Zaidy, great toolbox you got
a ksiva vechasima tova

Machshovo Tova wrote:

Are you baking or being Mr fix it, make up your mind

When you reach my age you'll understand. Meanwhile repect your elders and pretend you understand.

Anyhow, in my shop, we try to bake with the best ingredients. But sometimes it flops anyhow and we need the right tools to fix it.

Hatzlacha

MT

Ah gut yohr to all!

Yesterday (Yom Kippur) I saw a vort and I said to myself, "I must share this with the GYE chevra. The Izhbitzer Rebbe zt"l said: Why do we start Yom Kippur with Kol Nidrei (anulling our vows)? And he explained: All year long we tried dealing with our YH and our 'taivos'. We make all kinds of Nedarim and Gedarim to ensure that our desires do not get out of hand. As we approach Yom Kippur, we surrender. We admit that we are powerless. We acknowledge that without Hashem we cannot take even one tiny step. So first thing, we lay down our arms and annull our vows, to show that 'we' are not in charge. Only Hashem can help us, if we let Him.

Hatzlacha!

MT

I had a similar vort: The mishna says, K'nidrei reshaim neder, k'nidrei ksheirim lo omar klum [I think that's the lashon]. The meforshim explain that reshaim are always making nedarim to ward off the evil inclination, while ksheirim have no use for nedarim and so do not make vows. It follows that when someone makes a vow "k'nidrei reshaim", it's a proper vow, but "k'nidrei ksheirim" doesn't exist!
This is why we annul our vows [and make such a big deal out of it], we endeavor to turn into the sort of person who doesn't need vows!

I am a 58 year old BT , married with grandchildren. Since the age of 11 , I have used masturbation as an escape from any stress and problem in life.

I saw my first porn flic at the age of 18 and was hooked at that age to reading porn I visited every dispensor of porn in NYC and the greater NY area for many years ,read porn, and indulged my need to masturbate on a daily basis .

The end of Times Square as a porn capital of the US coupled with the easy access afforded by the web merely meant that I could read, watch and print anything that we would all agree was prohibited by the Torah. It really impacted adversely on my relationship with my Eshes Chayil.

When she discovered my latest collection in the house Motzaei Shabbos Nachamu, which I secreted in my chest of drawers in lour bedroom, she confronted me with my addiction . It was either our marriage or my addiction. I decided to toss the collection, which I did the next day. I drove to an isolated garbage can, rolled down the window, and tossed everything there-which I did on previous times as well.

The difference is that I sought help from a great therapist, who let me talk out my feelings, my wife's amazing understanding of my addiction, and the amazing discovery that porn and masturbation are no substitute for a great relationship with one's wife which is phsyically consummated behind closed and locked doors.

I have been clean since that Motzaei Shabbos, and I hope to continue to be clean.

The emails inspire and remind me that I am not alone , and that by sharing each other's ups and downs in this Milchemes Mitzavh that we can win this war against ourselves and the decadent world that we live in that celebrates the abnornal.

Let me add the following biographical details. I am MO, but I definitely have Yeshivishe leanings .

For the last ten years, on the Yamim Noraim, I have been davening from the Machzor Mesoras HaRav , which is based on the teachings of Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchik ZL, the Rosh Yeshiva of Yesivas Rabbeinu Yitzchak Elchanan ZL. Rav Soloveitchik ZL said in 1971 in the pre Internet era, the following:

"I have often encountered a very strange phenomenon in modern society. There is a certain openness to modern man. He has no modesty. Modern man will often publicly discuss intimate details of his life. Somehow, he is not embarassed to pick up subjects or discuss topics or problems whioch should belong in the realm of his private intimate life. Modern man lacks Tznius, modesty.

This is so because modesty entails concealment. Modern man, hoswever, is basically a man-thing. He experiences himself as a thing, as an object, as something concrete. Everything about him is on the surface. Thus, there are no secrets. There is no privacty. There are no intimate phases in modern man's life.

