While reading through these last posts I had a thought that is true for me.
Lusting is a result of a very selfish arrogant view of people,I am viewing the other person as an object to be used to serve my desires,or to fill my feeling of lacking.Now for me this is true not only in sexual matters ut allso in everyday nonsexual interactions,I find myself using  others  to make me feel better about myself.It might be by impressing them what a smart,goodlooking or caring person I am.Or it might be ignoring my childs needs because I am to focused on how cute they are and what they offer me and not what I can do for them.
I felt the need to write this for myself thanks for listening.

Hey Gevura I have so much to say about almost every single post on these 2 pages that it is difficult to actually write it all out. I'll PM you soon with what I mean but I can relate to what you have been saying this whole time on so many levels.

P.s I have been having the same problem with not being able to upload an avatar. I think that it has to do with the boxes under the name. Depending on how many posts that one has contributed to the forum upgrades ones level from newbie (under 50 posts) all the way to hero member (above around 1000). I think that each level has a certain number of boxes from 1 to five and a different color depending on if the user is a moderator with the power to delete/move posts around. I think that perhaps only users of a certain level can upload an avatar. Either that or it's just a temporary bug in the database software. Thats just my guess but it seems to be the only 2 possibilities.

I'm pretty sure that I uploaded an avatar as a newbie.

Oh. Well there goes my whole theory :-). I guess we won't know the emes until the heilige Guard Tells us but I am sure that he is attending to much more pressing matters as we speak, new website etc etc.

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3206.msg109330#msg109330

Thanks Zemmy, I still want my avatar....

wow, just getting wind of this wild post now.  we say every morning, "sheh lo asani goy".  do we really stop to think what that means?  To have the strength and faith to evaluate one's homosexual urges, to rationally see them in context, as part of our mission as Yidden, and to yearn for ridding such things, is truly awesome. 

I second that Gevura, avatars for all 8).
Thanks for clarifying the mystery ZS!

ontheedgeman: I never thought of this whole sugya as fitting into sheh lo asani goy, now I have another reason not to fly through morning brochas while half asleep.

I try to have that in mind too, also "Shelo Asani Aved" I don't have to be a slave to my base desires, I have the power to rise above them.

I also try to have extra Kavanah whenever I say "Asher Kidshanu B'Mitzvosav", that I want to bring kedusha into my life to replace the tumah that filled me until now.

To continue along this vein, I was thinking recently about "V'lo Sosuru Acharei Lvavchem..." That it's really incomplete without the following Posuk "Lmaan Tizkiru....V'Hyisem Kedoshim....". Concentrating on "Thou shalt not" by itself doesn't get you anywhere, it just leaves an empty hole that needs to be filled. There needs to be a positive goal to strive for, that of Vhyisem Kedoshim, to do Mitzvos and fill our lives with such closeness to Hashem that we won't feel a need for anything else..

Gevura!

40 days...

I just had a really bad dream. I dreamt that I fell hard, really hard, farther than I have ever fallen in real life, over and over again. It was one of those vivid dreams where every sensation and pleasure is so real. Sometimes I wonder if there are things in my distant past that I don't remember at all because they were so traumatic....In my dream I then checked a calendar to see how many days I had been clean, it was 13 days.

I woke up and I was so close to the edge that i was sorely tempted to just finish it. But I didn't. I tossed and turned and couldn't fall back asleep, so here i am early in the morning. I still miss my tzummy :'(

Still working hard on guarding my eyes in the street, it's tough. I still keep getting this feeling "I hate being different than everyone else, why can't i just be able to look around and not be bothered by everything I see". i guess that's better than what I used to do, imagining that i was a predator, scouting around and picking out "targets" (i even had a scoring system wheer I would rate them on a scale 1-5). I feel bad that I still get a thrill when I see something, and I feel good that I feel bad about it. I guess I feel like an onion, layer upon layer, peeling them back one at a time. I wonder what I will find when I get all the way to the middle, a Pintele Yid or a monster?

I put on a good show here, cracking jokes and giving chizuk, but I'm really just an insecure little kid inside and i'm scared....

Wow GS! Sounds like a rough ride last night.  You know in the past when I had a dream like that, I would replay it in my mind and enjoy it all over again, as if it really happened (I was really sick, and any fix would do).  Now it at least upsets me, though probably not as much as it should.  Fortunately they are few and far between.

The older I get, the more I realize the child never goes away.  My father told me this a long time ago.  That he still feels like a teenager in his mind.

I've learned to turn my fear into trust in Hashem.  This still takes work, because it's natural to fear.  But the more I bring Hashem into all aspects of my life, the more natural it becomes to turn quickly to Him.

Have a great day. And night.
Alex

So what I'm hearing is that you were near the edge but didn't go over!  Nice.  Join me, on the edge man!

;-)

Actually I've fallen off the edge a few times so what am I.

Have you read Windows of the Soul?  I started reading it again, knowing that it probably would not work for me.  So I have just been letting my eyes read the words, and hoping to Gcd that maybe something will stick.  Would you believe it, for a day or two now, I have been gently bringing my eyes back to my 4 amot when I see something inappropriate?  Never thought that would work.  Just gently saying to myself, interesting, probably an interesting site, but let's keep on trucking. 

I'm replying kinda late to your first long post which i just read.  I joined GYE around the same time as you. As time goes on I catching up on some posts so I can get some context about the ppl writing.  It's amazing how you really opened up, as many have here.  This is a special place.  I too am glad that I found it "by accident".  Thank you for sharing.  Each story gives each one of us chizzuk.  We can't do it alone, but we can do it with help.  You have one special wife my friend.  Have a good shabbos!

Your honesty is powerful. I admire your openness.

ontheedgeman wrote on 26 Aug 2011 16:08:


actually i'd like to stay as far from the edge as possible.

im working on the eyes, some days are better than others. i tell myself, you cant have it anyway, so its not part of your life. i read the book, probably should read it a few more times.

good shabbos

gevura!