Hi guys,

So I havent been here in a while

Part of that was due to my no computer commitment and then the rest was due to shame.

My family and I went on a family trip and it was one of the most stressful and unenjoyable days Ive had in my life. My blood was boiling from all the fighting that happened (did I mention my parents and I dont see eye to eye on certain issues) I got into an upset "I just dont freaking care anymore about anything" mood and started looking at whatever was walking by. I stopped a couple times feeling like this is so gross and beneath you but I was so upset and I guess the mood and it didnt matter. Then I got home knowing that I had a tremendous urge to watch p** and I KNEW it wasnt the p*** I was desperate for an escape. So I tried a diversion. I had the laptop out and my last ditch effort was to watch a movie and tire myself out and go to bed. A kids movie. It didnt work. After I just kind of had a "IM Higata ad kan az.." "V'IM higata ad kan az..." and I was upset. I watched. I figured I would only watch for a little and I was up for a couple of hours at least. Then the next day I had so much tension I did "stage 2" barely thinking.
So at this point I owe my friend 100 bucks. Man Im BROKE! lol ok
Call him up we make a deal If I make it till motzei shabbos clean. Then Im in the clear.

OK so I showered looked around at all my things I have to do and felt like Hey I want to live in reality not this dream world make me sick place (of course its so easy to say right after) oh and also since I had a fall a week ago it was easier I think because normally I would be repeating my day count to myself as motivation but I didnt have that this time. If im in the mud I might as well enjoy. :- thats the sick me thinking.

Oh ya I am definetally sick addict whatever you want to call it. After all this time learning and working on myself and changing myself I go so low so fast so deeply its crazy. Im still not going to introduce myself as a lust addict though (Hi my name is "____" and Im a raging sexaholic no thank you lol )

So now a day or two later last night and this morning.
Similar story no fighting though, just crazy urges and me with the computer (did I mention that I stupidly repeated my mistakes over and over again??? ) so Ill just watch this and then Ill just watch and etc. and the next morning etc. one change. last night I DID text my friend and told him Im having crazy urges. I felt better for literally a minute. I shouldve called and I should ask him to encourage me to step away from the computer if im ever in that situation. I got the urge AFTER the texts AGAIN and BLAH!

hm. so today I hit a bottom.... again. How many times do I have to come down here?? So on account of my new slate and fresh start I finally got around to making a schedule for my afternoons. (didnt stick to it today though oy! so frustrating!)

Oh I didnt post here out of shame by the way. Ive been bumped off my high and mighty pedestal and been infused with some humility.. well I dont know If I would call it humility but I see how sick I am, like I mentioned before. I think also Ive been made aware of the strength of this addiction to a greater degree. It strikes fast and hard. And before you know it your gasping for breath. Kind of like spiderman. except its totally different.

So fresh start today. Thanks to the GYE chevra man who encouraged me to stay connected here, may the embarrassment of me having to write this spare me from some of the yisurim that I have to get for the sin.

Im going to try to be more aggressive in my recovery moving forward. Maybe eventually an SA meeting would be appropriate.

hmm. Any comments are surely appreciated and duly noted and and and hm.

Just trying to think if I left out anything here, ok guys remind me if I did. hm..

Why am I writing "hmm" so much?? hmm.... a curious case.

I think Im in a very good mood right now from writing this.

OH YAAA -Kool Aide Man style!!!

and all JustKeepGoings are appreciated as well.. No dont worry its not overdone

Just Keep KOMTing!

Hey you Mister, do I understand it right, that I owe further 4 euroz to tzedoke because of YOU? grr.

And btw. (I KNOW the public will be moyche beyodi, but stil)

Shloyme hamelech berov chochmosoy didnt say "sheva yipol tzadik und he understood that he is a pathetic addict and he stood up and went to a SA meeting. "
So, you had a couple of nefilos, which is bad, very bad, actually its terrible. but from this 2-3 nefillos you understood finally that you are an addict?? es shtayt vekam! stand up, and keep on going (trucking, cholnting, kugeling, tomato dipping, zamboiing (whatever it means.) and whatever.)

hmm.... i dont say you should refreain from going... you decide. adraba if it helps, do it. i am just wondering how easy people say that they are addicts.
maybe I just dont understand life, its very likely. just wanted to share my oppinion, objections are welcome.

chatzlocho, and KOBT

For one thing you can quit watching porn by telling yourself that you still want to be a frum yid, you want to get married, and when you watch porn it changes the way you view women. Your wife is going to know what you are thinking about when you are having relations. If you are lucky she will bring it out into the open, if you're unlucky, which is the usual case, she won't and it will just withdraw. Then you'll wonder why she is not in the mood.

