Hi there all,

I only recently decided to take control of my addiction when I went to speak to a close friend and Rav from my school days. The thought of going to tell someone of my issues was incredibly frightening but I knew that once I had offloaded my concerns and my issues that I would feel better. The moment I arrived at his house I felt ill  - I had no idea how to even begin the discussion ( I had already told him I needed to chat, so he knoew I wanted to talk about something)

I just spat it out and it felt nothing like I had imagined, it felt so "freeing" to let out my secret, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. well that was over a month ago. He suggested I sign up for the 90 day program and we have a chavrusa once - twice a month to just catch up. For me just knowing that I need to "report" to him as well as the memory of the absolute look of despair / pain and sadness in my wife's face when she heard what I had been doing has been a serious motivational factor for me to stay clean.

One thing that I have found quite incredible about being here is that in my mind I never ever wanted to believe that there were many other people out there that were in the same situation as myself. I really thought that I was an evil person and that there was a special place for me to go one day when I pass on Gehenom!!!!!! what I have found is that the same trials and challenges that I am going though are experienced by hundreds of other people and I draw a lot of inspiration in knowing that I am not "EVIL" and that there is hope and that the things I am going though are completely "normal" in a very sad way - sad in that so many frum people have been trapped and been brought to the gutters of our so called civilised society where self pleasure and watching PORN are not only considered normal but are also so widely accepted as natural.

Well that's a little bit of the background and I am a rather intense person and a perfectionist as well as very controlling. I have been clean for well over a month now, my biggest downfall used to be my blackberry but (and perhaps by the hand of Hashem) the day I went to visit my friend, my browser on my phone stopped working and BH was one of my biggest brachot that has been a huge enabler for me to hold back. I am fully aware that setting filters and getting rid of the internet is really only "false" sense of achievement as those things aren't really the cause of the problem, they are just the symptoms. For me keeping clean is necessary but not as a end result. For me keeping clean is part of a bigger mission of creating closeness between myself and my Creator and the two cannot go together.

I have a pressing concern though. I have time set aside for learning each day and i have taken on things to help me to come closer to hashem YET!!!!!!! I feel that my phone being blocked and my self control are not the answer to my problem. The day I went to speak to my friend was the last time I had an incident and since then, I haven't even had much of an urge to look at anything inappropriate or to please myself. I was just wondering if this is normal!!!!!! I don't feel as though I have really achieved anything. I feel that if I were to once even look at something that might trigger that urge within me - I would be back to square one. It just doesn't make sense to me that one day I could have this huge urge and spend years and years trying to get over this and then in the space of one experience, that all changed!!!!am I just lucky to be able to have that awareness?

Please could I have your thoughts guys... has anyone else had that experience... where they had been trying for years and years to stop and all it took was one experience? I feel weird asking this because I should feel blessed that to have had such an easy transition OR am I in for a shock that I should be wary about?

ANB,
You have found the yh 's latest attempt to destroy you!  That miserable *^%$%^$ wants you to think this great achievement of yours is nothing.
"Clean shmean whats the big deal anyway?  Come on, a little forbidden pleasure never hurt anyone, did it?  Especially since you didn't have to work so hard to achieve this greatness."
Of course there was Adam and Chava but the yh doesn't want us to think too hard about the answers to his questions because they are nothing more than a thin veil of smoke that vanish with the greatest of ease.

It can happen as you describe.  i had a coworker years ago who is an alcoholic.  He never attended AA or had a therapist.  He was addicted for years and then one day he decided that it was time to stop and he did just that.  Got rid of his alcohol, his drinking friends his past habits and triggers and started a new life as a recovering alcoholic.  However, his new life was lead with the realization that he was only a terrible, horrible slip away from the life he lead previously.

i think you can do the same but beware of the potential fall that awaits us all!
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

As a perfectionist, I connect with almost everything you wrote except for the fact that I still refuse to get a smartphone, but recently the YH has been getting thoughts into my head. For my job, I could use an iPad/iPhone/ or other smartphone, but for my sanity I've been fighting against it (which doesn't really leave me sane in the long run because I'm still fighting with myself constantly- Ahhh what a Yid goes through to serve Hashem! Gotta love it! But back to your topic, I tried the habitforge.com 21 day plan to breaking a bad habit and after about 221 days and a Yom Tov of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, and Sukkos I finally reached the 21 straight days of being clean. But it didn't last. On the 22 day I crashed. It's hard, and I'm no expert (as my "newbie" status attests), but know that 40 days is unbelievable and praiseworthy to the umpteenth degree. Thank you for the chizuk. Happy Chanukah!

All I want to say to you is that your concern over what you have accomplished or not accomplished, or what danger you are in or not in...is useless talk. It is G-d's business, not yours. This is mental masturbation and nothing less, in my opinion, and will yield you nothing, no matter where you go with it.

If you are having a problem staying clean today, then I feel it ought to be your business what to do today for today's avodah - not assessing yourself. That's religious narcissism and I pray you avoid it like the plague, no matter how tempting it may be.

Love and with wishes for your continued hatzlocha,

Dov

Thanks ChaimYakov, Actually once I had written down what was bothering me, I could quite clearly see how untrue it was.... but I know that that is just how my mind works. I was looking for proof that "everything will be ok" and that now I am fine / perfectly normal and "not addicted any more" because I have managed to go this long and especially since I haven't even had that urge. I suppose my YH's way of getting to me is to let me think i have the answer and that now I can get back to normal....and then.... BAM!!!! he'll strike again.

Thank you for reminding me that this is not over I actually get a lot of chizuk from knowing that. For me, it means that im on the right track and I feel incredibly grateful for that.

NeiroYair, thanks for the feedback, being a perfectionist makes life really difficult sometimes. There is this contestant drive to do things "exactly the way they should be" hmmmm Iv been faced with the question many times before but I still need to remind myself..... the way it is... IS exactly the way it should be, and we don't always know how it SHOULD be. I hope you understand what I am saying. BH i haven't had much problem with having a blackberry..... well I did until my browser stopped working, but after that I have used it as it was intended, as a communication tool.

be well and keep up the good work. Its amazing to know that even though we have been trying and trying and trying and trying and still continue to try knowing that we've fallen yet we still have the razton to stop!!!! proves that we really are good people, if we weren't we would have quite years ago!

I don't know who this 'Dov' is, but he really rocks the house! Say it like it is, Dov! The zechusim you're racking up are priceless!

NeiroYair wrote on 25 Dec 2011 21:05:

Nothing to add. Well said.

I'll trade all the zechusim for a drop more truth today, anyday. Truth is life. Shekker is death - even if it feels like 'chizzuk'.

I don't know who this Dov guy is either.  Never even seen him.  I think he doesn't even have a thread of his own.

btw, have you signed up to get the daily chizuk by email?  It's better than tea at four pm.

All good blessings

Joel

A_new_begining wrote on 25 Dec 2011 12:30:

I can relate.  Dr Sorozkins stuff really helped me a lot.  Check out his stuff here www.drsorotzkin.com/ .