Hi to everyone. Its great to finally have someone to talk to. Even if there wont be any replies to my post, i feel so good right now - being able to speak out my mind.
When I signed up, my biggest shock was, that there where so many members with status "married"
I don't want to be a Baal Gaava - but i'm one of the top bochrim on the market. Money, goodloooking, smart etc. I learned in the best yeshivos and im considered to be a top bochur. My story starts even before the internet was around. But the internet turned it into a true disaster. My parents are the most loving parents out there. But they still think that the internet is the greatest invention, since electricity. My father watches shiurim on it... I once even asked my mother to lock the computer room, admitting that i l pay games until late. She listened, but it didnt last long.
I started going to yeshivos, far away from the computer room. I was finally free - i thought.. But then there was another great invention: Phones with Internet..
I'm proud to tell you that in the last 3 1/2 I only had Kosher Phones. But i still have major slips. My Last streak lasted about 10 days.
The biggest nightmare is only 11 weeks away: "BEIN HZMANIM" There has been changes in my home, during the time i've been away. New Invention in my House: wifi. Combined with laptops that are lying around. To top things up: I'm the only kid still at home and parents that go to sleep early.
At the beginning it was only ... . But as you maybe know: There is only "up" or "down", "staying the same" - doesn't exist. And let me tell you i've fallen deep. Very deep. I've been in the darkest places{on the net). I feel so rotten inside it feels terrible.
Until two days ago i lived in a illusion: I thought after i get married all that rotten'ness and dirt in me will just melt away. I was shocked to find out i was wrong.
I want to stop, i have tried it so many times. I red the GYE book - in one sleepness night after i "did it" again. Over Shabbos i made a shvua to fast if i fall again this week. I will read the book again. There is something in me telling me this time is different... sounds familiar..

But i wonder, even if i will succeed stopping, even if it will work this time: I've been this way for the past 7+ years. I have devolved to a different person in my sexual thinking. Even if i don't have the inernet, my fantasies are so perverted- i feel that if there would be a chart of all klal yisrael, i would be all the way on the bottom. To satisfy myself i look at the worst things.
So my question is: Will i ever be able to be satisfied with my wife?? Will i ever be able to have a happy marrige?? Will I ever be totally healed?? I'm trembling as i'm writing these words.

I'm going to meron tomorrow. (Because its taanis and i won't have to miss seder)
I will daven for all of you here on GYE. I feel for you and i know the gehinom youre going thru. Thank you hashem for letting me find this wonderful website.

I want to end with a promise: If i will be able to crawl out of this pit, i will offer my help to others.

Dear Avrom,

Your assessment of yourself is sad to read. I relate so much to how you describe the desperate search for porn and the repeated use of it. At the time, it really feels like we need it, right? So frustrating.

But I would wager that the same twisted thinking that tells us that nude pictures are so essential for us and that we can't live without masturbating again, is the same twisted thinking that is telling you that you are the very worst person of Klal Yisroel. I believe you are at least as worthy of Hashem's love and care as I am, your rosh yeshivah is, or anyone else.

Does a good, healthy father love his son any less because his behavior is dissapointing? No. So Hashem loves you and wants you so much all the time, plans for help to come to you, and works for you all the time. Even while you are acting in a destructive way.

Morality assessment changes based on our behavior. If you want to live more morally, then it will take real work. Not hard work - but uncomfortable work. Reacting differently is uncomfortable. Reacting the same way you have till now - even if it feels like 'kedusha', is just a recipe for the same result. And you are hoping for different, now.

Remember that the problem will never be the internet - it never was, as you pointed out. And it never will be. The only problem is in you. The way you respond to real life needs to change. Bot just to your sexuality, but to life. And the presence of porn at home and the porn 'shmorgasbord' of the unfiltered internet was never the problem, either. Your lust is, and how you face it.

Being at home for bein hazmanim means a lot more than just 'having the troubling internet there'. To you it may really mean:
1- having your parents there,
2- being a child again instead of a man again,
3- being out of your particular s'vivah of kedusha and simcha,
4- focusing on beating your porn habit day and night again...
all may be huge obstacles for you to overcome. Why minimize it and pretend it is just 'my big yetzer hora' again. It's probably part of a pattern and a picture, since this has been a long struggle for you.

Facing those things (if they apply to you) and planning real strategies for how you will be"H:
1- keep your simcha,
2- stop focusing on your 'kedushas habris' (really just a nice way to say "your penis"),
3- remain a man and not revert to feeling like that same kid who grew up masturbating or sneaking games, porn, or whatever, while you were growing up in your parent's home -
is far more worthwhile than any visits to Meron, tvilos in any mikvah, and any klopping of al cheit, in my opinion. Especially if they were the old way you responded to difficulties in life and the availability of porn.

One more thing:

Smile at the mikvah the next time you go! (except if you are looking at another guy there - that can weird people out! )

Is my wife enough... Happy marriage?

Well, after being sober for some time, she really is. Hm, happy enough!?