Just make up your mind that porn is out. You can still get relief without porn when you need it. When you are masturbating think to yourself "just because I am sinning doesn't mean I am allowed to do porn."

Thanks for the KOMTING and Im not quite sure Im going to keep tomato dipping...

I kind of unofficially quit the accountability group does that work? By the amount of money you owe tzedoka on the bottom of your posts RT I think it might be better to leave me out of the group, I never really updated it anyways so...

To admit Im an addict has NOT been easy I still dont want to call myself that, I dont like the label.. but in the end of the day the way I relate to lust has been in an addictive fashion.

What I understand from certain people on this forum "addict" or not doesnt even matter. What it means to me is that I have a problem with lust in an addictive fashion. When I start I cant stop and I have an urge to start as my escape from stress or whatever. So you can call it "A Lust Problem" or whatever you want but I need to deal with the problem with a lot of help.

I relate to almost everything in Elyas Big Book Thread so..

-es shtayt v'kam is EXACTLY what Im doing! Im not giving up or quiting, giving in to despair whatever, I just realized its sickening how I wont get out of this on my own or without doing some serious work so I iz gonna try gosh-darn-it!

nederman..
sup.

I tell myself those things all the time it just doesnt mean anything when Im in that "I dont care about anything and want to wreck myself" mood. And I will definetaly try to review that next time I have a nisayon.

Can you explain that last line? I dont understand.

Something to think when you feel the urge to use porn. Think "just because I am really aroused doesn't mean I am less culpable for using porn."

hi KeepOnGoingDude,

notwithstanding your aversion to tomato dip, i would like to add my
KOMT
KOSinging
KOZamboniing
and achron chaviv KeepOnGoing

remember [s]Albany[/s] [s]Reyjavik[/s] [s]New Square[/s] bnei Brak was not built in a day
keep taking small steps in the right direction
כל אשר תמצא לעשות בכחך עשה
wishing you much hatzlocha
zs

p.s. thanks for keeping the fun section going, sometimes singlehandedly. t'is important to not take everything too seriously...

Ah I understand what you mean now. The problem is I dont WANT to think/I want to fall when I have such an urge. Im not talking about stam an urge btw... in that case I would have an easier time, just like I want to do ..whatever it is, but thats asur so I wont do it. But when I have the urge and im in a depressed/angry/"want to wreck myself" mood I dont THINK nor do I WANT to think.

Thank you very much ZS
Sometimes after a fall I dont feel like I have the right to be happy as if nothing happened but I think this time Im going to not dwell and rock on.

Well, you can leave tomorrow... each friday the losers go (no, chas vesholom, I dont think u're a loser. I mean it.)

p.s. i seriously dont mean it!

and, ZS, so what is zamboniing???

Hey JKG I just read through your entire thread, gotta say I strongly identify with your situation and personality. Read, read, read, and read some more (GYE material of course) [and try some tomato dip, it's not bad].




RT wrote on 09 Aug 2012 19:20:



Why don't you do the same?

ice resurfacer??

Thanks TehillimZugger I really identify with my situation and personality too,
I just got the BIG BOOK and I plan to read that g-d willing.

RT-- I think Im gonna drop out.... in style. So dont worry about it. And for the record I paid 5 bucks for that group.

Zambonie is the thing that fixes the ice skating rink after all the people skate on it. Theres too many slices in the ice to enjoy it. So they go and slowly spread water over the ice to make it flat.

Which reminds me of a story.

Did you hear about the polish ice fisherman?

He was killed by the zambonie.

hm..

Agav today was a phenomenal day, got up early learnt, made some lunch-dinner chilled out, feeling great

I still procrastinated though but hey small steps. Thanks a bajillion guys.

200 posts!!!!!

;D ;D ;D ;D

8)

we will
we will
M-I-S-S Y-O-U!

JustKeepGoing wrote on 09 Aug 2012 22:56:

I laughed out loud at that one ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
JustKeepGoing wrote on 09 Aug 2012 22:56: