So I am back from my 2 week hiatus at a yeshiva. It was awesome. I learned a lot which was great and become good friends with the guys there.

But now i am back. Yesterday was good although i did fall last night (but it was after I was a sleep so i guess i started falling while i was asleep, a Lizenhk (is that how i spell it?) reminded me that this isn't a fall). But anyhow i woke up and shrugged it off

Today was there first day of school and whoa. During class i had fantasies and i had jitters. Yikes i was going nuts. It was hard to pay attention. Thank God, I better now but i was in a really bad place and I even said to myself if i wasn't at school I would probably fall.

For a long time now and I finally got around to it, i started reading the AA stories. They are fantastic and i strongly recommend them. One thing that hit me was this beutiful in story: Alcoholic Anonymous Number Three when Bill said:

"I went to this Higher Power that, to me, was God, with­ out any reservation, and admitted that I was com­ pletely powerless over alcohol and that I was willing to do anything in the world to get rid of the problem. In fact, I admitted that from then on I was willing to let God take over instead of me. Each day I would try to find out what His will was and try to follow that, rather than trying to get Him to always agree that the things I thought up for myself were the things best for me."

I love it and that is exactly what I am currently trying to do. I think i have been admitting that i was powerless but did i say i was willing to do anything in the world to get rid of the problem and allow Hashem's will to take over instead of me? Nope. Was i even truly admitting that i was powerless? probably not. I guess its important every day to exactly what Bill is saying: to God: that we are powerless, we are willing to day anything, and to let God take over intend of us. Also everyday, like he said, find out what Hashem's will is and do that.

So today has been a really good day. I spoke to Pidani, messaged with Liz and finally messaged skeptical.

2 notable things came out of these

the first is that i am wayyy to hard on my self. Even if i may a small mistake then I constantly bash myself and most likely end up falling later. I definitely am a perfectionist and i am no where near perfect so i get really stressed and fall. School, life, girls etc they all stress me out.

With Pidani I spoke mostly about telling my Rabbi. Currently its all just cyberspace, all of my efforts. I need someone "real" tahat i will speak to everyday. So i think I am going to tell my Rabbi in the near future

I feel a little bit more free. A little better because of this morning. Step by Step. Thats all it is.

Lastly, Pidani said I have to be honest with my self and this is something i really struggle with.

Today is going well and i hope it will continue to go well

Over my past yearish of actively (kinda) on GYE i finally found something to work on. So many ideas have been thrown at me (a lot of them theoretical) but none i have truly jumped on.

Finally i am taking the plunge. I talked with Skeptical and essentially I have to look at women as people but i don't have to look at them if i don't need to interact at them and even when I do need to interact with them, I should look at them with respect, like any other person. Not to enjoy.

This i think i can work on starting today even. Even if i think of a girl i can do this!

So here it goes! I am so excited, I feel I am actually starting to take concrete steps. No more wishy washy.

Keep those psots coming, let us now how you are doing with your efforts, how you are actually making them solid!! We can use all the experience we can get!!

WAHOO!!!!!

Today I have a research proposal due and i screwed up. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. So it dawned on me on Monday. I did stress and worry but i talked to Skeptical and Pidaini right away and they both calmed down. In fact i have been talking to Skeptical every day this week. So i finished. (I am not sure how amazing it is but I am proud)

Thats not the best news. The best news is I am a WEEK clean. I didn't fall this week even though I usually do when i have big assignments and tests. It feels great. At night, I say to myself what is falling going to do? that won't help me finish my proposal. But reaching out has helped tremendously. Talking to someone everyday has been a big help, I just have to move towards actually talking to someone not just messaging or texting.

So Baruch Hashem!!! I don't know how this week was such a success. I have no idea. Thank you God. Good shabbos everyone, good shabbos!!!!!

GEVALDIG!!!

KUTGW!!!

Computer froze but i screensaver my post. Its attached

Awesome!!!

Great Stuff!!!!

Maybe you are overthinking, but it's still a valid point. I think skeptical calls it negative programming, in that we have told ourselves, since A happened, that leads to be B and then C and I'm a gonner already......it's not true, if I passed A, then I am still in between A and B, and B is still in my control.......One day at a time!!!

KUTGW!!
KOP!!!

Hi everyone!