For me enough means, that I make love to my wife with a feeling of love, like I want to make her happy, I want her to feel wanted, loved, yes beautiful. That I am thinking of her. That for me is really beautiful, to feel so relaxed, to be so sober, that there is no other thought, but the thought of her.

sounds good

Avrom wrote:


Update: HI, this is my first bein hazmanim that didn't turn in to a nightmare(so far)! Ever! As far back as can remember I never lasted more than 24 hours during bein hazmanim!
One of the main reasons to my success (so far) are: NO MOVIES BY MYSELF. Usually i would watch (no shmutz) till about 2:30am - got attracted by watching a stunning actress or simply would get depressed because i just wasted soooo much time. THEN tried to comfort myself with porn, felt even worse and try to wash that feeling away with another movie. Then the cycle begins again until the morning comes. (can anyone relate?) So "no movies by myself" kills step 1!!
(To stop completely, would backfire in my case - i cant just walk out on other people watching, specially if my mother is watching a clip and wants to show me how funny....)

I know i'm still in the lions den, i just wanted to share with other "bein hazmanim opportunists."

YOu are taking better care of a precious and unique man named Avrom.

Y'yasher kochacho and we remember that one day at a time is definitely good enough for all of us. I hope you don't start 'holding your breath till the end of the trip', OK? As soon as you start to see that u r holding your breath, I hope u consider reaching out, give up the 'treasure' of treading water again in our schmutz, resentment, self-centered fear, wallowing in our old trusty friend self-pity, or whatever you particularly tend to obsess about...(as you described so well)...and move on with the good life.

It is geshmak being clean today (as you described so well again)!

Nice moves.
I agree that the key for bein hazmanim success is gedarim. Stick with your commitments and don't compromise. If your mother shows you something with a woman in it, tell her respectfully that you're really trying not to look at women.

As you have discovered, this whole thing is so much easier if we avoid that first slip. Actually, it's the only way I know.

Do take it one day at a time. That's all we ever get anyway.

Wishing you a Chag that is TRULY Kosher V'sameyach

Alex

Avrom, I am so proud of you and how brave you are in dealing with this challenge. Ashrecha that you are dealing with this now. I waited way too long and envy your courage to deal with this now as you approach shidduchim. I have a daughter to marry off and I would be proud to have her marry a true mevakesh like yourself. B"H I have a wonderful daughter and all the good boys want us. Imagine how scary it is for me to give my daughter to a bochur when I have no idea what is going on behind the yeshivishe facade. I would consider myself lucky knowing that my eidim is working on improving himself in earnest. Everyone has nisyonos but only some of us are brave enough and ehrlich enough to make a serious commitment to our avodas hashem. B'ezras Hashem, you will make a wonderful husband and father and be a true source of nachas to your wonderful parents.

Amen! Thanks for the chizuk! Seeing your post almost made me cry,
Because very sadly i just had a fall... it started when I got lost in amazon.com - that happened chol hamoed. However i still wasn't nichshal in mzl at that point. Then realized that I would have to restart my count. My taphsik expired on pesach and my Kabbala not to watch movies was also only until pesach. With no safeguards in place.... And the the yetzer hora telling me "even if you fall once - compared to your record you'll still be tzadik" The teiva was burning within me - I gave in. I lost this battle.
Over yom tov I was thinking about things I will post - to give others chizzuk, but in turn of these events, I'm in no place to do so.
It feels like many of those motzei Yom Kippur - when I'd feel so uplifted.... and crash - seemingly far lower than ever before..

Thanks again for your warm words but as you see.. you might want to reconsider your wish.

That was the only time you've been nichshal this ENTIRE bein hazmanim! That's amazing! Think back to previous bein hazmanims- how many times did you fall then? You can't stop completely that quickly- but this is a strong step in the right direction. Hatzlacha!

Avrom,

How is it going now?

it was not clear in your post; are you married now?

what have you done that has worked for you?

bein hazmanim is coming soon...although we have some big days before us now.

Dov said something profound today (he probably said many profound things, but one that caught my eye): Don't worry about a happy and sweet new year. focus on a good Rosh Hashanah; God will take care of the year.

b'hatzlachah

Thanks for bringing this back to life cordnoy. (Even after I started WW3 with you )

I'm still not married. In my low twenties.
What helped me so far, is talking to others, by cooking tcholent, but mainly by opening up to others by oink and chat. Since I started, I always fell after about a month.. (Now I'm holding at about 35)
I also to daven to hashem, when I feel lust. I know that I cannot control lust, even a little bit will kill me. And in emergency cases (that is if I already slipped) call a friend.

Just to put this in perspective, in the past I never:
-Made it to 40 days
-Never ever stayed clean on motzei yom kippur (night)
-never lasted thru a bein hazmanim

All this is coming at me in the next few days.

But this is the first yom kippur that I will not say "never again!" Is this tshuva? I'm not sure.. Will I feel reborn and fresh? Maybe not..
But I think hashem understands if, for now, I take it "One day at a time"

Big time brachah for hatzlachah

you are mowin' em' down!

Let's make a plan for Motzei Yom Kippur
Map it out in advance.

I am offering my services, but I am sure there are plenty of others here who would do the same.

Please pm me for details.

Thanks

How about scheduling some phone calls during the historically "tough" times? If you know you are calling ppl after yom kippur and during bein hazmanim, it should help.

cordnoy wrote:


That's when you should be busy with your Sukkah (or your neighbor's or your relative's). You can come help me with mine.

Hatzlacha

MT