I acted out again, once I was down.... Moreh heter isn't the word!
This time I remembered the deal and I had to pay my friend 50 bucks a half hour after I told him about my first fall,

So now I'm going to try and work on positive sobriety, call more guys, added to my kabala that I have to call someone BEFORE a fall.
Get the big book and start reading,call my group leader and see what the story is with the steps....

Definetaly humbled by this, how weak I really am I think I'm so great when I got this far but in one second I can see something that will lead to a terrible fall so I'm not as great as I think I am,
One day at a time, I actually feel like I just can't contemplate more than that.

Also I feel physically nausious for the past couple of hours, is that the physical allergy I've heard about?

Couldn't let go of the lust, I tried and I just couldn't let go.

Gevurah, I will its just depressing to see such a big fall, I was fooled into thinking once I pass amount of days "x" -your in the clear, I got complacent and my active recovery turned into me "burning time" to try and avoid a fall and then that led to a fall.

Thanks guys for all the help, and for giving me some healthy guilt, and having somewhere to write this all out.

The day after tisha bav....... Sheesh

I went through the same thing last winter so i know exactly what you mean. it was after almost the exact same number of days (215), I had gottem 'burnt out" and complacent after the initial high of my first long streak. I was getting progressively "slippier", starting to search out "borderline" websites and such, and getting lax in guarding my eyes and thoughts. eventually I encountered a strong trigger and it was too much. i didn't actually fall "all the way" (i.e. no mz"l), but i got really close. it's not clear in the rules that that's a fall, but after I did it twice, i knew that if i don't say it's a fall I will not stop there, and I will end up falling all the way. So I called it a fall and reset the count. even though it made me feel like I "lost the days", which of course we haven't, at the same time it drew a line in the sand. Ad Kan, it's over, now get up and start with a clean slate.

And the same thing happened again 60 days later, i again got into a rut, and slipped ito looking at borderline p***. And again, i could have rationalized and gotten away with it, but i knew that if i dont make myself feel like i've hit a bottom, i won't bounce back up.

the important thing is to turn the fall into a positive experience, by figuring out what went wrong, and what changes we can make in our attitudes and behaviors to avoid a repeat.

In closing, in the immortal words of our sorely missed Bardichev:

FELL SHMELL!!!!!
KEEEP ON TRUKKKKING!!!!!

Thanks you made me laugh there.

So I think I gained the most in realizing that every day is the day to do battle, I remember thinking when I first got here I made it to 90 and then felt like I was in the clear but I saw someone had 150 and fell so I realized ok not in the clear yet and now 217..... There is no "in the clear" and that's the pshat in one day at a time you can only deal with it today and every day it needs to be dealt with.

Thanks again for the chizuk, it is very much appreciated

Sorry to hear about your fall. You can join RT now, he' starting over, too. Stay accountable to someone other than yourself. You said: I tried but couldn't let go of lust. That was great help to me, I was triggered a few times today very strongly, and my reaction was to tough it out. Thanks to you I am going to call someone right now and have them let go of my lust for me.
Make taking proactive sober action part of your daily routine.
Hatzlocho,
Mottel.
P.S. Gevura said like it is, listen to him well.

Oy, dear Keepgoingdude.
I am very sorry to hear THIS news.

I remember very well how i've felt after falling after 7 month+ .depressing.

is youtube available by you? i could send you some links. some nice moving videos. pm me if you want 'em (lemayse whoever wants can pm me for them (or for something else..)).

looking forward to hear only besoyros toyvos from you
chazzak veematz.
i just yesterday heard that a group of this precious jews (~1100) fasted for 40 days (!!!) for the sake of klal yisroel (chas vesholom war might start soon, chas vesholom!)
I think, klal yisroel needs our zechus, no? lest "ve'raa becha ervas dovor veshav meacharecha".

hatzlocho, sincerly, rashe Teivos.

Youtube??!!! :o :o :o

I always wondered what RT was Roshei Teivos for. Now i know... ;D

yes, youtube ò,Ó

obormottel wrote on 31 Jul 2012 04:20:


Please give me more info on that. Tnx

i'll pm it to you.

Thanks Mottel its good to know that my fall helped somebody.

I just gave my friend 50 dollars as part of my accountability and we have to call each other BEFORE something happens as well.

I think this fall was a positive learning experience for me in the end, Ive learn that the number of days makes no real difference, this problem exists under the surface and it needs to be dealt with day by day. Yesterdays success doesnt mean today I can be over-confident and do things that are potentially triggering. Im NOT superman and this doesnt just "go away" after time. I made a whole bunch of calls today and took a crack at my "to-do" list. Focusing on ONE SMALL DOABLE PRACTICAL REALISTIC goal. Not too much and be overwhelmed. That went very well, I ended up doing much more than I imagined.

Also, I need to be in touch with people otherwise Ill slowly start to recede into Isolation

Im feeling pretty good after todays "Positive Sobriety" still feeling PHYSICALLY nauscious a little though

Also RT (and velt) I want to try to stay away from Tv and computers as much as is possible and YouTube for me is "out-of-the-question"

Allright thanks guys I appreciate the support

Hm. I dont understand.
You watched on the other day some pritzusdicke videos. how was that possible? i assume, you dont have a filter.
oyb asoy. why cant you watch something on youtube? i won't send you any inappropriate links. verstayt sach,no?
or you're just scared to start?. hm. thats what is lemayse mashma from your post.
well.hm. its very likely now, that the majority will disagree with me (gedorim, siyogim, ich weys.), but i dont think that to SUCH a video you should say no. :D
on the other hand. who says that it will have the some impact on you. i am sometimes getting chizzuk from very strange things :D

RT, it's possible though not probable to watch a pritzusdike video with a filter. A filter helps, but it's not everything. That being the case, youtube may still be blocked. As well it should be.

And you'll find many on GYE (I'm not yet among them, but I'm getting there) who won't browse anywhere except where they know what to expect, or for a very good reason, because they are petrified of triggers.

I'm just explaining the thought process.

Hatzlacha!
Meir

Ya so that was basically what it was, I dont want to go on youtube. Regarding the filter, theres one on the main computer but not one on my parents

Rabeinu Tam I understand you wont send me innapropriate links, once im ON youtube though its very easy to "just check this video" and then "just check that vide" until it leads to triggers and then thats not enough etcetera etcetera etcetera

Yea. lemayse i was searching for a certain video for my studies to on youtube. and takke. on the sideboard the (as they do it usually) had some other "efshar you want see this video as well"-videos. some very pretty triggering, was a challenge not check 'em out.

And btw, I am not Rabeinu Tam :D (mai hava amina? :D) r"t is rashe teyvos for "rashe teyvos".

Ya so thats pretty much why I dont wanna. you can pm them to me though and Ill have them for the future

I dont know what the hava amina was I just felt like it :