Overcoming,

Wow you're in a tough spot there. I have to concur with the others, you have no choice but to break it off completely with him. It's a wonderful bit of Hashgacha that he's moving away just now. But I can only imagine the pain you are going through. Baruch Hashem I have never gotten involved at that level, i doubt i could survive that test...

As far as the day-to-day shemiras einayim... I am working at this for over a year and it is still the hardest part for me. It's a constant, daily struggle. but it is really the most important thing. It all starts with the eyes. And the battle for the eyes is the front lines of this war, where the "rubber meets the road".

And yes we are trapped on the wrong side of the mechitza. There really are no Halachos for people like us. We are forced to be with and interact with the very people who are our worst problems. So we need to make up our own rules and just use common sense. For instance in shul i now try to find a seat where my field of view is limited, like in a corner and away from the door. And I take off my glasses as much as possible. In the street I have to wear the glasses, but i try to limit my vision to what i need to see for safety, and not look around and people-gaze. And I have to watch what i read, the most innocent things for most people can be intensely triggering to me.

I spoke to a big Adam Gadol a few months ago and I asked him, am I Mechuyav to isolate myself from the world in order to avoid my triggers? Should I stop going to Shul? Can I never go to a Chasuna again? He answered that I am not required to do that, it would not be fair to my family and it would only increase my sense of isolation that is such an important part of causing this. He said I should just live life normally and take the Nisyonos as they come and Hashem will help. Obviously not to deliberately put myself in a triggering situation that is not necessary. I kind of expected that answer, but it made me feel better knowing that it's on his "Pleitzes", and I don't have to feel guity about being exposed to all the unavoidable triggers in my day-to-day life.

So get to work, figure out your fences and do your best to stick to them. And Daven, Beg hashem to take away your lust, and your NEED to lust. And read the handbooks and emails, the principles of recovery are really the same for everyone.

Much Hatzlacha, we are in this together!

Gevura!

All your guys help is great. Gevura- about your point, it is a really big question how much gedarim we need to set up. Can I go on a hike with some guys where I know there is a good chance we will go swimming in the lake or nachal- Yes I don't mind looking at them but rarely would looking at my friends shirtless make me fantasize about them. I do feel spiritual and pure when I go to the Mikva and even though the guys there are naked, I don't think about them after nor do i gaze at them during. Again I don't mind seeing them, but I think it is overall a spiritual experience going to the mikvah- am I rationalizing? should I cut it out? Is there anything wrong with playing basketball with the guys? Do I just need to face these things as challenges? I think that in learning and davening taking off my glasses and just focusing in my Sefer and my chavruta is not only good for keeping my mind on approriate things it also obviously helps me concentrate.

My other question is- I saw this posted in a different forum but I didn't really understand the answer he got. I feel like while thank God I am not looking at inapproriate pictures or doing things I shouldn't be, I am thinking about the issue a lot. I'm not sure if it's more than I would have if I wasn't on GYE, and I am definetely sure that it is helping, but it is bothering me that I am thinking about it so much.
What do you guys think?

Lust is a package deal. We're either
A) enslaved to it,
free of it, or
working to get from A to B.

The less lustful stimuli we have in our day, be they external or internal, the easier it is to break free, "be sober" as we say.

As Gevura so eloquently stated, the battle for the eyes is the front lines of this war.
The second front is our minds -- what kind of thoughts we entertain. In active addiction, my head was swirling with extremely lustful images and fantasies. In my earlier years, these were quite pleasant to me. But as I matured, and tried to get closer to Hashem, they intensified, became intrusive and relentless. I couldn't turn them off.

I understand now that I am addicted to the little pleasurable sensations these images and fantasies produce -- the release of pleasure chemicals in my brain. I am addicted to lust in all its forms.

To break free, I knew I needed to cut off these two major sources of the lust drug -- what my eyes saw and what images would be given parking spaces in my mind. Gevura has given you great, hard-learned advice regarding shmiras eynayim for your nisayon.

For the mental images, I use this tefilla, based on the Steps:

"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask You to please heal me from this illness of lust. I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife. Take my lust. Please, take my lust.”

I say this as soon as I detect a lustful thought trying to take a hold of my mind. In the beginning, I needed to say it dozens of times a day.

I find that if I've been exposed to lustful stimuli, no matter how mild, the addiction kicks up again and I find myself needing to deflect lustful thoughts more often. Conversely, (after an initial sobering-up period), when I'm very good at avoiding all lustful stimuli, my mind is at peace. That's my litmus test for what's OK and what's not.

In the beginning, I would recommend "when in doubt, do without," without going to an extreme and isolating yourself, as Gevura was advised. You'll need to be very honest with yourself. Very, very honest. And honesty is a new skill for an addict.