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Confessing some of my secrets

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TOPIC: Confessing some of my secrets 20793 Views

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 27 May 2012 18:53 #138362

Blind Beggar OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Not a sexaholic, just trying to be good. Posts: 780 Karma: 12	You can get K9 for Windows 2000 and maybe for 98 as well. I had a similar problem with WebChaver for Windows 2000, I contacted them and the IT guy gave me a link to a page with loads of old versions of Covenant Eyes and he told me which one to download. No problem.
	The Blind Beggar is a character in Rebbe Nachman's story of the Seven Beggars. If I view a woman as an object, I am powerless over lust, but I don't have to look. I can guard my eyes. I want to guard my eyes. I do guard my eyes. Why do I say these four lines?

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 15:39 #138409

ontheedgeman
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All I can say is WOW WOW WOW. I'm baffled. Cunning, baffling and powerful. Where to start? I think there is something strangely ironic about a sex addict trying to clean up prostitute business cards on the streets of Tel Aviv. Fiction couldn't come up with stuff like that.

Truth be told, I tried to do something similar - shutting down a shop that opened up near us selling immoral items. I researched their business name, found they were in violation of a business name law, and then was about to go to town on them. But that has nothing to do with recovery, helping others, or getting past my resentments.

The problem is discussed in page 157 of the White Book, where it discusses H2CN's issue (and mine for that matter). We get to a point of extended sobriety, but realize that obsessions have not totally gone away. "In any case, it is the inner disposition of the heart that is the real problem, and the work of recovery continues with altered attitudes and gaining progressive victory over lust". In particular, among other things, it suggests working on steps 5 and 10. Airing out the secrets, little or small. Before they escalate.

The truth is, losing your job must be incredibly stressful... Can we even ask how you can afford to spend so much money on zonas without any income? Did you lose the job because of your addiction? These issues would presumably need to be dealt with in your inventory.

as i look at the matter I realize that my income is a major driver of addiction, or I should say stress over my income is the driver. until I integrate my recovery with my parnassah, I won't be completely cured of lust.

Recovery in 6 words: Trust H". Clean House. Help others.

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 15:51 #138414

Dov OFFLINE Administrator Posts: 1960 Karma: 383	That was deep. Really.
	"Off the 18-wheeler and fine on this tricycle!", "I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons...and you are probably the same."

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 15:59 #138415

ontheedgeman OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 391 Karma: 0	Wait did I just get a compliment from Dov?? I think I just completed the 13th step of recovery!!
	Recovery in 6 words: Trust H". Clean House. Help others.

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 16:17 #138419

ontheedgeman
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Okay I have to post about parnassah again because Dov inspired me, also I'm stressed. Always stressed about parnassah. If I have it, I'm a king and kings get to act out and do whatever they want (well, this king anyhow). If I don't have it, or if I'm bombarded or stressed, I can't handle it and there is no escape - except in immoral ways.

I haven't really discussed this with anyone and haven't addressed it as part of recovery, but I guess given H2CN's post, I thought I'd share this. I have read SO much on emunah and parnassah, how Gcd takes care of every creation, no one is lacking, etc. But I feel constantly stressed about what if income dries up. And I'm stressed for others - college kids who have 30% unemployment, other trades whose professions may dry up overnight (e.g. tax advisors). It never ends. The economy, etc.

When I do have work, i am stressed about getting it done, how it's done... so I procrastinate, and then have to lie about why it's not done. the lying makes me feel like a loser, and the cycle continues. I've tried OmniFocus to get things done, but now my to do list is 3 months old.

Anyhow, I guess as this applies to H2CN, I guess the question is to consider a similar connection.

Recovery in 6 words: Trust H". Clean House. Help others.

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 20:43 #138470

have2changeNOW
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Wow - thanks for the great thoughts EdgeMan. My disastrous clean up work does sound stranger than fiction. Oy.

I wish i could 'blame' the parnessah stress for this fall, and that certainly is there, but i do have some severance so at least I'm just wasting money on avieros while I still do have an income. Oy.

For me - there is something deeper going on, not sure what. the list I made in my last post was helpful to me, although I haven't started it yet

, except by writing this post

i see for me - the unfiltered PC is really problematic at home, I need to fix that. I have a support email going with K9 but no fix yet. Fell again, hours after Shavous. I can really have the strongest resolve in one part of the day, and it can completely vanish 4-5 hours later. Thank G-d I did have that SUPER clean stretch - to know that I can do it!!

