In regards to your chasuna post; I also find myself sometimes completely offguard, as if my mind reverts back to an automatic setting and destroys my hard worked manual setting. Someone close to me gave me a good idea I have used it once and maybe it would be helpful to you.

The idea is that every time you catch yourself on"automatic" you should quickly say a prayer of whatever sort. This way you don't just push aside the lusting you actually turn it in to a positive experience.

Ok so I've been thinking about life and stuff (I think I sometimes do that too much ??? :o ). I have been wondering why i feel more lonely now than I did when I was actively acting out. After all, I have all my friends here, although it's only a "cyber" connection you know me better than almost anyone in real life. And I am actively working on being more social IRL. But somehow the emptiness is more real to me too.

I always thought that i somehow was just numb to it before. But I just realized what was really going on. I was never lonely, because I always had my fake fantasy friends with me. Everyone I saw, whether on the internet or in real life, i was imagining having a "connection" and a "relationship" with them through the fantasies that I created about them. What I was really numb to was the real world, i was so focused on the fake one.

But now they are gone, and I am all alone. I am basically starting from scratch, slowly finding my place in a world that i always felt isolated and apart from. It's already working a little, and I feel better than I did a few months ago. But it's definitely going to be a work in progress for a long time.

B"H I have been clean for 150+ days now. But the constant effort of guarding my eyes and my thoughts is draining and exhausting. I can't escape from it, the places where most of you are safe is where i have the hardest time. In Shul, at a Simcha....I'm trapped on the wrong side of the Mechitza. I can't help but to see things, and it's so easy to stare, and to begin to fantasize....

There are only 3 people IRL who know about this side of me. My wife, who has been nothing but supportive and encouraging the whole way. I share almost everything with her, although I have to hold back some of the thoughts and feelings that would make her uncomfortable. She tries to understand what I am going through, but I don't know how much she really "gets it", I doubt many "regular" people can truly understand how "normal" it has become to me to feel what almost all of you see as the most unnatural and strange thoughts. And on top of that, I doubt that many women can really understand how men lust, they are so different in that way. But she really tries, and I have nothing but the utmost appreciation and love for her.

Then there is the therapist who I went to once, and spoke with on the phone a couple of times. He really helped my by validating and explaining a lot of what I had figured out on my own, about how my upbringing and childhood experiences pushed me to develop this way. The guidance he has given me has really helped me work on getting out of my shell and becoming more a part of the real world.

And a couple of weeks ago I finally took a big step that I was trying to work up the guts to do for a while. I contacted a big Adam Gadol, someone who knows me from way back when it all started. I went to see him and I told him everything. He was very sympathetic and I felt that he really understood and cared. He basically said that i am on the right path where i am going now. I need to go back to see him again and discuss certain things with him in more detail, maybe in the future I can share more of what he has to say about it.

But that's it, except for you guys...thanks for letting me kvetch.

Hashem, please keep giving me.....Gevura!

hear you loud and clear.
the battle is a constant tuffy
To me, it sounds like you are really putting in the hishtadlus.
Keep it up.

Gevura, kol hakavod!

wishing you much continued hatzlocha.
ashrecha!

Gevura,
I'm so happy that you are still here with us after 150 days straight    (bad pun 8)
Your commitment to undo and remake yourself is truly rare and remarkable.
Much better to be truly alive, and to deal with whatever pain and discomfort that may mean, than to live an empty, two dimensional false existence, leaping from fix to fix, with no real happiness, and a disappointing olam habah.

We all put on an act, dressed for the part.  Every day.  That's our job.  We do what we can.  We act to the best of our abilities.  And we strive to make tocho k'baro (our true self match our external life).  You are truly living this.

Shteig on!

Thanks gevurah for your beautiful post.  It didn't sound like kvetching to me  ???.  You seem to be expressing what dov talks about when he says that acting out isn't the problem, sobriety is. (I'm sure you will find that sentiment somewhere if you through the dov quotes.)  Once we stop acting out, we are left with emptiness.  That's where we need to fill the void with recovery.  Being sober makes us uncomfortable enough to really work on recovery.

I agree, making friends and talking honestly with them is the way to go.  The more real, the better.  Face to face is better than the phone, which is better than email, PM, Posting Here...

You seem to be on the right path. KOMT! HONK HONK!

I recently heard a vort on Parshas Vayeishev, explaining why Yosef Hatzaddik (the original one  ;D ) had to be in prison in Mitzrayim. Basically the point was that it was a test to see if he would regret having withstood the earlier Nisayon. He could have said "I worked so hard to withstand the temptation, and this is what it got me? 12 years in jail? maybe Hashem really wanted me to give in.....".

But that's just the Yetzer Hora speaking. He will do anything to fill you with self-doubt, to regret the good you have done and wish for the "good bad old days"....


I really needed to hear that.....

*****************************

And to continue with a theme I have brought up earlier. "Ana Hashem Maltoh Nafshi". Please Hashem, help me escape from my desires......

Once I stopped acting out, my whole world came crushing on top of my head, with kids, and wife, and being robbed, and my business going bankrupt. So easy to say: "see, if I kept on acting out my lust, none of this would have happened" or "Why is Hashem doing this to me, doesn't He appreciate my effort?"
I think I realized that my acting out was a cover for everything else that was wrong in my life, so now that the lust is gone, all the other crap came floating up to the surface.
So then, this too shall pass...

You are an example to me of taking the tough steps to make honest connections with real people.  Your going to see someone you obviously profoundly respect, and letting go of your secrets, is just what I needed to hear.  Thanks for sharing that beautiful post.  If that's kvetching, please kot

obormottel wrote on 26 Dec 2011 23:02:


It will all pass, and in the end all that counts is what we did with the cards we were dealt. The good stuff WILL come, if not in this world then in the next...

Hang in there and KOMT!!!

Gevura!

1daat wrote on 27 Dec 2011 02:37:


Aderaba, reading your thread and seeing how you opened up to your Rov and your relatives, and the amazing conscious and real relationship you have with Hashem, is truly inspiring to me. Keep up the great work, a Refua Sheleima and Hatzlacha in everything!

Gevura!

1daat wrote on 27 Dec 2011 02:37:

You mean KOK ;D

I just came across this site:

http://torahdec.org/

I am going to ask Reb Guard to link it on the SSA FAQ page.

Today I made 180 days on the WOH!!

I want to once again express my Hakoras Hatov to:

    The Ribono Shel Olam, for giving me a second chance and leading me here.

    My wife, without her love and acceptance I would be completely lost.

    Rabbeinu Guard, for creating this wonderful community.

    Each and every one of you, for being my friend.


May we all be Zoche to Keep On Trucking!

Gevura!

AWESOME! KUTGW and KOT!  oh yeah, and KOP (keep on posting) too.