The 12-step program doesn't say that you have to think about your problem all the time. All methods of recovery eventually require that you start acting like a healthy person. A healthy person doesn't obsess about a problem, instead he acts as if he doesn't have one.

I once went to the dentist and there was an attractive hygienist there who spent half an hour cleaning my teeth, bending over my face at close range. I think she was one of the women I have been the most attracted to in thirty years. I had to keep reminding myself that I did not need to think about sleeping with her. I smiled and was courteous and acted as if I did not have a care in the world.

An idea would be to follow the 12 steps. However add a 13th step when you don't need to think about it anymore .

I think because of the behaviors SA requires you cannot take that step in the context of SA. Every time you call your sponsor, every time you "give it up to G-d" you reinforce the secret belief that you cannot beat this on your own.

Asei L'cha rav, Tnei lcha chaver- Perkai Avot
Acquire for yourself a Rabbi, and have proper friends. I don't think you are ever supposed to have to deal with life on your own. You should be able to move on to other topics. Throughout life are struggles are always changing.
I guess i don't know all of the rules of the 12 steps.
I think you should always have someone to talk to, I am just not sure if it has to be your same sponsor on SA.

I guess most people prefer to call other addicts because they are in the same boat.

I can definitely understand only be willing to talk to other addicts. I myself still can't bring myself to talk to anyone. This is the first time through an anonymous forum that I am able to express my struggle.
Thank you!!

Shlomo,
Sounds like you have some good ideas and a healthy attitude.
The 12 steps have been very helpful to millions in overcoming various addictions.
Once you're sober and well into recovery you can decide where to go from there.
I relate to wanting to move on and stop thinking about my addiction.
I have found a balance that works for me, and I'm confident that if you pursue recovery with sincerity, asking Hashem for guidance, assistance, and, at times, outright intervention, you will find your path.

Have a wonderful Shabbos Kodesh with your family.

Alex

shlomoanonymous wrote on 25 Oct 2012 23:44:

After the firstr step, the 12 step program has nothing to do with talking about sex. It mostly has to do with learning to live in a healthy way, so that you do not need to talk or obsess about sex at all. You may want to join one of the 12 step phone conferences.

Talking to people that understand you, can definitely go a long way. I think that was the most important step for me. The more real, the better. Phone is better than the forum. Live is better than the phone.

I like what i am hearing. I have stayed clean for 72 thanks to everyone. I think the phone calls would be good for me just scared to speak as i might get recognized. I think next week i will listen it. I have also descided to join a accountability group. I will give the 12 steps a go and i will see what happens.

It's like a roller coaster... the scariest part is going up the lift hill. After that... it's all fun. Ok, maybe not all fun, but it doesn't seem scary any more. It only seems scary before you try it. Everyone is nervous... once they do it, they wonder what took them so long. Hatzlacha Rabbah!

I don't really understand the first step. I believe I have control over my actions. the fact that right now I am choosing not to masturbate and watch a movie is still in my hands. I have a yetzer harah that I have fueled for to long. I need to stop and if I stop long enough and for the right reasons I believe I can overcome my temptation.
It says you are not given a test that you can't handle. So we have a big test but we should also have the strength to win?

shlomoanonymous wrote on 24 Oct 2012 17:41:


shlomoanonymous wrote on 26 Oct 2012 18:17:


That was quick!

MT

Without getting into hashkafa or philosophy, on a practical level, the first step means:

If I face lust head on, I will lose. I can not look at a provocatively dressed woman (and that's all women, it's all provocative to my sick mind) and I cannot entertain sexual thoughts without it leading to a loss of control. My only hope, therefore, is to avoid it. Just like the alcoholic can't drink even one half glass of beer.

And as MT wittily alludes to immediately above, when we look at our actions, our (decades long) history of losing battle after battle, of all the warped thoughts we entertained, all the degrading images we viewed, how low and out-of-character we have stooped to get our fix, we realize that [insert step 1 nusach here].

I see the contradiction in my words. I obviously still need help to overcome my problem. I also now better understand the first of the 12 steps. i don't think I or most people for that matter have the ability to look at an attractive women and think about sex and not loose control. I definitely need to stop looking and thinking the wrong things.
But practically what does it mean. I should except the fact that I have Yetzer Horah. I know that. The question is how do I not give in. When I say I have control over my action. I mean that I should have control over my actions. I might not be there yet but hopefully soon.

Alex put it well. A "normal" person can indulge a little and not lose total control. An addict can't "afford" to indulge, since it will (almost) always lead him to lose control. It is within our bechira not to look, or not to fantasize. The seforim say, that is our main bechira. Once we crossed that line (using our bechira), what happens after that to a large extent is beyond our bechira, we lose control.

See the Ohr Hachayim in the recent chizzuk email or here: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Images/ohr-hachayim.gif .