ust wanted to post a thought I was having,

Rav Noach Weinberg has a class in the 48 ways I forgot which one and he mentions how we sometimes have started and failed so many projects, whatever they are, and because weve stopped and started SO MANY TIMES, we lose something that is so so so important. And that is self confidence in ourselves.

Meaning it'll get to a point were we start something half-thinking in the back of our heads "ya im all inspired now but Im not actually going to see this through" and on top of that how many projects do we not even START because wqe think itll be useless. That were not going to finish anyways.

I really think that that applies here as well. we have to think, when I say I'm done, do I really mean it?

Also practically speaking, take a paper and write up a list of ALL the things weve started and stopped, and then add all the things we havent even started! and from now on decide, whatever I take on I'm going to do it , Im going to see it through to completion, NO MATTER WHAT , the only time you can stop is if the diffculty wasnt what you expected aka a "bad investment" you thought it would take 5 minutes turns out it takes an hour a day so THEN you can drop it,m but otherwise any project that you understand the difficulty going in and decide to do it anyways then you STICK WITH IT!

Maybe try doing action "x" for only a week then extend it. after a 2 day break.

And through doing this b'ezrat Hashem we can regain our self-confidence in ourselves that we will see things through and hopefully it'll transfer over to this area as well.

Hi guys,

I just wanted to write this out, Ive been home for a couple of days, and I see that being around my family is particularly stressful,
Its hard, is an understatement.

I just had a very nice discussion (the word nice needs to be read with [sarcasm] [/sarcasm] but they dont have that one) with some members of my family, five minutes after my friend left I went from being in a great mood to "this is why I hate being home"

Ive been occupying myself this bein hazmanim with movies and cartoons, when im not learning morning seder. and I was going to watch one on the computer and I just felt like "ok enough already with the escapes, lie down on your bed and read a sefer.. Then the previously mentioned "discussion" happened and I found myself without a seconds thought taking the laptop to watch a movie. (also this mood causes me to just not care about things and I slipped a bit today) Thank G-d for the amazing Hashgacha somehow the forum wasnt working today for me and I was very curious whats going on so now im here instead of lost in some lala land.

I just wanted to comment on how this anger and frustration, unexpressed... It feels like a boiling lava of "ARGH!!!!" waiting to come out. and Then I throw caution to the winds and try to escape through my computer..

maybe I shouldnt even write this bc im still Pre-step 5 in the program, Im just looking to speak this out though before I do something stupid. (Is this b'geder Loshon Hara if I would tell it to my good friend who knows my family? )

Thanks

Disclaimer: NOT a psak.
It would seem to be a toeles- if you can determine that the talking will have the desired effect- namely, that you'll be able to handle the stress if you let it out, AND that there isn't someone with whom to talk to whom it will not be Loshon Hora.
And keep in mind, if you qualify, it is not Loshon Hora. ("There is no such thing as Loshon Hora L'Toeles- that is Loshon Tov." -R' Reisman, not to be applied to this situation without a Rov)

Thanks, ill ask my Rabbi tommorow, figured some of the tzibur would know, we do have some pretty knowledge-able people here..
I could post here about my stress, but its better for me to speak it over with a friend or Rabbi. I dont know if that qualifies. Writing it out helped me

JustKeepGoing wrote on 24 Jul 2012 02:37:

That was my point. Do you have any GYE numbers? Maybe saying it to a real voice on the phone will be enough. That is definitely muttar- we don't know your family.
Probably.

E-Tek wrote on 24 Jul 2012 02:57:


;D you might know them, but well have to risk it. I have some. I still feel pretty weird calling a guy up just to complain about my family, its a little... childish no? but then again thats probably " Dont Talk, Dont Feel, Dont um... I forgot" but my point was Dont Talk

But, Meir who the heck wants to listen to me complain about my family.

I have this incident in high school running through my head, one guy yelled at me for complaining to him.

Ok did you get anything from that? Do you hear what Im divided over? (Im a bit confused myself)

If you commit to staying sober till you talk to me, ill listen to your complaints. Pm me for my number.

obormottel wrote on 24 Jul 2012 06:41:

And that's your answer. We want to hear you talk about anything that will help you stay sober. Just like we volunteer to hear another Yid's history and temptations in order to help, we would do the same here.
PM me for my number, too, though I may not respond fast enough to help.

Hatzlacha!
Meir

yep, pm me as well, keepgoingdude : )
i might not give you my number bichlal (okay okay, not "i might not", rather, i will not) but i will read whatever you right (if its not a big chabura for 3 pages) : )

Thank you so much guys, I really appreciate it. For now Im just avoiding any family members I deem "stress inducers" gonna get out of the house call my rabbi go learn.