Repeating my "To Do" list - trying to give myself some Chizzuk - maybe this helps someone else too!
KOT on GYE -
Get PC access that is filtered - duh!!
try to make some structure in my day
get back on Calls
Go to SA meetings and.or find one closer to my home town
Get a Sponsor (never had one yet)
STD again ???
Re-commit to reading and recovery steps
Realize I really am Addicted

last and certainly not least- ITS GOOD TB BACK WITH SOME ACCESS TO GYE!!

All the best to my fellow frum addicts

Have2changeNOW

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 21:13 #138471

shlomoy
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guardureyes wrote on 17 May 2012 15:48:

I actually crossed the 90 days clean line, and I mean REALLY clean - no p*rn, no m*sturbating, kavalchomer no zonas for 90 DAYS which is unprecedented and nothing short of miraculous for me! Not even close to that in over 20 years!! But this talk of a brain change at 90 days - just isn't true! I

don't know whyI believed that because I heard so much that we are addicts for life!

Yes, this is a famous question. So let me explain in short.
Going 90 days without the "drug" is like slamming the door shut on our addiction.
It's still there and it will be there for life, but your brain has had enough time to regain its equilibrium of getting used to not needing these "chemical rushes" to maintain it's balance. That simply means that it becomes easier for you to remain clean. The door is like slammed closed on the old pathways.
HOWEVER, the moment you start OPENING THAT DOOR AGAIN to lust, it's still there - and it rushes back with a vengeance.
So it only helps us keep the door closed, but it doesn't get rid of the addiction.
Am I being clear?

By the way, Kudos on your 100 days clean. That's truly a miracle. Hashem will help you, just never give up!

In the holy sefer Hatanya is very specific about this issue in even one time like you called its slams the door shut etc. but as soon as you awaken the

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 22:09 #138475

have2changeNOW
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That does make a lot of sense - and Guard mentioned the same idea a few posts back. I think i have to pull a Rebbe Nachman - (as I understand his works) and just START ANEW!

I must admit, I am having a tough time getting back to SLAMMING THE DOOR against all LUST.

I'm kind of back to thinking: Just one more time, just the perfect experience, and that will be it. For me - and i guess for any addict - the access to a non-filtered PC is REALLY DETRIMENTAL. That is the worst part of my job loss so far! today i went to MP, hoping for the same women, that was good the last time, trying to plan so other stuff w her. . . She was not there -so I tried a different one, who was not as 'good'. So my addict wants me to go back and find the original one, instead of slamming the door!

Once again - great to post here again - and really good to be connected again!

Best

H2CN!

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 22:30 #138480

have2changeNOW Current streak: 64 days OFFLINE Expert Boarder Posts: 100 Karma: -1	Just to answer one question from Edgeman - thank G-d NO i did not lose the job to the addiction. My secret is still secret except with you guys, my SA meeting, and the One who see and know all (gulp)

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 29 May 2012 23:54 #138489

Dov
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Have2changeNOW wrote on 29 May 2012 22:09:

That does make a lot of sense - and Guard mentioned the same idea a few posts back. I think i have to pull a Rebbe Nachman - (as I understand his works) and just START ANEW!

Starting anew is great...but as they write in AA's "promises" (after writing about what happens to us when we work the steps) :

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

So I dug up an old post of mine about what i think you are actually doing. You are learning from your mistakes. And this is what teshuvah mei'ahavah means. Ready?

Please see the Sfas Emes on the laughing of Sara imeinu and also regarding her discernment in the defective tz'chok (laughter) of Yishmael about fourteen years later. If I understand him correctly, he explains that she did teshuva immediately, which is why she could honestly respond, " I did not laugh." By then, she had done teshuva! (But it was from Awe, not love...so) Then Avraham (or Hashem, per some) responded to her and said: "No, you did laugh," meaning, since your Teshuvah was only from gevurah/yir'ah (being the typical derech of Sara imeinu who balanced Avraham avinu's Chesed with much Gevurah - K'negdo). And when you do Teshuva from yir'ah the aveira is not eliminated but only made a shogeg, for you know not to do that now - so it was a mistake... This is the meaning of the words, "ki yareiyah - because she was afraid", that is, she did Teshuva of yir'ah.

The Sfas Emes then goes on to say (amazingly) that the reason Avraham did not quickly and as deeply recognize Yishmael's tz'chok as being evil - while Sarah did - was because Sara messed up with laughter - she then reacted to the whole vikuach there by embarking on a "program" of learning everything she could about the difference between kosher and non-kosher tz'chok and working on it so she'd never mess up with laughter again. She saw that her (possibly perfect) Teshuvah from Yir'ah is not enough. She needed to do "Avraham's style" of Teshuvah, too - and one does that not by turning one's back on cheit, but by learning the truth from it.

