I just read the first post today.

Amazing.  There was a lot in it to think about. but one thing woke me up.  Your wife said it  She  was right, so I am going to manipulate her quote to my own usage:

"You are not ____________, you are a yid with a strange and powerful yetzer hora and you are finally fighting it!"

Fill in the blank however you wish, friends.  Her wise words remind me of something my rebbe, A"H, said many years ago.  He told us to avoid labeling others, that labels (frum, chasidic, bs'sl teshuvah, Yekkie, black, hispanic, whatever, etc) form expectations in our heads and limit how we deal with people.  We lose sight of who they really are and make them something we think they are.

Having said that, when we label ourselves, do we  also limit ourselves?. Is it fair to say "I am an addict?" Is it not more fair to ourselves to say: 

"I am not an addict, I am a yid with a strange and powerful addiction and I am finally fighting it!".

Perhaps on some level they mean the same thing, but on another level they mean something subtly but significantly different.  Your wife sees more of you than just your label, but you seem (we all seem?) limited by it.  That is the problem with labels, as such.  They do not only "identify"us, they can put a limit on what we can become, because they limit what we perceive ourselves to be and to be capable of.

My rebbe used to say,"when your child does something wrong, do not say 'you are a bad boy,' but rather,'you did a bad thing.'" There is a worldof difference. 


I love it here......
I think I have finally found a community,where, struggling or not, people really are working on their midos. 

Tonight is the Ushpizin of "Yesod"................

.............so why do I feel so down, and the feelings and the needing are trying to come back?

The first few days of Yom Tov were so uplifting. And I spent time connecting with family that I had not seen much of for a while, and we had a glorious time.

I guess now the euphoria is wearing off. And I'm suffering from a week of not getting enough sleep, and the aftereffects of a bad cold. And maybe the YH is trying to prevent me from benefiting from the Hashpo'ois that are sure to come on this auspicious day for us, from the midda of Yosef haTzaddik.

But. I. Will. Not. Let. Him. Get. Me. Down.

I am going to get a good night's sleep tonight IY"H. And I just ate a bunch of chocolate, that usually chases the dementors away . And tomorrow is another day.

Gevura!

gevura!someone loves you and its not just your mother.you are an amazing talent and an example of kutgj for us all.doesnt matter how tired you are, the yetzer is still weaker. stay strong my brother. i mean it. my brother.

Thanks Mottel. Im feeling much better today.

I was dancing by Hakofos and we were singing "Ano, Ano, Avdo D'Kudsha Brich Hu"....

Suddenly it hit me. I am labeling myself! That's who I really am! I am not _____, I am a servant of Hashem! And whatever challenges He throws my way, however difficult the mission He assigns me, my job is to serve Him with all my strength. And when that's not enough, to call on Him for help.

That's also what it means when we say in Hallel אָנָּה ה, כִּי-אֲנִי עַבְדֶּךָ, אֲנִי-עַבְדְּךָ, בֶּן-אֲמָתֶךָ; פִּתַּחְתָּ לְמוֹסֵרָי.

When we recognize that being an Eved Hashem is our true and only identity, then our bonds are loosened. Any other label limits us and constrains our expectations for ourselves. But when we dedicate ourselves to serving Hashem, anything is possible!

Gevura!

Hey Gevura!
That's all.  Just wanted to say Hi.  Thought about you over Yom Tov and how difficult this time can be.  Glad you made it through.

You know it, but I'll say it anyway.  Never let your guard down.

Love ya!
Alex

Today is exactly 6 months from the day my life changed irrevocably, the day i told my wife everything. It has been a wonderful journey, bumpy at times, but always upward. As hard as it is, I have absolutely no regrets, I know I am finally doing Ratzon Hashem.

It is now 6 months since I have been MZ"L, about 5 months since I last looked at p*** and 100 days since I last m******. I could not have done it without the support and encouragement of all of you, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

May we all be Zoche to Keep On Trucking together onward and upward.

Gevura!

Beautiful!

Monster Trucker of the Year

and btw, i tipped back a glenfiddich for you on yom tov

I wrote this on Motzoei Shabbos:

I had a sort of "breakthrough" over Shabbos, maybe....

I had been thinking things over lately, especially all the stuff that was discussed on Mynisasyon's thread. (That really turned into an amazing discussion of the whole issue of SSA.)

I was lying in bed early Shabbos morning, contemplating how i had never grown up emotionally and socially, and how I always felt out of place in adult company, somehow not completely a man. That I had stopped maturing in my early teenage years, and how that was driving me to go back there in unhealthy ways.  I was coming to realize that this was really one of the keys to this whole thing, that it was this need to "become a man" that was driving me into this stuff. I never learned how to feel like an adult socially and emotionally, and I wanted someone to teach me. But these things can't be taught, they must be learned....

I was thinking about this stuff, and about how it was when I was growing up, and I suddenly came to a new realization. It's not that I never learned how to be a MAN, it's that I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO BE A TEENAGER!!

Let me explain...

