Wow Hashem Yassfeni - thank you.  I need to hear this type of direct talk - instead of all my inner rationalizations.  With the focus of emmes.  Thank you, and keep it coming. I will honestly tell my problems, and unfortunately 'try' is such a part of my vocabulary right now.  What inner pain am I hiding?  I thought this is an addiction - not a cover up!? Oy vey.  I've 'tried' SA - but really prefer focus here - with Yidden who speak my language and share my world view.

Oh - no more zonahs . . . NEVER AGAIN.  Need to live and breathe that.

hatzlachah on your road to recovery

you can turn everything around and remove this double life completely and live the way you were meant to live

but as members here have already posted,your being tested for all the possible sexually transmitted diseases must be done immediately.do not delay it and hopefully you are fully healthy but you cannot potentially harm your wife this way.you owe it to her to test yourself immediately.if there is a physical condition that did or could affect your wife's physical health-THAT COMES FIRST.To be sure your wife has not been physically endangered,and if  its possible that she has contracted a disease from you ,that needs to adressed first.

it's sobering and scary to be tested,but you have no choice.without that step you cant even start because if you have picked up a disease,you cannot pretend that its not there and not take steps so that your wife's health is protected

to know whether or not your actions affected your wife's health or not  should be PRIORITY # 1

Thank you Yechida and LastTry, and everyone else.  In general the advice you are writing is giving me chizuk, wake-up call reality, that I have been denying or rationalizing.  And agree also with your strong words of what I should do first l'misa.

So I have researched some STD testing offices near my office - and going tomorrow.    IY"H I am clean. . .

Accountability Partner next - found the form on GYE.  and G-d-willing, let me change.  NO MORE zonahs.

Keep the strong doses of reality coming! Please - so good for me to tell the truth and hear your reactions.

Thank you,

Trying4awhile (feel i should already change that GYE name to something not about trying - but changing!)

trying4awhile wrote on 18 Jan 2012 15:15:

So why don't you try to change it .

As far as getting an accountability partner.  You are MUCH better off getting sponsor at a meeting.  Most people here that look for an accountability partner are in NEED of one and have very little sobriety under their belt.

Ok - It's official - instead of reflecting my old mode of action and thus the GYE name "trying4awhile" - now I am going to focus on what I need to do today - the present  - and thus my new GYE name - "Have2changeNOW"

May this external viewpoint impact me internally!

thanks for all the chizuk - its is really helping me see how bad, etc. my behavior and habits/addiction is and shining light on how i must change.

Please keep it coming - I'm all ears for practical  suggestions and mussar, as you see fit.

To be continued - Have2changeNOW

Hello Friend and welcome!
Have you read the Welcome Package to Newcomers? You can see a bit here
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/ebooks/Nutshell%20July2011.pdf
In my opinion, joining the 90 Day chart would be very helpful to you, as it was for me (after testing is done, like everyone says). But you can't join unless you stop any form of lustful activity, including sex with self, looking at porn etc
In the AA's Big Book there is an expression "half-measures availed us nothing". It is also quoted in the SA's White Book. And the reason is, as long as you keep feeding your lust, it will be taking you back to all the dark places you're trying to run away from.
Yes, it will hurt. But as we know (and you know I'm sure) the moment you sooth your pain with masturbation, you'll be right where you started.
That doesn't mean, of course, you shouldn't try and leave the masturbation as a last resort, but our experience shows it won't take you closer to recovery, just delay the process.
And as a frum Yid, you do know that it's an aveiro just like the zoinos. So what's the use?
And another point: Have2changeNOW wrote on 17 Jan 2012 22:40:

I'm sorry, what world view do other Yidden share with you? The zoinos? Can you approach anyone in your shul and discuss your zoino issues? If you get diagnosed with STD (Chalilo), will you run to your Rov to get an advice?
The only reason we can relate to you on this forum, is because we, too, are sick in the head, and worship human bodyparts and the god of orgasm. What's so Jewish about that?
Stop fooling yourself. The surest way out for people like us is to be in the company of other "real recovering perverts", as Dov puts it. And it matters not that you will have to refer to zoinos as prostitutes, it will have the same effect on you, trust me.
When I was nearing my first 90-day clean streak, I was going through a difficult wothdrawal, and a friend from GYE called me to cheer me up. He asked me something I want to share with you:
He asked: How many minutes/hours a day do you think of being Jewish? And how much time do you spend thinking about all the shmutz? So what is really a priority in your life? And if your answer is, like mine was, that time spent contemplating my Jewishness dwarfs when compared to all the thoughts of znus that go thru my head every minute of the day, then the next step is (kinda) obvious: Get off your high horse, and drag yourself into SA meetings on a regular basis. If after 5 or 6 meetings (per Dov) you still feel you can't connect, we'll have to declare your case unique, and see what else is available.
So please read the GYE In the Nutshel I referenced above, as well as handbooks and other things available here, but keep your mind open to the fact that all these could be "half-measures" that will avail you NOTHING until you connect with live people who share your problem.
Hatzlocho.
Giving you a virtual hug,
Mottel.