That is why modern man is burdened with the curse of pornogra[phy. Pornography has existed since man was created. It as ancient as man himself and results from man's degenerate imagination. Modern pornography is unique in that the legislatures wish to legalize it. Powerful rampant forces in our society assert that the prohibition againat pornographic literature is in conflict with constitutional liberties, with free speech. This phenemoena has occurred since modern man experiences himself as man-thing, as man-object, and is, thus, open and vacuous. ( Noraos HaRav, Vol. 15, Page 114).

Rav Soloveitchik ZL also commented on why we read Parshas Arayos at Mincha on the Yom HaKadoshm of Yom HaKipurrim:

"Egypt and Canaan are mentioned specifically because these nations represented the two poles of secular civilization in Biblical times. Egypt was the most urbanized and technologically advanced civilization of the time, while Canaan was pastoral and primitive. The Torah emphasizes here that as different as they were from each other, nbeither of these fundamentally immoral societies should serve as role models. The essential message of the Torah reading during Mincha on Yom Kippur is that if we do not separate from the nations, we can become corrupt and impure ( Before HaShem, Pages 157-158, quoted in Mesoras HaRav Machzor for Yom Kippur at at P.688.)"

My challenge is to implement the above teachings every day, no matter what. As Rav Soloveithik ZL also noted , quoting Ibn Ezra on Lo Sachmod, we are commanded to be in control of our emotions and desires-no matter what the circumstances,

A prominent Modern Orthodox rav posted the following as his Rosh HaShanah drasha-Must reading for anyone interested in comprehending the decadence surrounding us. myemail.constantcontact.com/Feeling-Shame-in-a-Shameless-World.html?aid=yfbIZlvY0gs&soid=1101432890990

I'd like to share the following observation:

I often wonder whether the lust will eventually subside with old age (hasn't happened yet - maybe I'm young at heart).

But recently I reminded myself of what the sforim say that when a person's time comes, and he comes face-to-face with the angel of death (who also happens to be the Y"H), the person emits some zera and becomes impure. And maybe the pshat is that this wicked menuval tries to get a person even at the last moment. So he gives him a shot of lust that's strong enough to be motzi zera. So that would mean that lust is alive and kicking until our last breath.

Boruch Hashem we do not become 'uver ubootel' with age. We can continue this holy avodah all our life.

Hatzlacha,

MT

You're obviously not that old or you wouldn't be able to use this thingamajig website.

I'm not afraid of zera, nor of Hashem, nor of what's gonna be at my last moment. Hashem is with me, period - whether I have zera levatola or not. No one else has power over me, period. And be"H one day I will not be afraid of death, either.

It's an aveira to be afraid of Hashem, of course. As though He could ever be evil to us or to anyone.

He cannot. Just like He cannot get the flu and die, He cannot be bad, either. So I have nothing to fear from Him. He is only good, and CAN only be good to me, ultimately.

So even sperm doesn't scare me.

My wife is afraid of sperm (also man hair.)

It did not help when I said that our kids came from there.

Dov


BEAUTIFUL, Dovaleh. Simply beautiful!

Ploni, fear of sperm is a real problem. Not because of philosophical reasons or what it 'means', but because I assume you mean it seriously, so I ask you, in what ways does she demonstrate this fear?

Is it of the sperm itself, or of getting pregnant from it? And regarding the fear of male hair, does she have a real phobia?

If it is a phobia, some would suggest getting professional help. But if by 'afraid' you really mean that she doesn't like it, then I wonder how that has affected your sexual life. It sounds like it would affect the way you and her can or cannot enjoy each other's bodies. That's a thing I'd get help for, myself. And my wife and I have gotten help for some things. There is no shame in that, brother.

You agree? Have you been there already?

It's not so much fear as revulsion. She does not enjoy my body and I think she feels "yucky" when she feels sperm coming out, or if she touches it. Usually I touch her, which she does like. She hates cleaning the bathroom so much because she doesn't like the hair. I think she feels like vomiting. So I clean it part of the time.

I do miss having a woman who wants to please me, but I don't even think about it any more. Often women enjoy a certain amount of power they have over men in bed, my wife is not like that.

Therapy can help but only if you think that something needs to be corrected. My wife thinks that man stuff is disgusting and that it's normal to think that.