Really awesome, amigo! Congrats on six months clean, it's a biggy! I'm right on your heels, though, with 158 days, so don't let your guard down if you don't want to be run over.
Keep it real,
MOttel

Wow; I can't think of any bigger accomplishment. Mazal Tov.

:'( :'( :'( :'(

I fell.....

I'm on my phone, away from home. details to follow when i can...

i'm getting back up and keeping on trucking. the new clean count starts now.

FELL SHMELL!!!!!!!!

Gevura!!!!

Oy vei! I guess it could happen to anyone...
Hit the ground running, chaver. Get back into sober routine.
Much love,
Mottel

Nu. One fall in 6 months.

I'm not worried about you, Gevura.
Just get back in the truck like it never happened.
Do everything you were doing up until you started to slip.
Don't dwell on it, and certainly don't let it pull you down.
It's nothing but a blip.  And now it's over and gone.

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo    :'(

get into the truck right now

Shteebs is here for the ride.

Keep us posted bro.

they don't call em monstuh PICK UP trucks for nuthin

wow shteebs!
Even I feel better!
Thanx

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I did much better today. Hayom Yom Rishon....

What happened, bekitzur. not an excuse, just an explanation...

The past week was extremely stressful in many ways, i didn't get enough sleep, a flood in my basement, someone in my family was in the hospital, etc. I was in a very vulnerable mood. On fri. afternoon i met someone who triggered me very strongly. i just couldn't get him out of my head. When I got into the shower I began to fantasize.... then i started m****. I stopped after a minute or so without going all the way. But it was enough that I must consider it a fall and reset the count.

Then on Shabbos morning I woke up and my body was screaming from desire. Again i began to do it, and again i stopped after a minute, without finishing. So I guess it could have been worse. i never went all the way.

But I had awakened all those sensations that I had spent many months forgetting. the rest of the day i was plotzing for release, i was actually having physical pain from it. And I had to keep seeing that same person again all day. Somehow I made it through the day. but I felt like i had fallen off a cliff and had grabbed a branch and was hanging on. It hurts so much to hold on, i should just let go and fall.....

I envisioned the Pischo shel Gehennom open beneath me. Teetering on the brink. Oh, what sweet pleasure awaits me in the flames. The pain will come later, but the desire was clouding my vision and i could not see that far.

Even as I was doing it i was screaming at myself to stop, that i was stupidly throwing away months of hard work for a few seconds of pleasure. But i was out of control, for that minute. Finally i came to my senses and stopped. but the damage is done. The monster is wide awake. today the physical pressure has abated somewhat. but i'm scared. i'm afraid that it will be easier for me to fall again, because i was Poretz Geder, i broke through the barriers i had created to stop myself. And next time it might not hurt as much, and maybe i will go further...

But i am resolved that there will be no next time. Today i begin again, continuing to grow and recover. I'm back in the truck. i know it's going to take some heavy-duty work to get back to where i was. B"H I did not encounter any strong challenges today. And when it does happen, when i see strong triggers, i will have to be extra careful. I need to get back to basics, not to let my triggers affect me. And i need to work on not letting stress and resentment get me down into a vulnerable state.

I've fallen, but i CAN get up!

אל תשמחי איבתי לי כי נפלתי קמתי כי אשב בחשך ה' אור לי׃

Gevura!

You have 6 months clean behind you now. Those 180 days don't go away when you reset your clock. You are a better person than you were half a year ago and in a much better place.


Keep trucking!

TehillimZugger wrote on 19 Feb 2012 16:57:

didja follow my "right now" link?

;D
I can get to the opening page (with the red truck and the smoke) but I can't figure out how to actually play anything.....

Day 2.....

Last night and this morning, Hashem sent me opportunities to do Chesed, one after the other.

I did have a triggering dream, and Shul was hard this morning, but then I was able to do a favor for a fellow Yid and that is the best thing to drive the lust and the pain away.

Somech Hashem Lechol Hanoflim.....

Since I mentioned it.... The Posuk before, that should begin with a Nun, is missing. Chazal tell us that that Posuk should have been "Nafla Velo Sosif Kum....". But Dovid Hamelech "censored" it out. That attitude of Yiush has no place. We can ALWAYS get up!

Gevura!

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 20 Feb 2012 14:51:

near the red truck there's a button that says "how to play"
there's another button that says "play the game"

[please don't waste [i]too[/i] much time]

Those buttons are not there. maybe my firewall is blocking it....

As the network admin it's my job to figure out why. This will be a priority project  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D