THANK YOU

Ok I really didnt want to have to post this but in order to build my "honesty muscles" I am sad to report that last night, on the computer I saw some things I shouldnt have seen. I was looking around for different deals and I saw the "apparel" section. I was like you think theres inappropriate things there? Nahhh.... Its clothing for crying out loud dont be so extreme. And the pictures were WAY worse than I couldve imagined.I had an inkling that maybe I should avoid it and I didnt then was completely blown away by the level of how bad it was. It was a struggle to get of the site looks and double looks I was on for maybe 10-15 seconds struggling looking not looking till I managed to get off.

Some observations-

All the knowledge I had/have on this topic seemed to fly out the window. (Meaning I really have to be 5 steps ahead of the game if I want to prevent this from happening again.)

Normally in a Bein Hazmanim I would be at this point of the downward spiral within 1-2 days now it took about a week, and Im back up today went to learn and feeling strong not depressed like normal. The key thing is having the Chavruta in the morning. I have an obligation to him and even though I missed minyan today I went out of the house, even though I wasnt in the mood. When I went and saw friends spoke to people they like pulled my mentality out of Isolation mode and into "connect with others" mode

I called up my friend and were going to add onto the accountability for looking also to some type of knass, for both of us, when either of us messes up. Like RT's group live.

Also theres something like a "lust spillover effect" I woke up and was feeling pretty "lusty" it took some time to go away.

Very very Happy, went to the bathroom and in the past it wouldve been game over, but even though I had just had some "lusty-ness" in me I didnt have the urge to m***. Not that that feeling lasts very long, I know once I start slipping It goes away, Im just happy it didnt

SHabbat Shalom!

JustKeepGoing wrote on 27 Jul 2012 16:53:


Know it well. The little sips of lust, the peeks here and there, feed and strengthen the lust, when our goal is to starve and weaken it.

You mentioned movies in a previous post. Personally, I find movies too dangerous. Even if the rating is PG or even G, the inevitable beautiful women get me going. Just gazing at their faces can start the gears turning. I'm not going to walk away from the movie and go m*, but the struggle will definitely be re-awakened. The less I see, the easier this whole thing is.

Ya still trying to regain my balance Ive been good since I last posted just had a slip again worse than "normal"

Alex sometimes Ive been so SO good and have been starving the addiction and then all of a sudden something completely out of my control re-awakens the struggle, I feel like its not fair almost, obviously Hashem wants this for my good but its very frustrating. oh, and When did this happen? I sat down for literally half a minuter watching cartoons with my little sister, commercial comes on... innapropriate! (amazing whats on a KIDS channel these days) so I got up and left now I was "slightly" lust again started falling without thinking. Got on GYE right away.

What Im saying is sometimes it feels like I have things "under wraps" and something external throws me off (Im NOT saying that its always external Ive caused plenty of my own mess-ups) Then the whole struggle is "re-ignited" and Im left feeling like its not fair bc if Hashem wouldve just let me be I wouldve had it under control.

What do I do for these feelings??

*Also I just realized that im feeling more humble from the experience, that Im not that great after all. So theres a benefit of humility (which Ive seen others mention)
But at the same time how do I know if its actually HUMILITY or maybe just feelings of worthlessness?

**Also, I was trying to watch clean movies and cartoons to keep myself occupied this Bein Hazmanim but it gradually worsened to other movies not dirty ones just ACTUAL movies.. and then slips so I cant really do much other stuff due to an injury but after 9 days gonna get an instrument try to learn it and keep busy and Ill make a schedule to my afternoons which until now have been unscheduled

I am very embarrased to write this. I had a fall, Started with some small triggers, was on the computer one thing led to the next. I forgot about my 50$ deal, I never finalized the looking knass I kept going one level deeper because I figured once I already did this.. then thats not a problem either. DIDNT call my friend because I didnt want to be saved I wanted to fall.

I feel like I went at around day 195-210 from positive sobriety to negative sobriety. I prayed a couple times to Hashem take away my lust help me not want to lust, I dont know it happened so fast. I didnt even want to go that far but I guess thats what I get for thinking I can have "just a taste"

I didnt want to write this here, Im just embarrased from the GYE chevra. I was doing so good! 216 days DOWN THE DRAIN!! (I know I KNOW that its never gone but thats what it feels like)

Day 1, starts tommorow I guess

I feel like a hypocrite already I took off my tzitzit when I was changing and a voice in my head said "you can take off the costume now"

Just. Keep. Going.