Interesting.....I think I can relate to that.....it's hard to think about. How'd you get in touch with that inner child? How do you realize when it's the real you, or the inner child you?

The way I understand it, the "inner child" is what has been controlling and messing up my life all these years. I don't want to "get in touch" with him, i want to KILL him!! >

But I love him so much, he makes me feel so good when I give him what he wants.... ??? :-[

Sometimes lately I'm in a place where there is "eye candy" and I start thinking "just look a little and enjoy, then you can stop and feel good about stopping, you can have both worlds...." But then I feel bad that I looked, and the other part of me feels bad that I didn't look more, and I have lost both worlds...... Oy Li M'Yizri, Oy Li M"Yotzri..... :'(

I'm also not getting enough sleep, I'm still having a problem where I wake up many times every night with an arousal, and I can't get comfortable with it the way I used to so I just toss and turn until I can finally fall back asleep. I want my tzummy back WAAAAA :'( !!!!

OK just keep on Truckin' and don't fall asleep at the wheel!

Gevura!

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 23 Sep 2011 16:11:


Well said.  I once heard it said that too often we allow children to make decisions for adults.  Meaning that we, as children, decide what kind of adults we will be, what job we want, etc.  Then when we're adults, we see the foolishness of those decisions and sometimes feel trapped and unhappy as a result.

Boy do we have work to do!

Have a wonderful, geshmake Shabbos!

Alex

[quote="alexeliezer" link=topic=4125.msg120142#msg120142 date=1316805408]
Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 23 Sep 2011 16:11:


If by 'inner child' you are referring to the unhealthinesses that were developed in you during your childhood that still festers within you, then.............. from my personal experience when i start looking at my current deficiencies and blame the past then im sort of shifting the blame onto a different entity and away from myself. I am telling myself 'Yossi dont blame yourself, its your parents fault'........in this case 'your inner childs fault.....im just saying that for myself it is crucial that when i fall i realize that I fell, not some entirely seperate excusable entity.....thoughts?

Yossi.L. wrote on 25 Sep 2011 00:58:

I agree, as i've said in the past, all these things are explanations, not excuses. I need to work on the "real me" in the present to get away from the harmful effects of my past.

Gevura!

A gut, gebencht yohr!

Hang on a sec, guys.  We don't want to throw the child out with the bathwater.

What follow is an intellectual, psychological model about the so-called "inner child".  I know about this model because I was in therapy for years with a therapist who used it, and I even went on and became certified to use this model as a therapist myself.

After years and years of therapy for myself with all different modalities, I want to stress that absolutely none of them helped me stop acting out.  They were very helpful in other ways, but nothing helped me clean up to the extent that I have so far, except bottoming out, GYE and klal GYE, and Hashem's precious mercy.


The so-called "Inner Child" is divided by the transactional analysts (Eric Berne, Games People Play, and "I'm OK, You're OK) into three parts:  The adapted child; the "little professor" and the child in the child. 

The adapted child is the seat of all the adaptations we made as children to our environment--family, friends, teachers, rebbeim, etc.  Good and bad--Kibud av v'eym, for example, as well as the ineffective adaptations like trying to be perfect to please, ignoring our needs and getting what we want/need in secret, etc

The "little professor" is the part of the child that thinks, scopes things out, figures out how to manipulate, is clever, resourceful, etc. 

The child in the child is the seat of childhood memories, the locus of feelings, creativity, vulnerability, our sense of innocence, spontaneity, play, the place that knows it's entitled to be cared for, understood, loved, disciplined, protected, etc.  This we don't want to throw out.

According to this model, if the child in the child doesn't get what it wants or needs in childhood it will use the little professor and the adapted child to figure out how to get it one way or another, in effective or dysfunctional (acting out) ways.  When all is well in the family, the child's acting out will be corrected by parents, family, etc. and often they can figure out what the child needs and try to provide it within reasonable limits. the child in the child returns to peace.

When the child in the child need goes unmet and acting out persists we become King Baby.

Our baby needs can't ever get met and therefore we can never get enough of what we can't have. We can't ever fill the need because, we need it in the way a baby needs it--in a very intense way.  Babies have millions of neurons that get pruned away to the essentials as we grow up.  So we can never get the kind of intensity we're looking for in the drug of choice because all those extra neurons that would intensify the feelings aren't there anymore.  The second reason we can't ever get what we need is that childhood is over. There is no mommy, family to meet that need.  Try as we might to make our adult loved ones fulfill those childhood needs, it just can't ever happen.

The solutions to this dilemma that the psychology model gives never worked for me to stop acting out.  This is as far as the model goes, which is why it's not much help to people seeking recovery.


Put in the language of "the inner child" (which is way too intellectual for me, personally), what I've learned since arriving at GYE goes something like this:  To stop acting out I had to stop acting out.  Duh.  See GYE Handbook for details.  I had to accept that childhood is over and that I can never get that need filled.  Really accept that.  Day after day.  I just missed that train and I have to suffer that.  I need grown-up "good enough" comfort, support, education, limit setting--what we give each other here on GYE, and in some cases what I can get in limited ways from other real life adults in my life.  I have to accept that I am powerless over the urge to get that need met at any cost. I have to be in touch with my longing for d'vekus.  I need His grace, His kindness and His unending mercy.