BH, I am doing very well. Several things have been helping like trying not to tackle my workload but go step by step. BUT i think the biggest thing that has been helpful is having a friend or rather or a mentor. It so valuable to have someone that i ask questions to and share things. It has made such a big difference. We don't live in then same city but i text him almost everyday usually several times a day.

Although I am doing well, that weird phenomenon has come back: subconscious falls/night falls where i start falling while i am a sleep and slowly regain consciousness until it is too late to stop. Essentially I have shrugged these off and kept going. Sticking to my program. Day after day.

My Rabbi is back in town which is great but i think i am going to tell him in the near future. It is very scary but i think it is essential to my growth and so i can have someone that knows me well give me the advice i need.

So thats whats going on in my world. Life is crazy but thats life. We just gotta ride it out and do the best we can

I heard an incredible mashal for my self from R Dovid Kaplan of Ohr Somayach. He said we usually visually kyrias yam suf as the whole sea splitting at once in this whole dramatic way but midrashim say that really the sea split for every step bnei yisrael took!

I have trouble with stress/procrastination. I look at the overall mountain of work that i have to do. But really i shouldn't look at the mountain. All i need to do is go step by step. One baby foot first. So to with bnei yisrael. They came to the edges of the sea surrounded by Egyptians from behind, wild animals to the side and right in front of them, their only hope, was a huge body of water. But they looked down and put one foot forward and the sea split for just that one foot. After countless steps they crossed the huge body of water!

I am fond of saying "easier said than done." But is it so hard just to take one little baby step? Thats all! One more page, one more blatt. Just one step at a time. Thats all it takes.

I had the most gruelling emunah test last night. Essentially someone needed something from me/others and then was going to drive me back from the university. He arrived at 545 (an hour late) and he didn't finish until 715. Then he said he couldn't drive me back to the jewish area of town so he dropped at a bus station.

I was planning on going to 2 things that night which i missed both one then I got home at 845. I was just so distraught. I was speechless. It was so tough. I did reach out to one of the guys here while we were still at the university and he just said calm down, everything is for the best, there is nothing you could do. So eventually, I just dropped everything. I knew i wasn't going to get where i needed to be.

And furthermore it probably WAS for the best. Maybe the reason Hashem did this to me was so i could miss both items on my calendar so i could finish my assignment which is due today.

So last night was tough but i am moving on. I am doing well. Just trying to live everyday: meaning only concentrating on today. What work can i do today? What tests will I have today? When will i see girls today?

Im trying to keeping it to today.

WOW!!

Great Stuff!!

Letting go and letting Hashem, just living the life that Hashem gives us rather than getting all caught up in what is "suppossed" to be is a big thing for me as well. One day at a time....what do I have today? What do I have right now? those are all that count!!

Someone today remarked why i always seem so happy? my reply was why not? Really why not be happy?? Yes i am in college right now. It is tough. I have plenty of readings/assignments to do. I would rather be learning right now in Israel. I am the only frum guy my age in my city. But really???? My life is excellent. Thank God I have those problems. Life is life. It will always be tough. We just have to go with it. We have to take every day in stride. Every day. Just one day at a time. Step by step. Life looks like a mountain. Mount everest is 29, 029 feet high. You know how people climbed it? They put one foot in front of the other. This is what we have to do.

Thank God, life is great.

I came up with a big chiddish. Usually i look at the mountain of work i have to do and then i procrastinate. Then when the time comes for it to be done, i scramble and i get stressed (and i probably fall).

But this time i tried a new thing. Yesterday i said that tomorrow (So today, Friday) I will not do work, I will start my work. "do my work" means complete my work. But how am i ever going to get all that work done? No, i won't do my work. I will start my work. Ill just do what i can today. Ill just begin it. If i get 5 pages done, Great, thats amazing!

Today this really helped me. Its not perfect but who cares about perfect. I did good work today. Thank God. Good shabbos!

Last night was a little rough. I had a night fall again but it felt sooo real. My shmiras eiynaim on shabbos was so not so good so probably to due to that.

But yesterday, was yesterday. Its now today. This whole week i don't have school because people were committing suicide around this time because of stress. Honestly i would probably have been one of them. WOULD. But now i am taking it step by step. I have a ton of work to do. But thats ok. Stressing won't help me. Easy does it.