine how i would feel if the same thing happened to me.However like mr. emunah said this might be good for you.

Second,maybe you should talk to whoever is going to find out before they even get the email and explain the problem that you have, and ask them not to tell anybody about it (unless there would be a toeles). if you explain the problem before they find out then you can present it to them the way you want to instead of them finding out and thinking all sorts of things before you speak to them. first impressions help or hurt alot. another benefit oof doing this now is that maybe after you tell your sister about the problem itll also be easier to study trust me a confession feels good afterwards.

Third, you ended off saying that you fear that you will still be an addict, whether your're an addict or not is not something to fear the problem is there and this is not going to change it. if you are an addict then accept it (its not your fault its a sickness) and work accordingly and if you aren't an addict you still have a problem that you have to deal with and with hashem's help you will

also trying to find loopholes to fix might not be the best idea. this reminds me of years ago when i decided to go onto a p*** website and shut the browser to show hashem how i'm not going to fall even if im in the same situation you can guess how that turned out...

anyway good luck and we're all here for you

Hi Frum Guy. WELCOME! I can totally relate, except I got caught suddenly. You have to wait. I'm sure it is reeeealy tough. I was caught by my wife, who was more upset at me that I imagine your sister or brother-in-law will be.

From what I have experienced and from what I have read on this forum, getting caught is reeealy painful at first, but it is a reeeealy big blessing in the long run.

Use this opportunity to come clean, admit your mistakes, and get help. I don't know anything about your relationship with your brother-in-law, but maybe he is someone you can speak with honestly. You should definitely speak with someone you trust. My wife and I both met with our rav and although it was embarrasing, it was one of the best things I did. He gave me a hug, and gave both of us much needed chizzuk.

I don't know if you can tell your brother in law in advance, rather than him having to confront you. It may be a good idea. He also may be able to prevent your sister from seeing the report. Women in general, do not understand these issues at all. I'm not sure it's a good idea for your sister to see it. Then again, maybe she is an understanding person.

Just my thoughts. I truly feel for you. I have been in a similar place.

I hope you get the help that you need. Keep us posted.

Hi FrumGuy613,

Nice to meet you. My name is Eli

Here's the good news - In the past, getting caught helped me stop.

The bad news - It only helped for a while.

What are you going to do? I remember the feeling in my heart POUNDING knowing that I was going to be confronted.

What you you scared of? That they're gonna post it on Facebook? That they gonna tell others? That they will call you a pervert?

What exactly are you scared of?

Eli

Your brother-in-law might be too busy to read the email or try to understand it. On the other hand he might read it and be someone on this forum who will be the biggest help. Or maybe Hashem knows what He's doing.
I am sure you are very nervous but there is not much that can really go wrong as Eli/reallygettingthere said.

FrumGuy613 wrote:


I do this all the time. You can read my story here:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/102784-How-I-used-GYE--the-Arizals-4-step-program-to-break-a-30-year-lust-addiction

Regarding your shomrim, daven that Hashem should help you get through it in a way that will be helpful and not too embarassing. You're not alone in this. We're all here with you.

Now get studying

--Alex

I'm afraid that, especially since they are members of my family, they will have a permanently different view of who I am as a person. I'm afraid that whenever they look at me or speak to me in the future, they will always be trying to get into my head (wondering what I am thinking when I'm in a room with women), or they may not want to allow me to babysit my nieces, etc. I'm very scared, because I think my reputation will now be scarred forever.

is your relationship with your brother in law good enough to talk to him about it?
because if it is then i think that gibbor120 is right and he would understand you.

The thing is that my sister is very understanding and I would actually be more comfortable speaking to her than to my brother-in-law. But I wouldn't want to speak over the phone. I think to make it less awkward, I should e-mail her tonight before she and my brother-in-law receive the report tomorrow morning. I will still be extremely embarrassed.

maybe she can delete it before ur brother in law sees it
good luck

Well, both my sister and brother-in-law get their own individual reports to their respective inboxes, so I will have to e-mail either just my sister or both of them. I hope HaShem helps me make the right decision.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

I think you are right, b'ezras HaShem. I e-mailed my sister and brother-in-law and my sister was very sympathetic and understanding, and reassured me that I have the support I need and that she didn't think any differently about me as a person. I must thank everyone on this thread for their support in helping me make the first step to recovery. Now I have real accountability, and with HaShem's help, and yours, I hope to be successful in starting a new and pure life.

That is great news! I'm glad you seem to be on your way to getting the help you need!