The community that I grew up in was very small, composed mainly of young families with small children. I was one of the older kids, and almost everyone in my class was the oldest in their family (as I am). There were pretty much no teenagers, and the few that there were all went out of town as there was no Yeshiva high school there.

So there were just adults and little kids, and nothing in between. There was an unbridgeable gulf between the generations, grownups were unapproachable and beyond comprehension. There was no role model for the transition from child to adult. It was a mystery how one got from A to B. I had no real concept of the gradual process of growing up and going through adolescence and maturity.

I distinctly remember in summer camp, I was about 8 years old, and one of my bunkmates was telling me that he had an older sister who was already married. I could not comprehend how one could have a sibling who was also an adult. I remember trying to wrap my brain around this new concept that there was a continuum of generations, that it was not just "big people" and "little people". It was so new to me....

So I never really saw or had anything to do with teenagers until I became one myself. Even in camp, the counselors, who I now know were probably 17-18 years old, were in my mind then full-fledged adults.

Then I graduated 8th grade, and at Bar Mitzva age I was sent away to Yeshiva and went from being from the one of the oldest among the children in my community to being the youngest among a whole new generation of strangers. I was tossed headfirst into teenager-dom, without ever having seen it before. I was completely lost, and combined with my shyness and the pressures of a demanding Yeshiva, I couln't cope. And you already know where that led.....




Now here's the weird part.....in the past when I had had moments like this, when i came to some new understanding of what had been wrong with my past and how it made me turn out this way, it would get me sad and depressed. But not this time. For some strange reason I felt a calmness and serenity that i don't understand. It was like finding the last piece of the puzzle, it felt like the satisfying click when you snap closed the last corner of a Tupperware. And soemhow all the stuff from my childhood suddenly faded into the background, and I just wasn't bothered anymore. I really don't understand it at all, what is it about this knowledge that makes such a difference?




And it gets even more amazing...

I'm afraid to even say this, lest it break the magic....

Today, my triggers were not triggering me! I just didn't feel the pull to look. I didn't understand how that could be, I even tried looking on purpose, but i was just not interested.

I don't know, is it over? Am I "cured"? Was that the last piece of the puzzle that was needed to convince my inner self to let go?

The truth is that the triggers I saw today were not that strong, maybe I'm just having an "off" day, maybe i'm just feeling "numb" and the's whay I was so unaffected by the revelations of this morning. We'll see what happens the next few days , I won't know for sure until it's "B'Oso Mokom, B'Oso 'Ish'   "

Whatever it is, it was a wonderful experience, to feel "normal", not to be constantly yearning, wanting, or miserable about what I thought I needed and wanted. If it's true that it's for real, and I'm scared to even hope for that, Hashem has given me the most amazing gift imaginable. And even if it's just for one day, I am still grateful to Him, because He has shown me that it's possible, and that there is hope.....

***************************************

Update Sunday evening:

Oh well, I knew it was too good to be true.   I'm back to (my) "normal" again...

This morning I was still feeling good about it, and I was able to pretty much ignore everything i saw. But by later in the day i guess the 'high" wore off, and I started to notice things again, and I felt the old pull start to come back....I think this evening was even worse than usual, I was having a really hard time and feeling rotten for myself. I'm so disappointed that it didn't last.

But I'm still so grateful to Hashem Yisborach, for the wonderful present of 24 hours of peace and serenity. It was a precious gift, and I now know what it feels like to be free of this. And I can keep hoping that someday i can experience that freedom again....

Still Trucking, this is going to be a long trip......

Gevura!

mazall tov!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing Gevurah.  I kinda knew how it would end.  I have had similar experiences.  experience has taught me not to assume that I am ever cured.  I've falled too many times after clean streaks.

that was so good! Thanks for being there, buddy Gevura, I can read your posts all day.
I don't care what they say about self-knowledge, I find it helpful if even for a day at a time. Isn't it about one day at a time, anyways?

Guys, I need a boost....

The past couple of days have been really "slippy". I think I started dwelling too much again on the old hurts and needs from the past. And the fantasies are coming back hard.

Early Sunday morning i woke up and I was aroused (that happens every night). But this time, before I even knew what i was doing, I had scrunched up my blanket and snuggled into it and started using it the way i used to in the old days.. :-[ :-[  I stopped myself after a few seconds, so i don't think I need to count it as a fall. But now the little slimy voice is whispering in my ear, "Let's do it again, just for a few seconds, you won't have to say you fell...." GO AWAY YOU SLIMY BAS***RD!!!!!

And this morning I woke up, and an old fantasy came into my head really hard, and I let it stay for a while.  :( >:( :-[ . And again the little voice was telling me "you know you want it sooooo bad...." I had to slap myself in the face a few times to snap out of it.

Help!!!!! I don't want to go back to that place again. But I feel like the edge of the road is crumbling, and my tires are slipping....

thanks for your warm welcome. I read some of your older posts & I really related. Especially about triggers in shul etc.

Are you in the US or Israel?

Time to change the tires, put it into overdrive and GO somewhere else.