Hi Everybody,

I've been here before under the name HabaLetaher. (I couldn't remember my old password, and Haba is much shorter.) I've been struggling for years and finally now I'm ready to deal with it. I came out and told my wife about my decades of struggles on Sunday night. She is super hurt, confused, angry, resentful, and depressed, but she has been dealing with it very well. We have been in touch with a rebbi of mine who really understands these things, and I will be joining regular SA meetings soon.

I am totally broken to see the pain my wife is going through and to know that I caused it all, but I can't go on living a secret life anymore. I'm a respected member of my community, and have been feeling like a fraud for years. This of course leads me to be more depressed and act out even more. But I can't go on, I need to beat this vicious yetzer hara, or it will finish me.

Has anybody here had experiences with non-Jewish SA meetings before and what they are like?

Thank you all in advance for your chizzuk,
Haba

kol hakavod!

Yes, your wife is shocked etc. about your matzav, but the fact that she knows AND is taking it well, is the best thing that could happen to you. Your wife is your best accountability partner. One that gives you no breaks.
I found that once I told my wife about my secret life,I was able to reach levels that I had given up on already, after failing for years.

I would like to point out that it is not enough to let her know of your struggle. Women don't necessarily understand how this struggle "works" at us men.
At least by me I find that the more she understands the nature of the addiction the more she is understanding, encouraging, and astute to the tricks of our addiction.
Take my suggestion and learn the GYE handbook with your wife every day. First bekius; then beiyun. It works wonders.

kol tuv!
keep going!

Haba wrote on 29 Dec 2011 05:15:

Welcome back haba! 

Haba wrote on 29 Dec 2011 05:15:

I think anyone who had told (or been caught by) their wife can relate.  I know I can (I was caught  :-[ ). 

Haba wrote on 29 Dec 2011 05:15:

Great move!  Going to our rav has helped us immesurably.

Like Willgetout, having my wife read the materials also helped her to get a handle on what I'm going through, though she obviously can't really understand it.  I tell her, I can't understand what childbirth is like and you can't understand this .  I didn't read it with her beiyun or anything.  We did discuss some points.  It's very confusing for women.  It's quite a roller coaster ride, but B"H for me things have mostly stabelized.

welcome welcome welcome.I am married with a few kids seem like a great guy,great wife,in the chinuch field.I quickly browsed your old posts and what a special talented guy you are.It seems to me you have been dealing with your issues for along time kol hakavod.Your wife will be a big help in your recovery in the long run but you got to focus right now on commiting to some serious help.It seems you have some reservations about going to non jewish sa and I myself struggle if I should go or not,even though I have been off porn and the other chazerai for over 2 years.
What are your other options?If you do not have other excellent options to help you in recovery you better get over to those meetings right away.Do not get caught up in your self, speak to your rabbi about it and remember your bright ideas is what got you here in the first place.Hatzlocha Rabah with great love.

Hi there
telling your wife was a very brave step and a certain move to make your will to quit serious.

Having been there in the past and having failed though you need to build off the shock and embarassment that this moves takes will real steps to make sure you dont sink back in to your old ways.

For me the most important thing has been filling my time and more importantly my thoughts with positive and real connection with hashem .

Working on davening and coming clean with hashem about your desires and challenges is key -
releasing and letting go of the thoughts that if your are strong enough you can do this yourself without Hashem

if you havent read it I highly highly reccomend the Garden of Peace by Rav Arush - very very helpful

Also what I've found similar to what was allready said - your wife will not fully ever understand your struggles - not that you should hide things from her but certain things are best discused with a rav or chaver not with your wife - I am sure you will figure this out
the most important thing though is if you make real progress your wife will know and you will sense the change in her reactions to you .

Remember this is the most difficult but challenging test in your life right now and reminding yourself of this priority will go along way to helping you when you get to the enivitable lulls and temptations to stray into the probably not a good idea materials online

this is a big moment (telling your wife) make sure to capatalize on it -= this is the beginning of the new you
kol hakavod !!!!

We ae in almost the same place. I say almost because after all we are different people. I also told my wife and I attend noun Jewish SA meetings.  I realized that not a lot in here go to these meetings since tehy are here, and I asked some friends at the meetings and it seems they don't come here because they are in the program. In any case, if you attend meetings, you will find Jews and the first time you might be confused, upset, but then it will help you even more because we have these backgrounds that only a Jew can understand some of your pain best.

It may be too short for you, but I'll write it out. Haba letaher, misayin oso! Just like everyone has said, it's a tremendous step.

I just had a week long conversation with my wife about my struggles and the first few days she got physically sick. She was extremely hurt, but I knew I had to keep my distance and let the intellect eventually power over the emotion, but just early this morning she started to understand me. She's been great, B"H, and a huge lift has been lifted off my weak and feeble shoulders. The one thing she kept thinking when I told her, was the quote from Achashveirosh about Haman usurping the queen, with the king "imi ba'bayis". It pained her so much that the sins were happening right under her nose.