I may have to start a mottel quotes section .  Good rant!

Thanks again to all - especially the recent cold water true words of orbomottel.  I need a lot to snap me out of my trance to get face to face with my addiction.

Big first step - Telling the truth to you all about the zonah depth of my addiction on my first entry in this post.

2nd big Step - Taking advice form this group and going for STD test - tomorrow.  IY"H clean  . . .  Oy

Third Step  - working on it - not sure yet.

Please keep calling it as you see it!

Thanks to all - Have2changeNOW

You're taking it like a man. Hatzlocho Rabbo!
Hope you're clean, and you can start right away with addiction recovery, rather then STD (r'l) treatments.
G-d love you,
Mottel.

Well I did it - got the whole menu of STD tests this afternoon.  Hard to believe - but I would not have even thought of that without input from some of you - so thanks for that! It's scary how much i can live in this fantasy land and just think I'm outside/above implications and consequences.  I think there is a mishna somewhere, maybe end of Brochos (?), about not praying for what already exists - so if I have anything STD -  its there already.  Still somehow please G-d let me have been clean all this time and let the science confirm that!!

Sad - but i was close to going to a zonah today - RIDICULOUS right!!!  but I guess that just show's how bad my addiction and insanity must be.  I'm confused about help from above vs hishtadlus in our addiction situation - but whatever happened - I didn't go!!  Funny - but my recent name change here on GYE to "Have2changeNOW" - emphasis on NOW - gave me some chizzuk (changed from "tyring4awhile").  Lest I get over confident - getting her voicemail helped a lot too.    WEAK. . . .

Well - I'm  throwing myself into the recovery tools - printed out the handbook, attitude booklet, and registered for an Accountability Partner.    Please self - CHANGE NOW - PLEASE G-d Let me be successful. . . .  no more zonahs!!  Thanks to all of you again - your chizzuk and advice has been super helpful.

Have2changeNOW

just about the zonah issue, i don't now what you think but if you think that she is working and you are paying for it you are completely wrong!! MOST all of these girls are employed in conditions of slavery! it is girls that are illegal immigrants that can't work or all kinds of other problems. even if you don't see it that way you should know it is that way! each time you go to a zonah you help her stay a slave! so please think about not only 'olam haba' or your self or your wife but also about the poor girl that will stay a slave and the rest of the girls that will be brought to earn money

i hope i am not too harsh on you, it is realy writen with love and care for you!

hazlach and may Hashem guard your way

LT

i tried the hishtadlus for many a sorry year with only addiction to show for it.  Realize that the true nisayon just might be whether you will try to win all by yourself or if you will turn to Hashem and cry
"PLEASE HELP ME!!!! Hashem, I can't do this.  It is too hard for me.  Please, Hashem you fight for me.  I am going to hide in the corner until the "monster" is gone"
Give it a try, after all what have you got to lose, your perfect track record?
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Hey, chaver. Did you get my PM?

Have2changeNOW wrote on 19 Jan 2012 23:20:

How about deleting all the numbers from your phone, your wallet, wherever you keep them.  It's not about reading handbooks and "throwing yourself into recovery" it'a about doing.  Of course you have to read, but the reading will not do any good without action.  Throwing yourself into recovery while holding on to the numbers, seems to be tovel v'sheretz beyado.

I hope I wasn't too strong, but you seem to be open and willing to hear loving criticism.

I wish you the best my friend!

Shalom Aleichem changedNOW.

First of all I do understand your position. Whether we did things exactly the same way or a bit different its all the same. We reach a point in this addiction were our brain doesn't differentiate between things that make sense and things that don't. When I look at my actions that have done, I come to realize how when I am in the lusting cycle  - its literally an outer body power controlling me. Did I ever consider my wife and children feelings or safety? I thought and still think I am a thoughtful person and a loving husband so how is it possible? Does this ever bother you? And thats how I realized I have no choice whether should I change and how much.. Because as soon as I use my mind for judging it will be the same out of body power making the decisions.

With that said - I deleted everything I have that can give me a way to trace back. EVERYTHING. email accounts, change phone numbers if they have access to yours, if you drive by bad areas that are triggers - go a different way, Any trace of your habit needs to change before you think about changing. Sure its easy to find it again - but that when the working the steps starts. YOu cannot work on yourself with her phone number in your pocket.

I have come a long way but deep down I know I can be in your shoes in a half hour if I don't continuously keep on working/focusing on recovery. Its a long road but a beautiful one.. Your wife deserves it, your children deserve it and much more YOU deserve it- its sanity that we have proven we don't have.

My friend - the thoght of going for testing is really hard. Even harder is going for the results. May Hashem give you strength to deal with all the situations ahead of you. One thing please remember - no mater what the results are we/I am hear for you. Please share it with us and we can hopefully give each other chizuk in all areas needed. Never go at it yourself, chaver.

with love,

HM