Thus, she ended up at a higher level of discernment than did Avraham (who had never made the mistake in tz'chok in the first place)! The Sfas Emes then says that this is the definition of teshuva me'ahavah. After we learn from our mistake and experience (more likely, allow Hashem to cause) a change in ourselves because of the cheit and teshuvah process, Hashem now considers that aveirah a mitzvah. (Which mitzvah is it? Perhaps the aveira becomes the mitzvah of teshuva, thus the word "teshuva" - return of the potential in the aveirah to reality - maybe?). That, the Sfas Emes writes, is what chazal mean when they say that with ahava the cheit is converted into a mitzvah.

Just thought you'd like a pat on the back...and a bit of a shove forward, too.

"Off the 18-wheeler and fine on this tricycle!", "I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons...and you are probably the same."

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 30 May 2012 04:31 #138506

have2changeNOW
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Thanks Dov! Beautiful post, and I hope that is what i am doing! at least you've expressed a very optimistic viewpoint. Need that pat and even more the shove. In my personal self-view btw - its easier for me to love Hashem, than to properly fear Him (me thinks. . .)

Well - think your post is a fitting segway for me to dismantle this 10 year old PC, at least temporarily, until I can get someone with better PC skills than me to install any filter!

Hishtadlus feels right for now, and I understand i have to work the steps on the inside, not just the outside

Lots of love to you and the GYE chevra!

Have2changeNOW

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 30 May 2012 14:33 #138528

AlexEliezer OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1933 Karma: 55	H2, Think about changing the need to get "one last perfect fix," to making the right decision NOW. You've set a very high expectation for yourself with your 100-plus day streak. Time to start, humbly, with one good decision at a time. Filter or not, keep away from anything remotely triggering. Use the filter between your ears.

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 31 May 2012 00:10 #138538

ontheedgeman
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I totally hear you on the perfect fix. I just want the perfect masseuse... I don't necessarily need her, I just to know that she is there, that she will be there for me if things aren't going my way... right? If I need a way out, right? I mean, I hear this idea of Lo Taturu... I don't really take it to heart. Yeah, yea,... don't follow after my heart and eyes. But wait a second. "Asher atem zonim acharaheim". What is zonim? Plural of zona? lol

I don't know if Sefer Chinuch would categorize visiting zonas as idol worship... it certainly is idle worship.

The idea is that, behind the obsession with the perfect fix is faith in a false concept... that this zona or this perfect fix will really do it for me, that it will provide relief. It's a false belief that the temporary relief is salvation. But I'm seeing that, it distracts me from the truth. and it's illusory.

Still I can't shake it, I can't shake the faith I have, that these places are "relief" when they are really not. The wallet is relieved of its cash; my mind is temporarily relieved. But nothing of importance gets better.

I once asked my bubby why she never tried cocaine. She lived in a time when it was relatively common. She said "It wasn't important to me". Ah this concept of "importance". What are the important things to me? Not being insulted by my wife, not being offended by her incessant criticisms. That's important. It's important that I'm relieved of the pain she causes me. The massages give me some relief, so they are important to me. But it doesn't quite do it... it's incomplete. And I think there are more important things, ultimately... like connecting to Gcd always. and the massages, frequently if not always, disconnect me.

What am I, a putrid drop...

Recovery in 6 words: Trust H". Clean House. Help others.

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 01 Jun 2012 18:21 #138677

have2changeNOW
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Wow Edgeman - that is deep and better yet - hits the target. The false hope of salvation . . . . how my addicted mind forgets the truth so easily.

As to what Alex said - the filter between my ears - that is the real goal right. Although , I just don't trust that filter that much. Yet.

Bottom line - I need to work my program more and see the miraculous results again.

Thank G-d today is good!
and its good to have GYE access again.

A good Shabbos to all!

H2CNOW

Re: Confessing some of my secrets 13 Jun 2012 17:31 #139398

have2changeNOW
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Hello All -

I went and got a new computer - installed K9 - and I'm back! w a filtered computer - which so far is critical for me. I can be 'good' for days or hours in a row, and then in a flash just search up x.x.x.x.x.x and boom - what a quick fall fast and hard. The filter in my head is just not operational at full level yet.

But great to be back! Next going to get the smart phone filtered from the carrier.

Then to find a job!!

Be reading and posting again more soon!!! IYH!

All the best
H2CN