I apologize, but I have to cut this short. My in laws are here.....Hope it helped.

Ok. B"H I'm back. So basically what I was saying was that my wife took it extremely hard even though she knew of my struggles in general with keeping my thoughts clean. She said she felt inadequate and that apparently she wasn't doing enough for me because I looked for pleasure elsewhere. I gave her an analogy of a sort of "addiction" she has (She constantly needs to get a Slurpee. I won't even go into 7-11 for fear of the shmutz they have there, but she needs her Slurpee fix- So I told her that just as when she knows she's getting a Slurpee in the evening, it doesn't detract from wanting one at various points throughout the day. And if someone was giving away free Slurpee's, even if they were smaller than the regular 7-11 size, she would go for it because it was free and available whenever she wanted.) and B"H it got the message across.

The thing that scares me though is that for four days I rattled off gemara and mussar thoughts about the weakness and disposition of man and his struggles and drives towards evil, especially before Moshiach comes- the thoughts that gave me temporary chizuk except "b'sha'as maaseh," r"l, and although it pacified her, I thought to myself, how can all this not help me fight that stinkin' Yetzer Hara?!?!?!?!? :o :o :o  - I could give a shiur on the yetzer hara and these aveiros in general, but yet, I don't practice what I preach. In fact, I don't even know if I should be preaching so much now, because I still haven't started ANY programs on this site. For me, I need these forums first to know I'm not alone and then hopefully I can proceed "veiter" and go m'chayil el chayil.

But as far as my wife is concerned, she finally said that she would support me 100%, but wasn't sure if she wanted to join this site with me because it made her sick. I told her to spend one night looking around at the sight and eventually she said that she did not want to join me, but would be there to help me along the way. I fully understood and b'chasdei Hashem we've grown stronger as a team.

A "slightly" humorous story from all of this, I thought may help some of you smile: At my work on the third floor of a building in Boro Park, Brooklyn there is a window that overlooks the street and I sometimes ok, maybe too many times allow myself to look at the passerby on the street below. When I spilled the beans to my wife and told her that this contributes to my wayward thoughts and ultimate actions, she said, "Chasidish ladies?! They don't even uncover anything....."
Ahhh, the mind of a bas yisrael. Gotta love it!

Good night to one and all......

Hi NY.

Perhaps your wife would be interested in joining the "spouses of addicts" forum.

I am an SA regular.  Most members of my meeting are not jewish though some are.  Feel free to message me for my number or answers to any questions I might be able to help with.

Hi NeiroYair, I can relate to A LOT of what you wrote.  Wife feeling ill, feeling she must not be good enough or why would I look elsewhere, being clueless as to how little it takes to trigger me, etc..  B"H, I am 2 1/2 years beyond that point and things have gotten much much better, may it continue - amen!

She did join the women's forum for a short time, but didn't find it gave her chizzuk.  Many people there have husbands who are still in denial.  If it gives your wife chizzuk - great, but it may not.

I wish you much hatzlacha, and hope you and your wife both grow from this!

Gevura, my wife went on for a few minutes, read what she felt necessary then told me she was not comfortable joining any forum either, but would be with me every step  of the way. I tell her certain quotes from people (gibbor120, why I oughtta.....!!! Arghhhhh...  - Ok, fine so she saw that on her own......) or what I write, but she keeps her distance. I respect that, but it does hurt a little, to be completely honest. Do I blame her? How can I?! I totally understand, but that doesn't detract from my wanting to be one with my wife in every aspect of life. She told me that the day after I told her she couldn't look at any man because she was thinking: Does he do that?, does he do that?, etc. and it was making her sick.

Now, this is all when she knew I had a struggle, but didn't necessarily know that it continued after our marriage. So, it wasn't like a complete unknown. You know what I'm saying? I can't imagine what it would have been like had the image of her perfect, G-d fearing husband been completely undone by the news.

Hi NY,
Actually my wife is pretty much the same. I did suggest the spouses forum to her but she declined. She is with me all the way and I would not be where I am today without her acceptance, her support, and her love. I share almost everything with her, sometimes it can be a fine balance to be open but not to hurt her. But she says she doesn't want to be on the forum because she doesn't want this to be "part of her life". She is actually somewhat resentful of the amount of time I spend here and the friendships that I am forming, but she understands how important it is for me right now. I understand where she is coming from too, and we are working it out.

All the best,

Gevura!

Neiro and Gevura, maybe our wives should form a group among themselves .  You both summed up how my wife feels about the whole thing, especially gevura.  I could have practically written his post.

Yeah, it's a very delicate situation, especially if they grew up sheltered. But Rachmana Leeba ba'aiey, so things will work out if we all do our hishtadlus. I wish that everyone should not have to fight this alone and taht ishto k'gufo should ring true in all aspects of growth and Avodas Hashem.