I guess you could say He loves all parts of my child, all parts of me, all of me.  Without Him I would surely be dead by now.  After years of psychotherapy, I almost was.

Baruch Hashem, Thank you is utterly insufficient.  David hamelech tried and tried to thank Him enough.  It wasn't enough, though.  Eyn maspikim...

Thank you 1Daat for the explanation. But as you said it really doesn't do anything for us.

I always see the therapists saying how we need to "get in touch with" and "indulge" the inner child in us. basically they mean to give in to our Tayvos and enjoy all the things we wanted in order to find the happiness we seek. That is the basis of the materialistic, hedonistic society we live in.

But that is the exact opposite of what Hashem wants us to do and what we need to do for ourselves. I have pretty much come to the same conclusion as you did, we need to abandon the need for those thing that we wrongly wanted as a child, and grow up and strive to become closer to Hashem. It's hard because it's been ingrained in us for so long, and it will always be a work in progress. Sometimes I am jealous of the younger guys here, if only I had woken up (and there was such a thing as GYE) 25 years ago....

****************

I had a stupid slip the other day, I got into a situation where I spent some time with someone who has been a big trigger for me. I could have avoided it but I was weak and I jumped at the chance. Nothing bad happened, but now I have to get him out of my head all over again.  :-[ >

Truck, Truck Truck!!!

Gevura!

Right now i dont truly understand this at all. Maybe some day i will. It sounds compelling.

Day 73....

Lekovod the Yomim Noroim a thought about Ledovid Hashem Oiri.....

בִּקְרֹב עָלַי, מְרֵעִים לֶאֱכֹל אֶת-בְּשָׂרִי; צָרַי וְאֹיְבַי לִי; הֵמָּה כָשְׁלוּ וְנָפָלוּ.

The word B'kroiv is explained by the meforshim as either "coming close" from the word Koroiv, or as "battle" from the word Krov. The truth is that they are really the same, the word Krov means "close combat". M're'im means "evildoers" but is very closely related to the word Re'im meaning friends, and is sometimes used that way.

So the beginning of the possuk is referring to the evildoers who masquerade as friends. The Yetzer Hora, and those who facilitate him, are our fake friends, manipulating us into thinking that they are here to help us and that what they have to offer is good. But, צָרַי וְאֹיְבַי לִי, when they are MY enemies, when I recognize them for the evil that they really are, הֵמָּה כָשְׁלוּ וְנָפָלוּ, they stumble and fall. Once we see their true nature, they lose their power over us and we can vanquish them, with Hashem's help!

A Ksiva Vachasim Tova to all, and may we be zoche to Keep On Trucking to new heights in Avodas Hashem.

Gevura!

that is a really beautiful vort!
דברי פי חכם חן

thanks for sharing that. i think i will be thinking of that when i say Ledovid

Yes, very nice gevurah!

Thanks for the vort. I'm gonna share it at the Yom Tov table (if I remember it).  I need to say it, and at least one of my kids needs to hear it.

Hi everyone, day 80....

So R"H was OK, I survived going to the mikva on Erev Yomtov (I have to do it 3 more times in the next 2 weeks ??? ). I davened hard, cried in all the right places, maybe some of it was even sincere. Hashem knows i want to be good, even if I get distracted all the time. The YH seems to be working really hard these days, I'm seeing things everywhere and having a harder time than usual looking away. And I'm feeling more down too, it's all part of his bag of tricks. But I know his game now, and BE"H I will power through.....

*****************

I was thinking about the sequence of some of the Brachos in Birchas Hashachar, and how they apply to our struggle.

Hameichin Mitzadei Gover. Hashem has prepared every step of our path in life especially for us. Everything that we have done and that has happened to us was engineered to bring us to where we will work on our tafkid in life, as unusual as it may be. He has given each one of His soldiers a unique set of challenges and trials to face and accomplish, in order to bring His world to true perfection. We fight the evil, that he created for the sole purpose that we should fight it, in order that we should be worthy of experiencing the true joy of closeness to Him without Nahama DeKisufa.

But a good general does not send His soldiers on a suicide mission, without the proper weapons to fight the enemy. Which brings us to the next Bracha, HaOseh Li Kol Tzorchi. He has given us the tools and abilities to battle the Yetzer he gave us, we just need to identify and use them properly. And Ozer Yisroel BiGevura (my personal favorite  ), He gives us the courage to fight no matter how hard it gets. He knows we can win if we try, He set it all up that way. And in the end Oter Yisrael BeTifara, we will be zoche to the glory that comes with a mission accomplished.

And when the going gets tough, when we feel burnt out and tired of the fight, Hanosen LaYaef Koach, he recharges us with new strength to continue. And this is followed by a long bracha asking Hashem to help us fight our Yetzer Hara.

******************

I just did the math, day 90 IY"H will fall out on the second day of Sukkos, the Ushipizin of Yitzchok who represents........Gevura!!!!

Gmar Chasima Tova and KOMT!!!!!

Gevura!

Beautiful!