My friends-
Who could have imagined that an online(the vehicle for so much of my torment) forum could provide such a solace. I have never been a part of such a collection of wisdom, wit, love, compasion, chizuk, and sharing before. I am amazed.
1daat- It was a relevation to hear the 'other side'. To hear you say 'suck you dry', needed, limitations. Things I thought were going on but could never be sure were really happening because reality is so elusive, and the moods subtly change so quickly. Entitlement. Wow. I never expressed it that way, but that is how it comes out. I give, and still feel like a selfish fool (which I am anyway- both selfish and a fool). I needed you to tell me I am not a crybaby . I needed you to tell me to cry. I did, right as the brochos of shachris were starting. Promise me bli neder that the next one won't be shorter, I needed every word of that, and I cherish them.
To continue with my narrative......... My wife is getting really good help. It was a insane road to get there, but she and we did get there. Her meds are perfect for her, and thank Hashem she has not been on the verge of suicide for over 5 years. I want to revisit that fork in the road conversation with a Rebbi on Rosh Chodesh MAR Chesvon 2 years ago. Yes, it was divorce or give supremely. There was another area, which 1daat hit upon. He did tell me to take my own space, create a little happy area of life. The question was how. We did not nail down specifics, he is the type of special Rav that gives you the room to figure out that part of the decision. What would give me that little pep? I read novels, with a mystery or a cop story. I also started, as I mentioned before, to watch movies. There was a line- no nudity. I am not proud that that is what I wanted to do- but the fact is that I thought that would give me the little space I needed. My wife hated it (not fully understanding the whole picture) and about a month ago made it clear to me that I can't do that anymore (now you see why I say she can't know about what is in my mind). I respect her. She wants tahorah. If she knew where my mind has been and where it wants to go, maybe she would look at movies differently. She doesn't have a tiny mean bone in her body, which is amazing after what she has been through. I tried to let her into what was going on with me,just a drop. I told her I didn't have a lot of simcha in my life, and that it wasn't only because of my really difficult adhd son. She fliped out, devastated, and cried for just about literally the whole night. We have come to grips with this, somewhat, and moved on. I respect her, and don't watch movies now, but I worry. This forum is a big chizuk- but what happens when I am pulled low again? Where is that space? You guys told me movies are an escape, which leads to all the problems I have to begin with, and it is not a solution. I probably believe that. It's just that I'm looking for an easy way to get that little happy place that won't require me to leave home (my family needs me a lot), or spend money (that is a whole different post to be had). Some other things I can do, like make a special food (I like to cook) are okay, but she can dampen them. That is where I am, sort of floating in limbo, waiting for the next low to hit me and worrying about that. Meanwhile this forum had been my bright spot in life. thank you guys.
Black Bigday, trying not to have a Big Black Day
